I left the SEAL Teams in 2006, and it’s taken 14 years of harassment by fans and friends and a global pandemic for me to finally put my surfboard down for a day and give you my choice for the ultimate pandemic loadout.
Warning: this is sure to put some bad milk creamer in someone’s coffee, and the truth is, I really don’t fucking care. You wanted it, you got it.
The pandemic of the gun world today is that guns have gotten too pretty. I go to the range and look at some of the tactical lip gloss and bling hanging all over a perfectly good gun, and taste “Balut” puke in my mouth.
Balut is a fermented egg embryo. A delicacy in the Philippines, and puke fuel for a young Brandon who had to drink his aircrew wings after eating it.
In the Dirty Dozen there’s a great quote as Donald Sutherland inspects the troops. “Very pretty, General. Very pretty. But, can they fight?
So put away your shiny rims and fuzzy Call of Duty Black Op dice, and pay the fuck attention.
“Brandon, going to the gun store to protect my family, what do I buy?” says a friend in New York worried about the recent rioting. Ok, here’s roughly what I told him. “Out here everything hurts…”
My Pandemic Civilian Loadout
My guiding philosophy: Walmart Availability, Amazon Prime reliability, and Apple functionality.
HK, Sig or something metal and German in 9mm. This equals apocalypse reliability. I left off Glock (and I love them for the value) because when I was in Iraq I saw a guy flip a vehicle and somehow the handle of a Glock was broken in the process, and a perfectly good gun was ruined. It’s a rare case. But, let us not forget, this is your Mad Max Thunder Dome package. We aren’t fucking around with Taurus or a lot of other bargain brands, leave them in the one-dollar bin and spend your money elsewhere.
Why 9mm? They’re readily available across America, and lighter than .45 to lug around. If you can shoot straight you can ditch the “Fat guy at the gun shop counter with a bad attitude” argument about “stopping power.”
Lasers. We don’t need no stinking lasers. Unless you’re going to a night raid in Pakistan, save your money. Get a good Surefire mounted high lumens light, hit them with the beam, blind’em, and blast them to the stone age. Point and shoot. Practice instinctive fire at the range. Surefire still makes the best lights. Don’t accept the China virus substitute.
Blaser, HK, Sig or something from wood or metal and European in .308/7.62mm, again for the availability. If you want to run out of ammunition, you won’t find your fancy round at Walmart. “I’ll just reload my own,” you might say. Well, good luck with that dude. Plus, your reloading kit won’t travel very well.
And while I’m a fan of the modern semi-autos, you can’t beat the end of world reliability of a bolt action Blaser. It also has a patented straight pull and push bolt. It’s a beautiful gun.
Outfit it with iron sights for back up, and a great variable power scope (3x-10x power). Again, don’t go cheap. It’s like shopping for a parachute, do you really want the cheapest one? That’s what I thought. Schmidt & Bender are the best but buy anything near that quality and you won’t regret it.
Benelli (or similar quality) 12 Gauge semi-auto with a Surefire high lumens forward grip light. Who doesn’t love a good shottie!? It’s good for close quarters and one of the best home defense options. Point, squeeze the light into the bad guy’s face blinding him (her, they, them), and stack the bodies to God.
Emerson is one of the best folders and worth every penny. The wave opening will beat any auto out there from the draw. Remember, stay away from fancy autos: this is the end of the world.
Ok, we’re veering off the weapons trail a bit here but these are a few items to finish up our “Get the hell out of Dodge City” loadout.
Crye Precision, London Bridge, or similar quality (Made in the U.S.A. or Europe). It should be large enough to carry some food, water, ammo, and a medical kit. Arc’teryx makes some great outerwear products but some of their packs look amazing and function as a football bat. Remember, there’s a reason they say in SEAL training, “You’re as fucked up as a football bat!” I forget the model I bought, but I’ll find it and post it in the comments below so you can save your money.
Ballistic Plate insert
Made in the U.S.A. This is for your backpack. There are several out there just make sure it can stop a .45 at minimum. I carry one of these in my daily pack and just forget it’s there. With my laptop inside it will stop a rifle round.
You can buy most of these over the counter. At the minimum, you need gauze (the good high clot stuff), medical tape, moldable splint, antibiotic ointment, anti-fungal ointment (there’s always that person in the group!), trauma sheers, anti-inflammatory pain killers, nail clippers, tourniquet, self-adhesive medical wrap (replaces bandaids), and airway kit. You should also take a CPR refresher or watch a YouTube video.
Also, don’t sleep on footwear. A good pair of boots is important, the right pair will save your ass.
These are my picks. Please share this article if you think someone could use the info. I’m very sure this throws gas on the “Great gun debate” that rages on. But, like Melania said with her famous jacket, “I really don’t care.”