So you still want to be a mercenary, even after reading part one. What the hell is wrong with you? To recap, this is not the sort of life meant for those seeking fame and fortune. That said, it also isn’t a lifestyle that requires one to be highly qualified in the art of warfare, though it helps. I am not grossly qualified, not bedecked with long tabs, nor was I ever referred to as an “operator” while serving my country in the U.S. Army. In fact, the only special training I have received was during my childhood.

From six to 17, I rode a bus that was shorter than the one the other students rode. That bus took me to the side of my school. From there I descended through a double metal door and into the basement. I attended a special class in the boiler room with a small group of other select children, and I could eat all of the paste that my heart desired. I enjoyed that lifestyle. That is, until our special bus dropped us off at the armed forces recruiting center instead of taking us to school. Our educators, friends, and family called us “special.” Many others still do to this day, as did the men in uniform who made us like them.

This relates to your next lesson: You will need to have a lighthearted outlook on life, as the world around you will constantly shift, and there will be unplanned obstructions in your path. On the home-front, you will need to really leave that life behind. Not in the typical military sense, but more in the prison sense. Say goodbye to your friends, family, and loved ones, because you will no longer have the time or connectivity to be an active or integrated part of their life.

Next, ditch your concept of self-worth and your overdeveloped, bullshit self-image. All right, sure you can keep it if you want, but it is unlikely to do you many favors. Consider this: You are not applying at Office Emporium, lying your way into a job as the third-shift stock boy. This is real, and you will need to clearly and concisely define what you can actually do, as you will need to eventually back it up. Your actual abilities are set to be tested in real, Third-World, unorganized, asymmetrical combat, in a place where you most likely do not speak the language or have a realistic, concrete plan to leave in a hurry. If you are, in fact, a failure in the field, your supervisor is not a high-school student, and the consequences are tangible and immediate. Here, Jimmy and your co-workers are most certainly not the cast from “Workaholics.”

So, let’s say you fibbed your way onto your first mission. Now, do you really think your past excuses such as,
“My goldfish died” or “I was drunk, and she said she was 18” would really work in this situation? Granted that you will most likely be escorted out of there, but you could also be murdered by the team of mercenaries that you have deceived, or get yourself killed because you don’t belong there in the first place. The time to get real and grow up is now upon you. Say goodbye to the BS you tell yourself and others. Reality will need to set in, and prior to your decision to sally forth on this new endeavor.

Get your mind right, there are demolition charges to prepare! Image courtesy of Buck Clay.
Get your mind right, there are demolition charges to prepare! Image courtesy of author.

That doesn’t mean you are destined to be as bland as the humorless and stereotypically overboard government employee, not by a longshot if you are truly cut out for this line of work. Break out your sledgehammer and tear down the fourth wall because all of reality is now your stage. Congratulations, you are on your way to developing the charisma and wit of a true madman.

Humor becomes your medium, and you will need it to stay sane enough to avoid getting locked up in an institution. The new life you have chosen has likely left you destitute, your new paycheck—which you mostly likely will never see—may barely break three figures. The people from home are far away and you’re not part of their life anymore. Your new surroundings are hostile and foreign. This situation seems precarious to an outsider, but like any ordinary Tuesday to anyone who has been kicked around a bit. The time is now upon you to learn to make the best of the situation, and on brain power alone.

I know that is a terrifying concept to most. OMG, I can’t imagine a world without my phone! Well, you’d better lose the phone, especially one from home, unless your goal it to be killed or imprisoned. You’ve abandoned your life at home for the chance at making some unlikely known/unknown difference in the world, but you’re more likely to eat incoming fire than succeed at such lofty goals.