Jimmy’s Very Big Mistake

James Van Cleave of Fort Bragg, North Carolina, got himself a brand-new gloss black GMC Jimmy truck with tinted windows. How cool was it? Tipping the scales at almost 100% gangsta, it just gosh darned-near gave James an erection. Jimmy’s Jimmy made his jimmy snap to the position of attention.

Since it was the weekend, James decided to head out for an off-road baptism of his new Jimmy truck. Blazing down the hardball road in search of a suitable subject, he made a choice on a firebreak road that just seemed to have that kind of pumpkin patch sincerity conducive to the great pumpkin.

Off-road he turned.

The inglorious victim, Jimmy

On he blazed. He zigged and zagged, ascended and descended, tacked, crabbed, drifted, brake modulated, fish-tailed, four-wheeled, forgot his worldly woes… and got stuck! Yes-um, he was good and stuck, like a stuck pig his stuck truck was outta luck –yuck!

He could’ve-would’ve-could’ve dug himself out in short order but he had no shovel in his new Jimmy. He had no tools to speak of, in fact he really had nothing but his big stupid face that he was looking at in his rear-view mirror. Realizing just how nicely he had set himself up he could see that big capital letter “S” raise up in his mind’s eye — yes capital “S” and that rhymes with mess and that stands for stupid stupid Jimmy!

James moped his way down the firebreak trail back onto the hardball road where he flagged down a Military Policeman (MP) driving by. Explaining his predicament to the MP he was met with furled brow: in fact, the MP appeared to be all but knitting a pair of brown socks with his furled brow:

“I think you’ll need to coordinate with Bragg Range Control before you go back in there after your Jimmy, James. You should have checked with Range Control before you went in there in the first place — we can go to Range Control right now, and you can call for a ride there.”