Okay, here’s the deal.  I’m going to do a service for all you aspiring SOF warriors, wanna-be firefighters, newly-enlisted sailors, soldiers, airmen, and Marines, and all other soon-to-be “new guys” out there.  I am going to clue you almost-rookies in on some secrets.  You are going to want to pay close attention to these facts, and maybe even write them down in case you’re apt to forget them in the throws of your “welcome aboard” hazin….errr…..I mean, “orientation.”

There ain’t no such thing as an “ID-10T” form.  Don’t be an idiot and spend all day trying to find one.  It don’t exist.

You’re as likely to find a box of grid squares as you are the batteries for the sound-powered phone.  Think before you hop-to and start asking for imaginary shit.

There ain’t no blinker or headlight fluid out there, whether in the military or the fire service, so don’t go hunting for the blinker fluid or the headlight fluid.  People’s gonna be laughin’ at you, son!

If anyone asks you to go and locate the hose stretchers, wire stretchers, striped paint, IR smoke, or a bucket of steam, you need to just laugh it off and reply with “come on, man.”

Same goes for an engine room air sample or an exhaust sample.  Do not grab a garbage bag and try to collect such a thing, for you will be thought a fool.

Radios do not need frequency grease or a can of squelch, nor is there such a thing as a PRC-E7 radio.

There ain’t no yards of flight line you can round up either, or cases of dehydrated water to go with your MREs.

You’re as likely to find the latter as you are a bucket of prop wash.  Now, chemlight batteries apparently do exist these days, such that one might be something you actually can track down.  Who knew?

If you are preparing for your first night jump, do not spend your valuable pre-jump time seeking out the riser grease or the canopy lights.  Nor should you ponder for long how many PLFs (Parachute Landing Fall) you can fit in a kit bag.  The answer is none.  There also ain’t no keys to the drop zone, so don’t bother looking for them.

Same goes for siren winders for the fire truck or a water hammer.  There ain’t no hammer that pounds on water, probie!

Whatever you do, if you want to avoid being exposed as a rube, then don’t fall for the ole bayonet function check, the hammer qual, or the “soft spot” test for an armored vehicle.  You will look real funny trying to perform all of these.

You’ll also look pretty damn green if you head off determined to “blow the MPA,” which, as it turns out, is the Main Propulsion Assistant on a Navy ship.  He might enjoy it, though…

Don’t bother trying to turn on the range fans, or looking for the horizontal tent pegs.  Nor should you try desperately to find the metric screwdrivers, adjustable needle-nose pliers, or the left-handed crescent wrenches.  You will not be successful, trust me.

Finally, you can locate a bucket of K9P, if asked to, but I do not recommend it.  You’re liable to get bit.

That’s all I got for you, rookie, now welcome to the unit.

Featured image courtesy of US Navy