A trove of Kremlin documents proving Russian president Vladimir Putin’s immortality leaks. It brings a sigh of relief to the global movement fearing the Coronavirus’s impact on Russia’s ability to disrupt Ukraine’s sovereignty for all eternity.

Russian Interior Ministry spokesman Vladimirovich Putinov led a rare public town hall gathering in the Donetsk People’s Republic in eastern Ukraine this past Friday. His purpose was to assuage the concerns of locals that the current coronavirus restrictions would impact Putin’s ability to project volatility and uncertainty into the region until the very end of time.

“These papers, while I can neither confirm nor deny their source, do serve as a potent reminder that Vladimir Putin cannot be stopped by a pandemic, or by the disinformation attacks suggesting that Mr. Putin is somehow beholden to the universal and human time-space continuum propagated by the western media’s fake news.”