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Turns out dad was right. Things really are more screwed than we thought. It’ll get better—maybe—but in the meantime, best to continue down the prepper path. But fortified, zombie-proof bunker is more than just a man cave, it’s a last-resort fallback plan that should be well-stocked with the stuff you’re going to need for the end-of-days scenario.
We know about the essentials; water filtration, plenty of canned goods, and, of course, enough toilet paper to last you a while. But what about the tools you need at an arms-length when the undead shit hits the proverbial fan? We put together our wish list of Z-day preparedness items from the practical to the downright predatory. And until the end times really show up, they’re yours to play with.
1. Trucker’s Friend
The truckers don’t use ‘em just for changing tires, you know. A good hunk of iron is useful in the apocalypse, especially one that cuts branches, pries nails, chips ice, and whatever else should…arise. Don’t sneer this handheld slugger. When the scatter gun runs dry you’ll be glad you have it.
2. Iluminar Medium-Range IR Illuminator
They see nothing, and you see them. That’s the idea, anyhow. Use the Iluminar to illuminate your choke points or danger areas with invisible infra-red light and let your CCTV cameras do the rest. Packed with 940nm covert IR LEDs, the Iluminar bathes a radius of up to 65 feet with invisible light, has a weather-resistant closure, and doesn’t suck too much power. It will also aid night vision devices on even the blackest nights. The powder-coat finish keeps it subtle, and it’s wall or ceiling mountable. Oh, and it’s backed with a three-year warranty.
3. Black Acres Bullpup
Whether it’s dropping big game for stew meat or making mincemeat of a horde of zombies, the Black Acres Bullpup with get it done. Ideal for close quarters, this bullpup has an overall length of only 28-inches and cycles both light and heavy loads via 5-round mags. Need more firepower? The Black Acres Bullpup will also take 1919 drums to keep even the hungriest brain-eaters at a bite-free distance. It has ambidextrous charging handle, safety and magazine release and comes stock with a synthetic BAT forward grip. ‘Nuff said.
4. ATN Night Vision Goggles
No good bunker is complete without a pair of NVGs, and ATN is the country’s leading manufacturer of high-quality optics. These, the NVG7s, are ATN’s entry-level option and yet are on par with what many military forces are using today. The NVG7s offer a 40-degree field of vision and boast a battery life of about 60 hours. Translation: You can de-dome the undead for almost three days straight before needing to stop for more power. They’ve also got auto-brightness and bright source shutoff so you won’t go blind when your bunker buddy pops a flare. And with built-in IR, these babies will see into total blackness.
5. Xikar Travel Humidor
The little pleasures in life don’t have to go away when most of life on the planet does. Xikar’s Pelican-style cases are constructed of ABS molded plastic and come complete with stainless steel hinges and latches and are waterproof, crush-proof, and air-tight. This model will keep up to sixty of your favorite sticks fresh and ready for celebrating a day of kickassery. Though these larger models come with humidifiers, throwing in a few Boveda packs will keep your stash alive longer. Need to fill it? Check out JR Cigars for some decent prices on solid brands.
6. Killer Instinct Rush 380 Crossbow
Daryl Dixon single-handedly reminded us of the crossbow’s z-dropping potential. But if fictional zombie killers don’t do it for you, it’s worth remembering that the crossbow has been a staple of combat from the ancient Greeks to the jungles of Vietnam. This one hits with 118 pounds of energy (a well-placed shot ought to knock down a full-grown…elk) and the proprietary string and limb suppressor system reduces noise and vibration for increased stealth and performance; they’ll never hear it coming.
7. Hornady Lock-N-Load Ammo Press
If you’re going to make the apocalypse work for you, bullets need to be a renewable resource. Hornady’s Lock-N-Load Ammo Press is the ideal way to bring spent brass back to life. It’s got a quick-change die-bushing system, metering inserts, and a case-activated powder drop to make the job run smoothly. Your pistols and rifles will never go hungry again, even if the zombies will.
8. YETI Tundra 250 Hard Cooler
This beast is a world-class cooler company at its best. It’s essentially a mobile deep freezer, big enough to hold a wahoo or a quartered elk. Integrated tie-downs mean you can strap it to a truck bed or a boat when it’s time to leave the bunker. Its Fatwall design and Permafrost insulation help it keep the cold stuff cold for as long as it needs to be. And thanks to features like a Neverfail hinge system and rotomolded construction, it truly is a tank.
9. Lightronic 10,000 Lumens Spotlight
CCTVs and IR lighting only get you so far. When things get serious you need enough power to put any target in daylight. This spotlight puts out a blistering 10,000 lumens thanks to high-powered CREE LED lights. Use its remote control for lighting from a distance, or activate it as a Zee-coy. If things go pear-shaped, an explosion flashing setting puts out an SOS signal.
10. ReadyWise Freeze-Dried Meat and Rice Bucket
Who’s ready for some bunker stew? These emergency supply “meat buckets” are the perfect base for any larder. It’s 60 servings of chicken and beef and 20 servings of rice, freeze-dried in a bucket, and it won’t go bad for fifteen years. Just add water, maybe a little bit of sriracha, and boom—you’re no longer starving to death. Sure as hell beats a box of stale MREs.