In recent years, a series of cringe worthy posts inevitably find their way on to social media that lambaste veterans and chastise civilians about what the appropriate way is to observe Memorial Day. Rather than enjoy a long weekend and some time with our families, we are now expected to be sad and solemn as we remember our fallen soldiers. For some, Memorial Day is not a day for barbecues with family but rather, it seems, a day to get drunk in a bar by yourself while fixating on your lost friends.

Memorial Day is indeed a time when we can all reflect on the sacrifices made, the terrible costs that have been paid as American men and women fought the evils of fascism, communism and terrorism across the globe. The world would be a much nastier, less friendly place without American influence and without a superpower advocating for democracy and human rights, but we didn’t get there with sunshine and rainbows. Wars were fought and won in the mud, and at times, it got pretty ugly.

However, there is a serious question on how we process this as a country. Civilians are vaguely aware of the fact that we have soldiers deployed to dozens of countries, many in active war zones. They are also vaguely respectful and thankful for the service of these soldiers. They also have families, jobs and kids little league games. We can’t expect them to be mournful day in and day out and as veterans, we should be thankful for that fact. We helped protect our society from some of the things we saw.

For veterans, Memorial Day has almost transmogrified into a moment for us to rub our service in the faces of everyone around us, reminding the world, that yes, we are veterans. Some rightly argue that Memorial Day is about the fallen, not a day to celebrate the vets who are still with us but proving that virtue signaling and self-aggrandizement knows no bounds, many veterans take Memorial Day as an opportunity to guilt civilians into feeling bad about the war. This is vain and selfish, because guilt is not a productive emotion and is not going to change anything.

For these veterans, we are not supposed to enjoy ourselves on Memorial Day weekend, we are supposed to sit in quiet repose, remember our friends who died in combat and feel bad for them. There was probably a time in my life when I would have agreed, but over the years I thought more and more about what my dead teammates would really have wanted of me.

I remember my Platoon Sergeant, a larger than life figure who seemed to excel at everything he put his mind to. We served together in two platoons, and he was my Platoon Sergeant in both. He was a family man, and I know that he would have given anything to see his wife and kids one more time. But I cannot feel bad for him because I cannot question his sacrifice. They say that Rangers are three-time volunteers because they volunteered for the Army, for the Airborne and for the Rangers. My Platoon Sergeant could be described as a four-time volunteer because he also chose to serve as an operator. I deeply respect his voluntary service. That’s why I won’t feel bad about his sacrifice. He was doing exactly what he wanted to do.

As Memorial Day creeps up on us, I think about what he would have wanted for me. He would have wanted me to love my family and apply myself to something in life, those are the basics that I’m 100% sure of. If his spirit caught me ignoring my family, chastising my friends, or feeling bad for him and for myself in a bar somewhere he would give me some poltergeist version of a bitch slap — and rightly so.

For that reason, I think it is okay to go and have a barbecue with your friends and family on Memorial Day. Remember your teammates who paid the ultimate price, be thankful that you’re still alive. So, be thankful that you get to live in America and enjoy the freedoms that our fallen soldiers fought for.