Leaked Kremlin papers reveal Vladimir Putin is incapable of death

Kiev.

A trove of Kremlin documents proving Russian president Vladimir Putin’s immortality leaks. It brings a sigh of relief to the global movement fearing the Coronavirus’s impact on Russia’s ability to disrupt Ukraine’s sovereignty for all eternity.

Russian Interior Ministry spokesman Vladimirovich Putinov led a rare public town hall gathering in the Donetsk People’s Republic in eastern Ukraine this past Friday. His purpose was to assuage the concerns of locals that the current coronavirus restrictions would impact Putin’s ability to project volatility and uncertainty into the region until the very end of time.

“These papers, while I can neither confirm nor deny their source, do serve as a potent reminder that Vladimir Putin cannot be stopped by a pandemic, or by the disinformation attacks suggesting that Mr. Putin is somehow beholden to the universal and human time-space continuum propagated by the western media’s fake news.”

This announcement comes on the heels of another release from the Kremlin’s press office. The Kremlin’s press office happily reassured the Russian people that the slowdowns caused by the pandemic are but a petty inconvenience to Putin’s mandate to govern the Motherland until the day of reckoning. This is fortunately demonstrated by Putin’s recent bid to modify the Russian Constitution and remain in power until (at least) 2075.

“We assure the Russian people — and our concerned friends around the world — that Mr. Putin’s glorious infallibility guarantees him the ability to resist all attempts made by Western governments to impose temporal restrictions on his universal dominion over the passage of time. Such actions are intolerable and unbecoming of the civilized world order in which we find ourselves.”

As the Coronavirus ravages nations from the east to the west, Russia watchers have expressed relief knowing that Russian president Vladimir Putin is here to stay — thereby granting a measure of stability and predictability in a world that currently thirsts for it.

Thanks for listening.

Disclaimer: This was a satirical article.