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Home » Special Operations » Jealous of a Combat Amputee?

Jealous of a Combat Amputee?

by Kerry Patton · March 21, 2013 · Posted In: Special Operations
1-75 Astan
Senior Airman Brian Kolfage, an Iraq War combat disabled veteran and triple amputee, has a Facebook page that I often follow. He is frequently used as my motivation. Brian was an Air Force Security Forces member who served with distinction and even contributes to the fight today through his unorthodox motivational actions.

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There are times I wake up with extreme pain. Some days are worse than others. I look at Brian’s Facebook page and am quickly reminded never to feel sorry for myself.

“You’re alive. Get the hell out of bed and take on the world,” I often hear myself saying.

It’s easy for any person, especially veterans, to have times where we just don’t want to roll out of bed. But we are a different breed. We are warriors who have demonstrated the will to enter battle and defeat whatever it is in front of us. Sometimes that, “whatever is in front of us,” is ourselves.

Senior Airman Kolfage posted something today that I have looked at more than twenty times already. It is a picture of an unnamed American warrior, in uniform, sporting his prosthetic leg, and toting his M4.

backtowar

The image has caught my attention and I am absolutely “jealous.”

More alarming is not the photo of this unnamed new hero of mine, but rather that one word that keeps running through my brain—“jealous.”

What the hell am I jealous about? Is it because he is an amputee? I don’t think so.

It took about an hour to figure it all out and finally it struck me.

I am jealous of the warrior not because of his disability. Shoot, I have a broken neck with nerve damage that can never be fixed from a helo crash over the Af/Pak border in 2008. I am jealous because he is doing something I long to one day do again—fight.

The image is a stark reminder that no matter how much belief we maintain toward our contributions in serving the warrior brotherhood, someone else is doing something today much more commendable and or honorable.

Just because I served, contributing in saving lives all the while contributing in destroying the enemy, doesn’t make me anything special.

You want to see special? Look at the photo. This is a real die-hard red, white, and blue American hero.  This is a real American who has already defeated the odds and maintained the intestinal fortitude to pick himself up and rejoin his brothers.

Thank you Senior Airman Kolfage for posting the picture of this American bad-ass. It was just the reminder I needed this morning.

Kerry Patton, a combat disabled veteran, is author of Contracted: America’s Secret Warriors

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Minou_Demimonde
Minou_Demimonde 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

Kerry, thank you so much for everything that you have done and suffered for all of us. The 15-year-old I live for thanks you too. With all her heart. And my honor and gratitude go out to the unnamed soldier who is still fighting for us.

But Kerry, you're still in the fight. Not the way you used to be, unfortunately. But that has to end for everybody. Combat takes its toll on every single soldier. And eventually, they're all forced to leave the field, even though they miss it every single day. A Civil War soldier told his kids that even though the war was the most horrible thing that ever happened to him, it was the greatest--great meaning large. It was, he said, his youth. And the friends/brothers he found there were some of the most meaningful relationships he ever knew.

But if you think that you're not still serving, then you're wrong. You are. And the work that you're doing is exceptionally important, not only to us, but to your brothers and sisters in arms. Keeping people informed about what is really going on is an enormous task, and somebody has to do it. And since the press has left off that duty decades ago, it is left to those of you who have the will, strength, and knowledge to do it.

I understand. There are losses that take so much out of us. And being intimately acquainted with pain myself, I ache for you. But reinventing yourself is what we do, here in America. And in spite of your losses, you've done just that. Thank you for proving yourself the great man you are yet again. 

Remember what Oliver Wendell Holmes said about being gifted in his youth to have had his heart touched with fire. You, too have had that gift. But being touched with fire comes with a cost. I am sorry that you have to pay such a high one.

MR151
MR151 5pts

@Minou_Demimonde A Big AMEN to that!

usapatriotonthemove
usapatriotonthemove 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

Kerry, first off...Thank You for your service. It's appreciated more than you realize.  You ARE a hero to us all.  As a contributor to SOFREP with articles such as these you inspire us All to be better, and work harder to be good Americans.  Supporting family's of the fallen and injured in whatever way we can.  Through donations, support on peoples social media pages etc. You may not be in actual battle against the enemy but you are still in the fight. My thoughts and prayers go out to you so that you can fully recover to join this warrior, but until then it's an honor to have you hear with us. FACT.

Elric
Elric 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

Simply inspiring. He captures visually what we all aspire to as we face our challenges large and small. I don't care about MOS, you spend the prime of your life deployed living the life of a soldier you will NOT escape the Reaper's cousin. Whether from trauma or the accumulated wear and tear of living the life we all suffer and more than anything wish we had the fortitude and opportunity to step once more into the breach

I find it particularly hard with wounds that are not visible. I'm sitting here recovering from the second of what promises to be many more neck surgeries due to a VBIED in '05. Thought I was ok but over time, age and I jury eventually cause everyone to admit defeat. To see those who rage against that inevitability is inspiring. Good luck and God Speed. I salute everyone here who served. You are why our military is the best...EVER!

JHR
JHR 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

Kerry- You have no idea how much this article means to me. THANK YOU. Jealousy will get you back into the fight. It is a trigger mechanism to make us stand up and say HELL YES. Return in one way or another.

usmcvet1968
usmcvet1968 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

I just got tired of feeling confused about issues from combat and remembered the cockroaches I helped to never breath again!

MR151
MR151 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 3 Like

Liking the article, the photo, and saluting the unknown airman, senior airman Kolfage and Kerry Patton. 

bkgreenfeet
bkgreenfeet 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

I'm still bitter about being medically retired. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about.

Tango9
Tango9 5pts

@bkgreenfeet dude I thought you were still in the fight!  Well, shoot.  

bkgreenfeet
bkgreenfeet 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 4 Like

@Tango9 @bkgreenfeet I wish. Now I'm just an overpaid war-mongering baby-killing contractor. At least I have my looks, though...

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

@bkgreenfeet @Tango9 Hah!  I did the overpaid baby killing contractor thing for a bit, too.  Never did sit right with me.  But it paid the bills.

shooten
shooten 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 5 Like

This hits me at the right time.  I'm looking for motivation to do a few things right now and articles like this are like gasoline.  Thanks Kerry.

ShinigamiDred
ShinigamiDred 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 3 Like

It's things like this that give me the little bits of hope for a medical waiver, keeps me training. Motivation at its finest...

flhtse05
flhtse05 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 3 Like

Good article and great photo. It amazes me the number of warriors we have active that have been wounded and continue to get back in the fight alongside thier brothers in arms.

StormR
StormR 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 8 Like

This article really resonates with me and I had to go wrestle my own demon afterward.  Although I didn't serve in the military, I lived a life of service until life crashed in on me.  When I got the pieces put back together, I realized that life had moved on without me.  The hardest realization was discovering that I had defined myself by what I did and not who I was - the two were so tied together that I felt I lost a big part of me and didn't know 'who' I was anymore.  Yeah, I 'get' the jealousy part.  It's been 8 years for me since that moment, and 3 weeks ago I made yet another major life change.  Fortunately, I'm an old(ish) lady and this change was my choice - eyes wide open and as ready as I could be.  I'll never be 'who' I was...but I'll be the best I can be...and I can't ask for more than that.

ThePatriots
ThePatriots 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 6 Like

@StormR Truth be told, we all have our demons. It's making the decision to turn into the fray and meet them head on with acid coursing through your veins and fists wrapped in barbed wire - that's what impresses me about people who simply learn to embrace the suck and push through the shit til daisies grow. And then be willing to get up the next day and do it again...without another shot of whiskey.

StormR
StormR 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

@ThePatriots @StormR   I've embraced the suck so much that we are on a first-name basis - heck, we probably should be engaged by now. 

JHR
JHR 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

@StormR @ThePatriots That, is a HISTORIC SOFREP Post. TY Storm!

ThePatriots
ThePatriots 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 5 Like

@StormR And then you look at all those warriors with those scars and missing limbs and look across the formation and know you're alright. You're vertical. The wind is blowing and the sun is shining and you can make a difference right then and there. And you do it again. 

You find inspiration in something as simple as a photo of a legless man willing to go back, ABLE to go back and you beat your chest and choke down a tear, swallow that fucking lump in your throat and thank God that people like that are on our side....people like you, too. 

Ya know, we're all in this. And I think that is exactly one of the messages that Kerry illustrated - so many wish to go back. That's what makes this country so fucking amazing. That some are willing to push. T9 nailed it, too. You damn sure don't wanna die, but you really, and God I mean REALLY, don't want to let your brothers down - fucking ever. You do it for each other. 

Africanadian
Africanadian 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

Great article. Douglas Bader (a double amputee) British pilot has always been a hero of mine. He was credited with 20 aerial victories, four shared victories, six probables, one shared probable and 11 enemy aircraft damaged. After being shot down he kept trying to escape so much he ended up in Colditz castle. Its men like Bader, and the thousands of other heroes out there, like the guy pictured, who are truly inspirational and make me grateful for the life I get to lead because of other's heroism.

morsvens
morsvens 5pts

That is a truly awesome photo. And that word gets abused a lot today.

As an ignorant civvy, is that photo from in theatre? Does the military allow vets disabled in that way to still serve in some capacity?

Tango9
Tango9 5pts

@morsvens yes and yes.

morsvens
morsvens 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

@Tango9 @morsvens Wow...I am humbled at the commitment he demonstrates. Just told my brother, reading sofrep makes me want to join the military.

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

@ThePatriots @Tango9 Thanks for the kind words, but I need to also apply the same to myself.  I come in below my own expectations constantly.  Walking the talk.  I'm going to go push 100 just because I suck today.

ThePatriots
ThePatriots 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 3 Like

@Tango9 I swear. If I didn't know any better, you're a long lost relative of mine. My uncles took me to task when dad didn't...and trust me, dad kept me on point from the time I was in my mom's belly. If I ever said, "Dad, I'm thinking about doing x..." He'd say, "I hear ya. Now, what are you going to do about it? Sit or shit, kid." And in three or four days, either dad or one of the other over-seer's would be asking where I stood on things. It's called love. I appreciate that about you, sir. Keep 'em on point. Always. Never let up. 

morsvens
morsvens 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

@Tango9 @morsvens Haha. Holdin my feet to the fire. I appreciate that. I graduate seminary in May. My mind is open to possibilities after that. Thanks for the friendly nudge to think outside the box. morsvens out.

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

@morsvens @Tango9 you don't get off the hook that easy.  You let me know where and when you applied/inquired.

morsvens
morsvens 5pts

@Tango9 You are right on that Tango9. Good luck with the LE app.

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

Never Quit.


Right? :)

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 5 Like

@morsvens @Tango9 Look brother I'm 45 and I'm applying to an LE academy just because I'm bored.  Knock on enough doors and eventually one will open, just be in a position to take advantage when it does.

Tango9
Tango9 5pts

@morsvens @Tango9 well, just call a recruiter.  What are they going to tell you?  No?

morsvens
morsvens 5pts

@Tango9 @morsvens No, I had gone to the Marine website and read the physical requirements and figured I would not qualify. Now, I'm in my 30's, wife and kids with a B.A. and M.Div under my belt. I have thought of chaplaincy but they are just so PC I would probably go crazy, besides not being able to go cocked and locked.

Tango9
Tango9 5pts

@morsvens @Tango9 My oldest brother was a Marine and had a bad eye... you talked to a recruiter?

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

@morsvens @Tango9 I'm AF, but if you're going to do it?  Go be a Marine.  If nothing else you'll learn how to steal.

morsvens
morsvens 5pts

@Tango9 @morsvens That is the thing. I wanted to be in the Marines all my life, but then had a large brain tumor at 14 that changed things. Basically have one good eye left. I had done some research after that, and the vision requirements basically ruled out any military involvement. I still try to do my part though, carry CCW and try to prepare to protect myself and others here.  That is what the 2nd amendment is all about.

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

@morsvens @Tango9 go where your heart and conscience lead you.  I'd point you at the nearest recruiter but I hate recruiters.  Go slow think it out, and make sure it's something for you.  It's a life changer.

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 3 Like

And dammit Kerry.  It's not as if we're all just sittin' out here scratchin' ourselves, but you gotta roll in with this article.  Now I gotta do something.  I hold you personally responsible for me unassing my chair and making the phone call I'm about to make.


Goddammit.

KerryPatton
KerryPatton 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

@Tango9 hahaha....make that call brother! :)

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 5 Like

Kerry, I'm an unimpressive guy.  I'm AF.  I'm average height, carry a little too much pulled pork around the love handle areas.  Like most of folks, you'd never need to be scared of me.  I can't run very fast and I'm not a pretty man.

But.  Like you, when I see pictures like this it just ties me up in knots not to be on a C-141. 

I haven't given enough.  I know I haven't.  A reasonable person says "thank you for your service" and I hear Charlie Brown's teacher.  You're thanking me for nothing because better men than me have given so much more and I'm pissed that I wasn't there so save it.  Nothing pisses me off more than "thank you for your service."

It's hard to explain but I think you know what I'm saying.

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

"You're thanking me for nothing because better men than me have given so much more and I'm pissed that I wasn't there so save it.  Nothing pisses me off more than "thank you for your service."

Having re-read that post, that 'you're' wasn't directed at you but at the public in general.

ThePatriots
ThePatriots 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 7 Like

@Tango9 I was tracking. I overheard someone thank a soldier once and they said something to the effect of "I thank you for doing what I couldn't do b/c my life's circumstances didn't allow me to join" - maybe some feel that way when they say that to you. 

I swear I'm not looking at the world through rainbow coated goggles while I shit glitter, but I am holding out hope that some out there have that meaning in mind when they say it. Anyway, "it's hard to explain but I think you know what I'm saying"

MR151
MR151 5pts

@Minou_Demimonde @TKW406 @ThePatriots @Tango9 

And I thank you Minou for what you have been doing for our guys, and that WW2 vet and the active duty Marine. And everyone else here who has served and currently is serving.

Minou_Demimonde
Minou_Demimonde 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

@TKW406 @ThePatriots @Tango9 I understand completely. I feel like I should be doing something more. I can't serve--never could; bad knees. Very bad knees. (sigh). But I do what I can. Chris Kyle said that our vets needs more than just a thank you. So the boys at the VA and I have fun on weekends, where I proceed to beat their pants off at WII Mario Cart. My sailors in Iraq know that they're loved because of the Charmin I send. And my soldiers in Afghanistan know that they're loved because of the peanut butter and baby wipes. And it isn't enough. Guys, thank you. Thank you so very, very much. 

Last 4th of July I saw a WWII vet in a wheelchair being pushed by an active duty Marine, home for a two-week break. The Marine was just being kind, and saw that the WWII vet's wife was getting tired. The WWII vet looked up at the Marine, reached back and touched his hand, and said, "Thanks for serving us." I may have gotten a wee bit misty at this, but it got worse. The Marine smiled, and reached down and hugged the vet. In a very shaky voice, he said, "No. Thank you for keeping the country safe for me to serve it." So I bawled like a baby for part of the day. I also paid for their lunch rather stealthily. Heh.

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

@TKW406 @Tango9 @ThePatriots well, thank you sir.  Apple juice, make it a double :)

Tango9
Tango9 5pts

There's just this stupid thing.  No one wants to personally experience a 7.62x56 round tumble through their moving parts.  But for some goddam reason we want to be up front when that wall of bullets comes in.

In fact, we'll fight each other to ensure we're the first bullet catcher. 
It makes no goddam sense.

TKW406
TKW406 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

@Tango9  Damn right on that one!  BTW - I'm still gonna pick up your tab if I ever see ya out on the town.  Arguments not accepted.  That's a promise.  

@TKW406 @ThePatriots 

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

@TKW406 @Tango9 @ThePatriots Hey TK.  I don't wear a uniform any more.  I'm a civilian just like you.  We both still want to get into the fight though ;)

TKW406
TKW406 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 5 Like

@Tango9  Exactly right T9 - Some of us still give a shit.  +1

@TKW406 @ThePatriots 

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 7 Like

@TKW406 @ThePatriots @Tango9 TK I roll across vets here and there, old guys in ball caps with CIBs and VNSMs on them.  I do exactly what you do:  I just say "hey... where'd you serve?" and 2 hours later I pick up the bill at whatever place it is, tip my hat and let them know some of us still give a shit.

TKW406
TKW406 5pts like.author.displayName like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 3 Like

 @ThePatriots    @Tango9   From this civilian to you Veterans:  I've never given a nonchalant "Thank You" to a Veteran.  I look him/her in the eye, shake their hand firmly and mean every word that is said. Many of us feel that the words do not convey the true depth of our appreciation.  It's the best we can do.

T9:  That said - I understand what you are saying.

Tango9
Tango9 5pts like.author.displayName 1 Like

@ThePatriots @Tango9 I know they mean well.  I truly do.  Most of them, anyway.  But those words are like fingernails on a chalkboard to me now.

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