The Utah National Guard suspects its facilities, equipment and personnel may have been involved in making a swimsuit calendar. Of all the bizarre unauthorized uses of my tax dollars, this seems one of the more reasonable.  Where were these calendar models when I was in SF? (If you answered “elementary school,” you would be correct.)

The Utah National Guard is investigating the mystery of how scantily clad foreign models could have gained access to Camp Williams, the Special Forces Equipment Pool and the M-109A6 Paladin 155mm Artillery System, as well as an Apache AH-64 helicopter stationed at Salt Lake City Airport II.

Based on my training and experience, I may have some insight into how this happened.

Fact: Parties unknown infiltrated a group of scantily clad foreign models deep into Utah through the Salt Lake International Airport.  I believe they were enthusiastically welcomed by American Customs and Border Protection Officers with a cursory inspection of their documents.  My speculation is that after infiltration, a female person (whom I suspect was a foreign model) asked a Sergeant Major if they could take pictures of scantily clad foreign models at Camp Williams posing with machine guns, a Zodiac boat and driving a howitzer.  Brilliant plan – from a few calendar photos, you would never know where the pictures were taken. Could be anywhere. Flawed execution, the crew documented their activities with a detailed “Behind the Scenes” video.

In spite of their lack of military CAC cards, their obviously foreign accents and their improper (and inadequate) uniforms, it seems pretty clear these ladies made it past the security guards at the Camp Williams gate and into some highly restricted areas on base.  The egregious violations of Army Regulation 670-1 alone are enough generate an IG investigation.

According to my sources, the video below is authentic but was edited by parties unknown and re-posted.  The credits where Hot Shots gives a special thanks at the to Soldiers of the 19th Special Forces Group and then thanks their active duty Command Sergeant Major Scott Bollinger by name have been removed from the original video. Dodged a bullet there.

FOX 13 news reports that Utah National Guard Lt. Col. Steven Fairbourn says there is an internal investigation to determine if guard equipment, facilities and personnel were used in the calendar shoot.  I may be able to help out here.  Unless there is an airsoft Forward Operating Base with MRAPs, Apaches attack helicopters and Paladin howitzers in Salt Lake, I think we can close the file on that particular investigation.  Allegation substantiated.

The Utah National Guard and Camp Williams is commanded by the Adjutant General of the Utah National Guard, Major General Jefferson Burton.  The General works for the Governor of Utah.  The 19th Special Forces Group is a Utah National Guard unit, commanded by an active duty soldier, COL Mark Drown.  Interestingly enough, even though they are active duty soldiers, the Commander and the Command Sergeant Major Scott Bollinger of 19th Special Forces Group can’t be disciplined by the U.S. Army or Special Forces Command, because they are assigned to the state of Utah unless mobilized.  My sources indicate that the Governor was the first to become aware of the situation.  COL Drown was later called by USSOCOM to explain the video.  That must have been awkward.

There is some  good news for the Green Berets. Looks like they talked several major units in Utah into helping out.  Equipment belonging to Utah’s 1-11th Aviation Attack Helicopter Regiment and 3rd Field Artillery Battalion are clearly visible in the videos.  The Governor can’t fire every Commander in Utah. If Major General Burton is forced to retire, COL Drown will probably be promoted.

Utah House Minority Leader Jennifer Seelig, D-Salt Lake City is pretty upset and threatened to ask some embarrassing questions if there are hearings. “If this video was shot at a government restricted facility using government specialized military equipment, either leadership knew about this — or their security protocols aren’t robust enough to keep a bunch of calendar girls and their crew and assorted groupies out.”

Clearly, more investigation is needed. I, for one, would like to learn more about the alleged “assorted groupies.”  We have good images of the models, let’s hope additional video is uncovered.

Representative Seelig has identified a key American vulnerability.  Scantily clad foreign models have virtually unlimited access to any military facility (or law enforcement facility or fire department) they target.  If a terror group were to unleash teams of scantily clad foreign models and video cameras, our male and lesbian dominated security institutions would be defenseless. Nothing stands between us and those ample bosoms but our gallant female politicians.

The fictional war on women has come home to exploit the most vulnerable among us, hyper-testosterone soldiers.  Should civilians have access to prodigious cleavage and sexy foreign accents when they can be used to breech security areas?  Should those bosoms only be trusted in the hands of military and law enforcement?  Our elected representatives will decide.

You can buy your calendar here.  A percentage of these funds goes to the UK charity Help for Heros. WARNING: These funds may also be used to sponsor additional scantily clad foreign model incursions into sensitive areas.

(Featured Image Courtesy: hotshotscalendar.com)