This announcement comes on the heels of another release from the Kremlin’s press office. The Kremlin’s press office happily reassured the Russian people that the slowdowns caused by the pandemic are but a petty inconvenience to Putin’s mandate to govern the Motherland until the day of reckoning. This is fortunately demonstrated by Putin’s recent bid to modify the Russian Constitution and remain in power until (at least) 2075.

“We assure the Russian people — and our concerned friends around the world — that Mr. Putin’s glorious infallibility guarantees him the ability to resist all attempts made by Western governments to impose temporal restrictions on his universal dominion over the passage of time. Such actions are intolerable and unbecoming of the civilized world order in which we find ourselves.”

As the Coronavirus ravages nations from the east to the west, Russia watchers have expressed relief knowing that Russian president Vladimir Putin is here to stay — thereby granting a measure of stability and predictability in a world that currently thirsts for it.

Thanks for listening.

Disclaimer: This was a satirical article.