Advisory: intermittent strong language

Oh, my God… the Chinese!

Muricans have typically made for some crappy tourists in other countries. But sports fans move over and make way for the new Patron Saints of awfully-behaved people visiting other countries — the Chinese! For all of modern history, the Chinese have been hard-driven to be the world leaders in some aspect of life, and I think they made have found their niche in the realm of really truly shitty tourists.

They did it all without huge armies, powerful navies, or air forces. They did it without humongous nuclear arsenals and hypersonic long-range missiles. They did it without lying, cheating, stealing, and copying… they did it by just being their wonderful selves — yeah! Was that so hard, China? I credit Chinese originality (whoops, an oxymoron!) for a number of other far-eastern wonders:

I blame this utterly ridiculous scene on the Chinese language, that outrageously complex and inefficient Chinese language. At no time during a normal business day are any two Chinese positively certain of what the other is saying. Apparently the Chinese Surgeon General went on the air and described the recommended best practice for Colonavilus protection:

“Have to wear it which protects such as with non-porous barrier like plastic forming bubblehead and around! Many layers filters protectingly absorb poison bugs to film! Do or face for certain death ten-thousand times!”

“Wang Chung… what the hell did he say?”

“Christ, Wu Tang Clan… you’re asking me? I think we’re supposed to put empty waterjugs over our heads and sing ‘Crack That Whip’ by Devo.”

The Grapefruit was found to be refreshing and energizing, though lacking in any filtrations properties whatsoever below 100 microns. The empty waterjugs are just… stupid. The feminine hygiene napkin worked jus alright but only lasts about a week. By far the most efficacious, the cabbage patch mask is definitely… ahead.

Man caught masturbating in public for 13th time

Well gosh, unlucky number 13! But actually some heads-up legislation in Springfield, Kansas prevented Bobby “the Fist” Green, 49, from Masturbating a 14th time. New legislation called the “Baker’s Dozen Act,” calls for the immediate arrest of any person attempting to masturbate in public while having a record of 13 prior public masturbations.

“We just feel,” the County Sheriff stated, “that 12 masturbations are sufficient grounds to put our foot down and really throw the book at these jack-offs — I mean enough is enough! You want to dance in this county, you’re gonna have to pay the band!” Huffed the crime-hardened sheriff.

When asked why the 13th instance was added to the one dozen figure he replied: “Well, we just threw that in as a bonus for the perpetrator — we’re not monsters you know!”

(News link courtesy of SOFREP reader Mic-Mac)

Creepy Joe Biden’s decline

The link above is a brief clip of Joe Biden quoting from The Thing of the United States of America. The Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the Thing have been stored in a special 50-ton steel and concrete vault since they were transferred to the National Archives Building from the Library of Congress in 1952.

Then again in this clip, Joe confuses his wife with his sister. For me, the confusion was awkward enough but Joe’s recovery — or lack thereof — was equally awkward: “They switched on me, they switched on me!” As Delta Force badass Patrick Arther McNamara said recently of another person afflicted by ostensibly the same demise: “He’s losin’ his marbles, yep… losin’ his marbles.”

“By the way, this is my little sister, Valerie, and I’m Joe’s husband…” Did I really hear that right?

Wine Flows from Tap

Oh, sure… by some incredible freak “accident” wine started pouring from the taps of houses in the small town of Settecani, Italy. I’m not buying it folks — and linguini started falling from the heavens. Like, what else would the Italians dream of having pour from their sink instead of water — coconut milk?

“Can you explain this??” exclaimed a health official at the sink of a local man.

“Si, it’s-a Lambrusco Grasparossa, a nice little-a table a-wine — goes-a molto bene with marinera!”

There’s no scientific or engineering explanation for the incident, just some pipes got crossed up between the water company and a local winery and — presto! In the U.S. we have a rigorously sophisticated infrastructure to keep potable water and sewage from mixing — only in Italy does wine get spilled into their water supply.

A clearer explanation was obtained by officials conducting an investigation at the local water plant when one of the investigators threw open a utility room door to find a red-faced Jesus of Nazareth hiding inside:

“Okay, the gig is up, Jesus… up to your ol’ tricks again — eh, your Holiness?”

“Please don’t tell my Dad!” our Lord and Savior pleaded.

“Oh, I think he probably already knows — don’t you??”

(News link courtesy of SOFREP reader Mic-Mac)

Is NOTHING sacred??

This business in Baltimore seems to feel threatened with going under by the amount and length of breaks that its employees are taking in the bathroom. It seems that the workers will go sit in the bathroom for long periods of time not actually engaging in bathroom-appropriate functions — but rather chatting on their smartphones.

It may not seem possible that the issue is of sufficient magnitude to ruin a business, but this particular business feels so threatened to the degree that they assigned their lowest ranking employee to conduct “smell checks” in the bathrooms to ensure that their employees are indeed pinching loaves and not just catching up with mom-n-em.

Employees who fail to emanate the smell of shite will be put on the report to the company CEO.

A few things spring immediately to mind:

“Ok… this is the company sniffer… I don’t know who’s in there but I don’t smell any shit in there. You have just five minutes to produce an obnoxious odor or I’m adding you to my report!”

“That is correct Sir, the employees are bringing in feces from home sealed in plastic bags and opening them in the bathroom while they talk on their phones.”

“This is the company sniffer… Oh, merciful mother in heaven it smells so God-awful bad in here — good job, comrade Williams!”

“That is correct Sir, employee Rupert Perkins has been bringing his shit from home in sealed plastic bags and selling it for $7.00 per lb or $13.00 for two lbs.”

“To employee XXX:
you are being terminated from your tenure with Spacely Sprockets for voluntarily creating the illusion of taking a dump while on company time. It is for that reason that management has lost trust in your ability to perform your duties in an efficient and honest manner.”

“My God it stinks in here… is that you in there Millie? Is that you? I can see your shoes and those are Millie’s shoes so it must be you in there, Millie!”

“I’m the company sniffer and I’m reporting you to management.
“I don’t give a shit.”
“Yes, that’s why I’m reporting you, phone-boy!”

(News link courtesy of SOFREP reader Mic-Mac)

Hindus drink cow urine to ward off Coronavirus

Here in the U.S., the nation has its finest mechanics working on a chemical antidote for the virus… with their double helical, peptide chained, methydyethylphosphate-induced, 2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile-havin’, strong covalent bond-producing mumbo-jumo… and over in India this whole time they have had the solution. If you were wondering why the cow urine shelves at your grocery stores are stripped bare, here’s the reason:

“Come Krishna and Vishwajeet; let us go and drink cow pee.”

(News link courtesy of SOFREP reader Mander)

In honor of Chief Greg “Gravy” Coker, the Geo Winchester cartoon T-Shirt

By Almighty God and with honor,
geo sends