First contact! The ideal global response to potential extraterrestrial life

Well, we all knew this day was coming. OK, those of us who believe knew that this day was coming. According to observer.com, a team of scientists from the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI—yes, it is a real and legitimate organization) is investigating “mysterious signal spikes” coming from a six billion-year-old star that is 95 light years away from Earth. The signal’s strength—and other properties too scientifically advanced for this non-science idiot to describe—has basically driven a number of scientists to call for its permanent monitoring.

Some reputable (i.e. non-crazy) scientists firmly believe that it is possible the signal is coming from an advanced civilization that could be reaching out to our solar system, and thus the signal merits further scrutiny. It was first detected in May of 2015, in Russia, and space reporter Paul Glister first broke the story at Centauri-Dreams.org.

Now, this author is not usually one to jump to conclusions on important matters, unless they involve the fitness of Donald Trump to be president or how Hillary Clinton handles classified intelligence, but in this case, caution be damned! The time to prepare is now!

With that in mind, here are some theoretical approaches with which we could collectively respond to the inevitable first contact with this advanced alien civilization. Get your bunkers ready, my friends! It is gonna get ugly.

Build a space wall

Clearly, the first thing we must do is build a wall, make it high, and make the aliens pay for it. This off-Earth defensive constellation of astro-materials should be constructed in such a way as to provide a mechanism for early warning, as well as to slow the invasion of the alien hordes. Whether they want to steal our space jobs, invade our bodies to impregnate us with their alien anchor babies, or pilfer all of our natural resources, it is clear that we cannot trust these extraterrestrial monsters.

I mean, really, just who are the aliens going to send here, anyway? Surely, not their best aliens. I think we all know that it will be the alien rapists and murders and dealers of their exotic extraterrestrial drugs. Think about it.

Create the Astro-Green Beret-Delta-SEALs

The military response to every international crisis these days is to launch a small force of special operators, supported by technology and national intelligence, to “handle” a situation. Much in the same way that this always works in real life, not to mention in the movie “Armageddon,” we must form a space commando force and pre-position them off-Earth as a trip-wire.

This force will be there to make first contact, engage the aliens, and shoot and maneuver in low-Earth orbit. Perhaps we can call them the Space Anti-alien Combat Teams (SAACTs). Surely we can find some SOF operators who are nuts enough for our SAACTs. Some SEALs are already astronauts, after all.

Form the interstellar United Nations

Perhaps violence and antagonism are not the proper methods with which to greet our new alien neighbors. After all, in the past we have overcome international differences through the formation of multilateral organizations. Perhaps the best way to handle this first contact would be to form an interstellar version of the UN. It could be called the Federation of Recognized Celestial Environments (the FORCE), and its aim would be to foster peace and cooperation between Earth and any other inhabited planets out there in the galaxy. Like the real UN, it will definitely work to make the universe a more peaceful place and prevent future conflict.

Op Plan AVATAR

Should The FORCE fail to bind everything together in the galaxy in peace and harmony, we will of course need to think about going on the offensive. It is not enough to build up a rigorous defense of space walls manned by space commandos. That can only help us so much. What if our SAACTs are ineffective, or they are wiped out by the invading alien force, and we are left SAACT-less?

My friends, the answer lies not only in a strong defense, but in a vigorous offense. With that in mind, the world’s smartest generals, admirals, and evil oil company executives must unite to formulate Op Plan AVATAR, which will detail a full-scale invasion plan for the alien planet.

Once we figure out how to build weaponized star ships that can travel 95 light years away, determine the best way to keep the humans on board alive for the decades it will take to get there, and figure out how to kill these alien bastards, we will then plan to take over their planet and keep for ourselves their natural resources. It only seems fair, after all, that we get to keep the resources. I mean, who is going to pay for the expense of the invasion? Trust me, they’ll pay for it.

But, peace between worlds!

Too much aggression, you say? OK, so we are back to possibly “getting along” with our extraterrestrial neighbors. It is so hard to come up with a coherent strategy and approach to this. What if we put together a global aid/humanitarian package (although, can we call it “humanitarian” if it is not meant for humans? Hmmmm…).

The package would consist of a bunch of MREs, money, and teddy bears. We could send it off on a rocket to the alien world. Or, we could pack the rocket full of Earth-centric propaganda and send it to them so that they know we are friendly, and worth sparing from planetary and species extinction. (Don’t vaporize us, pretty please?)

We do not really know for sure if these aliens have hearts, or what the biological composition of their “minds” might be, but dammit, we can still try to win both! Hollywood could help out here by making a bunch of fictional movies about how great the human race is, and how we would never, ever think of harming or exploiting our new alien “friends.” It would be challenging, but I have faith they could pull it off.

Let’s just wait and see

Barring all of the above, the last option available to deal with the inevitable first contact with this new advanced extraterrestrial race is to simply wait and see, and plan nothing at all. This approach is favored for its lack of required effort and forethought, and likely will be the agreed-upon global response. What could go wrong?