So many crazy stories, so little time. We’ll take a closer look at some noteworthy items in our news roundup. Send me anything we may have missed on twitter at @BKactual.  Good stories about public nudity/drug use/insane people receive special consideration.

Deserter Bowe Bergdahl Facing Article 32:

Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, the U.S. soldier who slipped away from his patrol base in Afghanistan in 2009 and was held in captivity for five years, has been charged with desertion and misbehaving before the enemy, Army officials said Wednesday, setting the stage for emotionally charged court proceedings in coming months.

It is important to note here that this is kind of the equivalent of a civilian grand jury inquiry: This is a preliminary hearing to determine if there is enough evidence to warrant a full court martial. Once the article 32 is complete, the report goes to General Mark Milley, United States Army Forces Commander (FORSCOM.)  At this point, Milley can decide to take no further action, or recommend a general court martial.

Berhdahl is facing 2 counts here:

• One count of desertion with intent to shirk important or hazardous duty.
• One count of misbehavior before the enemy by endangering the safety of a command, unit or place.

The second count is actually far more serious. While they both carry the punishments of Dishonorable Discharge and reduction in rank to E-1, misbehavior before the enemy carries with it a possible life sentence. Of course, without fail, there always has to be one Sally Schoolmarm making sure we all understand about the stupid “Innocent until proven guilty” schtick that we don’t really need to hear all the time.  This time it was dopey John Boehner’s turn to put down his scotch, stand up and wag his finger at everyone.

Let me help you out, John. He’s guilty. It’s only how guilty. So, it’s pretty noteworthy how Berghdahl’s lawyer, Eugene Fiddell,  is going to play it. Fiddell released letters that his team submitted to General Miley’s people describing the brutality of his confinement:

“After the first year, they put me inside a cage,” the letter states. “In there my hands were always handcuffed in front of me, being taken off only on the few times I would wash and change clothes, which came more often than in the first year, when I would go three or four months without washing or changing clothes.”

Bergdahl wrote that he was kept in “constant isolation during the entire five years, with little to no understanding of time, through periods of constant darkness, periods of constant light, and periods of completely random flickering of light, and absolutely no understanding of anything that was happening beyond the door I was held behind.”

So yeah, Bergdahl MAYBE wandered off, but he totally didn’t want to join the Taliban. Once confined, he went all Colonel Bud Day and attempted escape after escape but he just couldn’t outwit his captors. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM… But this narrative must have worked to a degree, because a charge that I’m not seeing above is “Treason.” Remember, one of the theories was that he actively sought out the Taliban to provide aid and comfort.

General Milley is going to be under a ton of pressure to go easy on Bergdahl. The New York Times editorial board is already arguing for leniency:

As a general matter, the American military has good reason to punish service members who desert. However, it should exercise discretion in extraordinary cases. Sergeant Bergdahl’s is certainly one.

Sergeant Bergdahl, who joined the Army in 2008, was among the legion of recruits who were granted eligibility waivers to join the military during a period when it was struggling to attract applicants because of the multiple lengthy deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan that were common. His attempt in 2006 to join the Coast Guard was short-lived; he was discharged 26 days into basic training because of concerns about his psychological state. Before Sergeant Bergdahl walked out of his base in Paktika Province on June 30, 2009, it was clear to some of his family members back home, and some of his comrades in Afghanistan, that he was emotionally distressed and at times delusional. Citing an Army investigative report, his lawyer, in a letter to the military, describes his client as “naïve and at times unrealistic.”

Blah Blah Blah Bowe Berghdahl has suffered enough. You can imagine the rest of the hand-wringing. I’m going to sort of DISAGREE with them on this one.  The man is an adult male. If things were ever that bad, you go to your chain of command to get sent home and take the consequences. Yeah, maybe they drum you out of the military, but that would have been way more preferable to me than being, uh, manhandled by the Taliban.

So is the verdict life in prison?  Time served? Or somewhere in between? I haven’t really decided on that part yet; I’m interested in all the detail that will come out in a general court-martial. And a general court martial is the minimum that needs to happen. But I will say this: You sowed this wind, MISTER Bergdahl. You do not deserve the title of Sergeant in the United States Military. If nothing else, you aren’t that anymore, or ever again.

German wings Flight 9525 update:

As we go to press Friday afternoon, we have learned that the horrific Germanwings Flight 9525 crash seems to have been crashed deliberately by the co-pilot, killing all aboard:

PARIS — Andreas Lubitz was breathing, steady and calm, in the final moments of Germanwings Flight 9525. It was the only sound from within the cockpit that the voice recorder detected as Mr. Lubitz, the co-pilot, sent the plane into its descent.

The sounds coming from outside the cockpit door on Tuesday were something else altogether: knocking and pleading from the commanding pilot that he be let in, then violent pounding on the door and finally passengers’ screams moments before the plane, carrying 150 people, slammed into a mountainside in the French Alps.

This is unbelievable. Can you imagine watching the captain trying to break down the door, and realizing you’re headed into the ground?  Could it be possible that Andreas Lubitz was so despondent and suicidal that he didn’t care about taking 150 people with him? Or was this something else, something more sinister? Mental Illness? Jihad? National Socialism?  The guys over at Fightersweep.com are all over this story. 

Pipe Hitter’s Union MOJO 69 Fundraiser:

On March 15th, 2015, as covered here on cms.sofrep.com, an Air National Guard Blackhawk helicopter, call sign MOJO 69,  went down off the coast of Florida, killing all 11 souls on board. Among the lost were 7 members of the 2nd Marine Special Operations Battalion. A lot of veterans have been stepping up to raise money for the families of the deceased, including the guys at the Pipe Hitter’s Union clothing company.

Famously eccentric Pipehitter’s CEO and SOF veteran Lincoln Osiris has stressed to me that 100% of the proceeds from the sale of these shirts will be going to The Raider Project, which in turn will distribute everything to the families. The shirts haven’t even started shipping yet, and Osiris says that they’ve already passed the 20,000$ mark in pre-order. We should be able to double that. It’s a great cause, and an awesome shirt. Get your order in now.

State Propagandists Salute Aspiring Strongman:

On Monday evening, mainstream media reporters reportedly gave Hillary Clinton a standing ovation after she joked about her private email scandal and took no questions from the press–at an event honoring excellence in journalism.

According to a National Journal report, Clinton took no questions after her 20-minute speech in Washington, D.C., which prompted the Washington Post‘s Dan Balz, who won this year’s Robin Toner award for excellence in political reporting, to reportedly make Clinton an offer: “I am happy to yield my time back to you if you want to take some questions.” Time reported that “Clinton received a standing ovation” anyway “from the journalist-heavy crowd.”

Isn’t that great?  She’s joking about hiding everything from them (and us) and they’re laughing. HAHAHAHAHA SO FUNNY SLURP SLURP YEAH ON MY FACE.  Great job, fourth estate. This is only a preview of what they’ll be doing in their newspapers and talk shows for the next two years. And what normal person wouldn’t run out of a room screaming if they had to sit and listen to Hillary Clinton drone on for an hour? Nobody, that’s who, mister.

Veteran-Owned Business of the Week:

Sunshine Training, Warwick, Rhode Island

If you had spent any time in Baghdad, Iraq over the last 10 years, chances are that you probably saw Ian from Sunshine Training somewhere in the gym. He was the guy wearing hot pink Chuck Taylors and deadlifting the equivalent of a Volkswagen over in the corner of one of Saddam’s old palaces, which we converted into gymnasiums because ‘Merica.

Just when I’d be feeling good about hitting a new personal best, Ian would come along and warm up with my max. He preaches technique, technique, technique. If you want to get big and strong, get your pathetic hamstrings up off the couch and go see him. Vets, if you want to promote your business use the twitter machine and contact me. 

Nobody Parties Harder Than Than the DEA:

Agents of the Drug Enforcement Administration reportedly had “sex parties” with prostitutes hired by drug cartels in Colombia, according to a new inspector general report released by the Justice Department on Thursday.

In addition, Colombian police officers allegedly provided “protection for the DEA agents’ weapons and property during the parties,” the report states. Ten DEA agents later admitted attending the parties, and some of the agents received suspensions of two to 10 days.

Ya gotta hand it to the DEA. They are partying so hard that they can’t even keep their guns on their person. Instead, they hand them over to the Cartel’s coat and gun check lady while they’re snorting cocaine off of prostitutes’ glutes.  (I’m just assuming that’s what they did.)

It’s kind of funny every time you see this with all of these agencies, whether it’s the Secret Service, DEA, or any other law enforcement organization. Common denominators include a badge, plenty of travel, and a lot of boredom. You’re going to get boozing. I don’t care what you do. The guy who is going to be good at a job like that is the same guy who is likely to go out drinking and bang prostitutes. I’m sorry to have to be the one to break this to you.  

About That Whole Gang-Rape Thing- Never Mind:

A four-month police investigation into an alleged gang rape at the University of Virginia that Rolling Stone magazine described in graphic detail produced no evidence of the attack and was stymied by the accuser’s unwillingness to cooperate, authorities said Monday.

It described a hidden culture of sexual violence fueled by binge drinking at the college. Police said they found no evidence of that either.

There were numerous discrepancies between the article, published in November 2014, and what investigators found, said Charlottesville Police Chief Timothy Longo, who took care not to accuse Jackie of lying.

NO KIDDING, he exclaimed sarcastically. But wait, it gets worse:

“There’s a difference between a false allegation and something that happened that may have been different than what was described in that article,” Longo said.

Asked if Jackie would be charged with making a false report, he said: “Absolutely not.”

Absolutely not? ABSOLUTELY NOT??? Why the hell not, CHIEF? This was a FOUR MONTH police investigation. It must have cost tens of thousands of tax dollars. All to investigate a crazy person who made up a whole pack of lies to get attention. Remember, “Jackie” even made up a guy that she said she was dating. She would have her friends text message with this imaginary guy, who was actually Jackie, who would then text her friends back pretending to be the guy! NUTJOB.

Oh, and let’s not forget that Jackie’s two male friends would then text back the imaginary guy pretending that THEY were female friends of Jackie! GI Bill guys, this is what awaits you on today’s college campuses. Crazy people making up imaginary characters on their phones all day. They are walking amongst you.

So we have the spectacle of a Chief of police excusing some batshit crazy woman because… why? Is this what the future holds? If the crazy voices in your head are aligned with some wacky imaginary social justice victimization scenario, then it’s all good?  Maybe we should call this, “The Dorian Johnson Protocol.” (Has he been arrested yet, by the way?) Thanks for that, LONGO. Looks like as far as police chiefs, you’ve come up a little SHORTO, amirite or what?

But to some, it doesn’t really matter what the truth is, but what LESSONS we can all learn. Check out this doofus at the University of Virginia:

“Something happened to her, I think,” said Janie Nelson, a first-year student from Richmond. “I don’t know what, but she’s obviously had some issues. I don’t think there’s a reason to charge her for anything. Even if the article wasn’t completely true, it still brought a good point in the community and has still been important to making it a better place.”

Jesus. Hey, um, JANIE? Report immediately to the nearest USMC Drill Instructor and choke yourself. I can’t believe you’re only a first year college student and you’ve already been thoughtcrimed into being another non-judgemental, non critical-thinking, boring fuck. How about the students who have been tarred as gang-rapists? How about the tax money spent? How about this waste of police resources that could be used elsewhere, for ACTUAL crimes?

Usually it takes at least 4 years and a master’s degree to be this thoroughly conditioned. You’ve impressed me, Janie Nelson. You have earned 4 rainbow stickers by avoiding double-plus ungood conclusions.

You Aren’t Going Anywhere, Son:

The FBI has arrested two men — one of them a current member of the Illinois National Guard — for allegedly trying to launch attacks in the U.S. and overseas on behalf of ISIS, the brutal terrorist group wreaking havoc in Syria and Iraq, authorities said.

Army National Guard Specialist Hasan Edmonds, 22, was arrested at Chicago Midway International Airport as he was trying to fly to Egypt and ultimately join ISIS in Syria or Iraq, according to authorities. His cousin, Jonas Edmonds, 29, was arrested at his home in Aurora, Illinois, authorities said.

I think we need to start weeding these guys out ourselves and stop waiting for the FBI to catch them. Just start working it into any conversation you have with someone you suspect of having jihadist sympathies. It shouldn’t be that hard to pick up clues; these guys love the flowery prose and fierce rhetoric that comes with being a soldier for Allah. 

“Hasan, good morning. Nice day out, isn’t it?”

“Good morning, it is indeed a nice day.”

“Any plans to join the Islamic State?”

“ALLAHU AKBA.. um…no?”

Sir, I’m Going To Need To See Your DD-214:

Lt. Col. Gerald H. Green III’s dishonesty didn’t stop with his uniform.

The former head of the Army National Guard Warrior Training Center at Fort Benning, Georgia, was relieved of command in October while under investigation for wearing an unearned Ranger tab.

But when he was asked whether any other qualifications were noted incorrectly in his record, he admitted to wearing a Sapper tab he didn’t merit … and said nothing of several other items he’d been wearing without the right to do so.

The investigation found Green hadn’t earned his Combat Action Badge or his Army Commendation Medal with valor device, wore air assault wings despite not graduating from air assault school, and “wrongfully certified his … personnel record that he had received the Expert Infantry Badge and a Presidential Unit Citation,” wrote the investigator, whose name was redacted.

C’MON GUY…Look, I know some of the fellas on here aren’t fans of diming out Stolen Valor guys, and I get it. Usually. I mean, it’s pathetic.  But you have to admit, this case is some next-level poseuring and deserves recognition. Dude did all this while serving as the head of the National Guard’s Warrior Training Center at Fort Benning, where, one presumes, there were many soldiers who had actually earned these qualifications.

I almost admire the guy. I mean, you’re talking about some some serious scrotum to walk around FORT FREAKING BENNING with fake awards on your uniform. Not like there are too many highly decorated Army combat vets running around there or anything.

Meanwhile In Russia:

 Nude pictures of budding models Alina Zotova and Lika Ignatyeva went viral after they bared all during a photoshoot in freezing conditions

These two women were sacked from their jobs at a department store after pictures of them naked and holding hands in the snow went viral.

…It was not long before the girls’ boss at the department store where they worked saw them.

A store spokesman said: “The pair were called in to explain their actions and were then dismissed for bringing shame to the city and to Russia.“

I like to read this story while using my best John-Malkovich-in-Rounders bad Russian accent. I would say I wish this would happen more in America, but could you imagine the beasts we’d get taking off their clothes? Or the concept that someone in America would feel shame?

We’ll try again next week or when I feel like it. Send me your hate tweets.