Your News Roundup: The ingenuity of man, the uncompliant...

Warning: strong content

Proud Papa with Penis Protruding from Arm

The subject during the making of a porno movie in Japan.

You heard me. Big Brit bro mighty Malcolm McDonald has a simple story: he lost his penis and surgeons offered him a new one. His response:

“I mean mate… I don’t want to go around dickless the rest of me life now, do I!” — fair enough, Malcolm.

The procedure calls for what can only be described as “harvesting” the appendage from skin and such from his arm, due to the sensitivity of skin in that area of the body. When the “harvest” is “ripe” they will attach it and hope for the best.

I mean he didn’t lose his Johnson in the sense of “Now where did I put that thing again — MARTHA… HAVE YOU SEEN MY JOHNNNSONNN?” He lost it due to a really terrible blood infection. This poor brother has seen some suffering. While this procedure may not be the only choice for near-full-penile recovery, it is probably the most acceptable in the eyes of the surgeons. I have never heard of a Johnson transplant before, and in that, there is always the less-than-sundry thought:

“You don’t even know where that thing has been.”

In one of his photos he was wearing a Members Only Jacket; IDK if that was supposed to be funny or maybe he is just shoving it in fate’s face like a tuff guy. He was a tad indignant when his interviewer asked him how he felt prior to the procedure knowing he couldn’t have sex anymore, to which he shrugged and replied: “Meh, I got two kids” — pretty badass attitude on that bro!

Now, I don’t want to come across as overly pedantic and pick on a brother, but come on, Sparkey! We can glean quite a lot of information from this photo. For one thing, being a COVID Compliance chump doesn’t require any measure of education to make the cut — reading ability not required. This guy was going for his Ph.D. in genetics when he suddenly changed his career path, breaking into the realm of disease compliance. Yeah, you talk about selfless service.

I hate to say it, but if this is who’s in charge we have a problem, Houston! I’ll bet he is at a mall right now… at a food court in a mall. That is sure where I would be if I had one of those coveted compliance officer vests, and the mall is where all the chicks are — they’d be all over that like white on rice.

“Ooooo… are you really a COVID-19 Compliance Officer??”

Two ways to continue to read this article.

(Barney Fife savvy expression) “S’right, hon — watch your distance please, Ma’am!”

“Your job sounds really hard — I’ll bet you get into a lot of scuffles and confrontations.”

(still Barney look) “Well yeah — sniff — it’s all good though; ma’ whole body’s a weapon — sniff.”

Call me cooky but I don’t think our officer is even wearing a mask — it just keeps getting better. This guy’s most fundamental task is to comply, and he’s got two strikes just standing there. I’ll bet he’s coughing and sneezing on the back of that guy’s head too. He’s just begging for a Karen-al confrontation; an encounter with a Karen who has just nothing in her miserable life going right for and is ripe to bitch as someone.

Apparently you don’t need an ass either to fill a billet in this guy’s precinct. That was just mean but I can’t stop… take a sailor for example; they have lots of chores, tasks, and duties, but at the very grassroots-level of their existence the one job they absolutely must accomplish — not falling off of the cock-a-doody boat!!

“Good morning men. Welcome to your first day on the USS CVN-602 Mic-Mac — do NOT fall off the boat. That is all; we’ll cover the ancillary minutia tomorrow.”

Yet every year a few Doogies fall off their boats, and it’s not like Skipper Kirk can just flip a bitch with his aircraft carrier to go back and pull Bob Bookie and his cousin Weenie from the drink. Skippers too; their grass root-level job is: Don’t hit any other boats, but — BAM — every year a few of them. Wow, I really gotta stop.

Sick Seattle Students Seek to Sue City for Stupid $hit

This story doesn’t quite sum up the level of mental illness in the heads of liberals, but it contains and represents it quite well. Liberal activists are suing the city of Seattle because of freedom of speech infringement. How is the city infringing? Because is too expensive for the libtards to purchase protective riot gear to go out and exercise their first amendment rights. Well, wag the dog, tail!

Yeah, I’d love to be the magistrate presiding over those cases:

“Your honor, docket number F447, Jibbop Dizzy Wizzle vs. the City of Seattle for Infringment of First Amendment Rights.”

“Yes, thank you, bailiff… Yeah, fuck you, kid. Case is dismissed (Gavel) *BANG*– NEXT!

Hey, I don’t have a car to go buy a gun to protest and shoot cops. That’s two amendments infringed upon, right there! The city needs to buy me a car and a gun — I’m going to make a killing (pun)! Is that really how this works in Seattle? I think Seattle has got a case of the sue-me-sue-you blues — Right, George Harrison?

The saddest part of this story, as you probably fathom by now… is that the ensuing (pun) libtards will probably win. There are your civic taxes being put to great use. Oh, just a tidbit — Michigan police report that a gang member arrested for a drive-by shooting was released without bail, and he committed three more drive-by shootings. My God… what if they had arrested him for the other three shootings as well. That would have infringed on a serious amount of a citizen’s drive-by shooting time. I think Seattle is more concerned that the shooter was going the correct speed limit as he was driving by to shoot — Mad World!

Dr. Michael Savage will one day roll over in his grave for this nonsense.

OMG, Somebody Just Please Shoot Me in the face with a B-1 Lancer Before I See Another Chineez Shirt

My line of Status Smocks turns over pretty well to those hipster Chineez who like to tweet all their food and keep us all abreast of vapid details of their meaningless lives, via their phones and socmed accounts. They can grab an armload of Status Smocks and change them through the day as their status changes. Others posts include:

“Saw kyoot guy who winked”

“Do you think this nail polish is too slutty?”

“Yeah, I see you looking, Dummy!”

“Back in Subway headed home — some people can be so rude!”

“I don’t know… my life just has no direction.”

On the left, his mama told him he is special and he could be something one day. I developed this Tee for young hip-hop wannabees with low self-esteem. In the day when we had low esteem, we would work hard to improve ourselves. These days they just don a shirt with “I am the best — the most from coast to coast” and it turns their lives right snap around! On the right… well, that started out to be a Status Smock but just lost steam. Besides, some people really do think just like that.

I don’t know if this corkscrew is speaking for both of them or what, as he dons his pretty-in-pink backpack sporting a birthday party hat. Turns out the Chineez discovered that the most American thing they can do is to be gay — though that also leads to them being mistaken for the French. The other person is certainly typing: “I don’t know… my life just has no direction.”