Everyone see what I did there? Alternative titles included, “Beer and Bloating” and “Sneers and Gloating,” both of which, while completely apropos, didn’t quite roll of the tongue the way I wanted them to.

So we press on. SHOT show 2015! For those of you who aren’t familiar, this is the Shooting, Hunting, and Outdoor Trade show. It has become one of the largest weapons and related-gear shows in the world, with over 65,000 invite-only attendees gather for 4 days to check out the latest and greatest in death-dealing technology.

I had never gone before, but had heard stories. So I reluctantly bade goodbye to the local filthy hippies down at the seawall of my beloved San Diego beach community, and made the trek across the desert to Las Vegas.

Las Vegas! There really is no place like it. As soon as you crest that last hill leading up to the town, you can smell the desperation and greed wafting through the air like a thick smog. You can hear the cacophony of voices: the meth dealers,  the haggard bottle servers, the degenerate gamblers at the sports book at 10 AM on a weekday; the hustlers in cheap suits and expensive shoes. A great, glorious, bubbling caldron of wretchedness!

My first stop was to meet up with a few of my old contracting buddies at the Luxor hotel. As soon as I walked through those glass doors, 2 things hit me. One was the stench of many years’ worth of stale cigarette smoke. I’m not sure what they are using to clean their carpets there, but they need to find something stronger. The second was the almost tropical atmosphere. I mean, it was probably only about 55 degrees outside, and it had to be 90 inside. My God, Luxor, mix in some AC for chrissakes.

Nevertheless, it was good seeing some of the old overseas crew again. We were forced to retreat when some ne’er-do-wells decided to start chucking large amounts of ice cubes over the railing of an upper floor down to where we were sitting. That’s the problem with Vegas: All the scumbags gravitate there, like roaches piling onto dog vomit. Long gone are the days when everyone wore ties in the Vegas casino. Hell, you’re lucky if they’re wearing pants.

The next day, Tuesday, was Day One of SHOT. I don’t think anything can prepare you for just how massive this convention is. I was blown away by looking down one of the aisles, and barely being able to make out the far wall.  Then, I realized that this was only one room, on one level! There was still an entire floor to this monstrosity.

I didn’t really bother taking pictures of all of the AR platform rifles. There where more of those at the show than calories in a typical Michael Moore breakfast, which is to say, a metric fuckton. Not to mention that there has already been extensive coverage of those weopons. There were, however, a few things that caught my eye. To the photo album!