Facial hair has long been associated with military leadership and rugged masculinity. However, in the context of modern chemical warfare, beards pose a direct threat to survivability. This article refutes the romanticized notion of the “warrior beard” by grounding the discussion in historical precedent, NBC doctrine, and current military policy. From WWI trench hygiene to banana oil testing in Cold War civil defense, through the destruction of legacy chemical stockpiles at Dugway and Tooele, and now to mandated seal checks in 2025, the evidence is clear: seal integrity is life, and that seal begins with a clean-shaven face.