It is an incredible story filled with subterfuge, chicanery, and high drama, in which a civilian perpetrated a case of  “almost valor” against 3rd Special Forces Group at Fort Bragg, North Carolina. First reported on Facebook (a consistent source of unadulterated truth on the Internet) by Army WTF Moments, a homeless man has apparently been squatting in the 3rd Special Forces Group barracks for months.

SOFREP sources report that, prior to hanging out at the 3rd Group barracks, he was living in barracks belonging to the 82nd Airborne Division. With an illegally obtained or forged military ID card, this almost-soldier posed as an explosive ordnance disposal (EOD) specialist. By all accounts, he was a squared-away troop who maintained good order and discipline in the 3rd Group barracks.

His reassignment from the 82nd Airborne to 3rd Group also came with a self-applied promotion from specialist to sergeant. Once in the 3rd Group barracks, he was known to conduct room inspections to make sure that the privates were keeping their billets clean and orderly. It is hard to know just how much further this story will expand, and perhaps become embellished, but SOFREP has also been told that he attended 3rd Group’s annual ball. Another tale has it that as an EOD expert, he even responded to a suspected UXO (unexploded ordnance) incident on Yadkin Road.

But, like Icarus, he simply flew too close to the sun. So close to attaining glory and valor, this hero’s winning streak came to an end when he was detained on post by military police for driving under the influence. With Johnny Law getting suspicious, it was only a matter of time before someone figured it out. When the MPs came to arrest him, he was holding an intake formation and brief in front of the 3rd Group barracks for soldiers newly assigned to the unit. When the lawmen searched his room, they allegedly found a .300 Win. Mag. rifle and a “large cache of porn DVDs.”

The Army is diminished without his presence and the barracks will surely revert back to their normal state of nature, which is a bit like “Lord of the Flies” without our almost-valor candidate policing up the privates who bunk there.

No, this is not satire. Our satire page is Hit the Woodline.