Too Many Wives

How many wives is too many? All but the most sporting of men might say that sometimes one is too many. How many wives can a man truly love and really take care of? How many children can he truly love and care for? If you live in the U.S., the culture and legislation strongly suggest the answer to the question of the number of wives is, and shall remain, one at a time.

I’m a human-traffic hunter, or at least I have fancied myself to be such over the past several years. In the course of my work, I’ve become aware of a group that doesn’t share that widely held perspective on polygamy. In fact, I’d go so far as to say they’re a mob of ghoulish folk barricading themselves behind a religious pretense in order to practice their aberrant lifestyle in an area known as Short Creek AZ/UT, otherwise simply known as “the Crik.”

“But polygamy is against the law in the U.S.” I even said so myself. Yes, polygamy is illegal, and yes the Crik crowd is doing it anyway, because screw the U.S. and its oppressive laws. They will do exactly as they please and will not stand for religious persecution. The culture there was established by the self-proclaimed “prophet” Warren Steed Jeffs.

Short Creek, “the Crik,” is actually a settlement that overlaps at the borders of Arizona and Utah.

Oh, him? Yeah, he was arrested by the FBI for charges that spelled out the rape of underage children. Jeffs was sensible enough to rape his 12-year-old “wife” and record it all. He was even so kind as to keep those recordings in a safe where nooobody would eeever find them. Jeffs had more than 80 “wives” ranging in age from 12 to older than 65.

Prosecution: “Mr. Jeffs, what would you say it would do to your plea of innocence if the prosecution pulled out and played for the jury the tapes that you made of yourself having sex with a 12-year-old girl?”

Defense: “Well…I’d say you have a…pretty compelling point there.”

Women of the Crik as they typically appear, clad in prairie dresses, usually in pastel colors, sporting “Plyg-doo” hairstyles approved by the “church.”

False Prophet

A self-proclaimed prophet? Hell yeah! I wanna be one of those too. I wanna walk around all day declaring stupid shit in the name of God. My first stop will be Taco Bell: I’ll waltz in there and tell them I’m a prophet and God communicates through me, and right now, God is a mite peckish for some quesadillas de pollo and a large Dr. Pepper.

Hiding behind religion—we all know about it. It’s been in all the papers. Peeps have been making billions of dollars off of the very practice since the dawn of man. The only older profession is prostitution, but when I consider folks who will do anything for money, I see the two practices as fundamentally identical.

The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the FLDS, is the name of the offshoot splinter organization that broke away from the mainstream Mormon Church of Latter Day Saints in 1890, when they decided they didn’t want to give up polygamy. The mainstream church proceeded to settle largely around the Salt Lake City, Utah area, though there is a pocket of FLDS in the city. They’re the Kingston family. They call themselves The Order and are every bit as deplorable as their Crik counterparts.

To this day, the cult of the Crik do not court each other in search of spousal compatibility. Men are assigned wives by the bishops of the “church” based on the simple criteria of how cool these dudes are in the eyes of the bishops and how willing they are to buy into the bishops’ skewed ideals. A cool dude will get a wife, a cooler dude will get more wives and the coolest dude of all? Well, he gets the most wives.

Wives are assigned to men many years—even decades—their senior. Some are as young as 14 years of age, but that is just an approximation: Those younger than 14 are still fair game. The wives are, at that point, obligated to have as many children as soon as possible, and to just keep them coming. The “church” will let them know when to stop.

Big families are encouraged to buoy the influence of the “church.” Children are also handed out and passed around like party favors.

No Records of Birth

FLDS children don’t get officially registered with the state. No records of live birth are kept. Children are given away like fruitcakes during the Christmas season. Children are assigned to other families or are shipped off from the Crik to…to where? How many have I discovered that turn up in pedophilia rings and human trafficking situations?

Where in the name of God are the children? They are being trafficked to pedophiles in the name of God. Is this a great country or what? We are free to establish and crank up puppy mills—but with human children. Let’s kick open the hearth on that boiler and shovel in coal as fast as we can until we pass out. It will all be worth it when the prophets (pun intended) come rolling in.

This is all too outrageous to actually believe. Nothing of the sort could happen right here in this country, right? It’s all a lie, a great, big, humongous lie!

Oh, but it’s also been documented in Sam Brower’s book “Prophet’s Prey,” and John Krakauer’s “Under the Banner of Heaven.”

Now, if that’s a fact, tell me, am I lying?

By almighty God and with honor,
Geo sends

Dedication for this work goes to Mr. Sam Brower, author of “Prophet’s Prey”

Photos courtesy of Wikipedia Commons and Getty Images

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