Buckle up, everybody. We have entered full-on presidential primary season, and the crap is being wheelbarrowed in at such a high rate of speed, we will need a shovel and some waders to make our way out. It feels like we have been strapped into the “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride at Disney World, and we are just rounding the corner and starting to hear the “yo ho, yo ho” song as the pirates torch the town. In this tortured metaphor, the town is America, we the people are the suffering townsfolk, and the politicians are the pirates, pillaging from us all of our sanity.
We here at SOFREP empathize with the feeling of being overwhelmed by the constant politicking, and having to sort through all the day’s political twists and turns. We have therefore decided to afford you, the readers, a recap of the week’s developments in the presidential race to help you keep abreast of the situation and avoid drowning in a sea of stupidity. In other words, we will attempt to sort fact from fiction, make plenty of smart-alecky remarks along the way, and generally report and opine on the political news of the week.
Biden: In or out?
First up, the VP. If you believe reports, Vice President Joe Biden has locked up the firefighter union vote, and is hours away from declaring his intention to run, or not. Ol’ Joey Delaware, Joey Everyman, Joe the Sidekick, Fightin’ Joey B., is playing this cagey as f–k. He is strumming the media like a cheap guitar, and teasing us all so that we can barely contain ourselves with anticipation. Well played, Mr. Vice President. When he does finally decide whether or not to run, it will be covered and analyzed ad nauseam, to the chagrin of one Mrs. H.R. Clinton. Depending on how former Secretary Clinton’s testimony before the Benghazi Committee plays out—not to mention the FBI investigation into her private email server—Ol’ Joey Amtrak has a fighting chance of taking the prize.
Webb the Independent
Staying on the Democrat side of the aisle, in what seems like an obvious and logical political move, presidential candidate and former badass Marine, senator, novelist, screenwriter, and Secretary of the Navy, Jim Webb, has ditched the Democratic Party and is possibly opting to run for president as an Independent. Webb is one of those increasingly rare Washington creatures, a centrist, with views not easily categorized in an ideological spreadsheet. Frankly, if any election was going to be potentially ripe for an Independent presidential run, this would be the one. Stand back, and imagine a Sanders vs. Trump election, if you will. Yeah, Webb will have my vote there.
George W. Bush vs. Ted Cruz
Ding ding. In this corner, weighing in at ‘lots of political baggage,’ former president, master of strategery, and watercolor Renaissance Man, George W. Bush! Annnnnd, in this corner, at a heaping 185 pounds of smarmy lawyer, Cuban-American, uber-Conservative and hurtful besmircher of fellow senators, Ted Cruz! Things are heating up amongst the Texas contingent of Republicans as former President George W. Bush has called out Ted Cruz for his conveniently cozying up to Donald Trump, telling donors, “I just don’t like that guy.” Cruz, in a rare show of restraint against a fellow Republican, has declined to respond in kind. No doubt he’s enjoying the boost in his political fortunes that being called out by W. is sure to bring him from that contingent of the right that places the former president just behind the current one on its “worst presidents” list.
Jeb Bush vs. Donald Trump
In more Bush family combat, “Jeb!” Bush has launched a counterattack against Donald Trump for the latter’s claim that George W. Bush deserved the blame for 9/11, given that it happened on his watch. In what this author, anyway, sees as a smart political move, Jeb! is hitting back when his own flesh and blood is attacked. Call me crazy, but I sense a W. revival is just around the corner. It is only a matter of time before the former president begins to be rightly seen as the one who constructed the architecture for the War on Terror post-9/11, which has been an unqualified success at decimating al-Qa’ida and keeping America safe. You heard it here first!
Larry David: Best Bernie Sanders impression ever
Not since Will Ferrell as W., Tina Fey as Palin, and Dana Carvey as George H.W. Bush, have we seen such a stellar political impression on “Saturday Night Live.” Larry David killed it as the Vermont-based democratic socialist. I would personally love to see Jimmy Fallon’s Trump debate Larry David’s Bernie Sanders in a mock presidential debate, right before I vote for Jim Webb (see above). That would be some high comedy, you must admit.
Where are you, John Kasich?
Finally, in what is sure to be a recurring feature of this weekly recap of the election race, I would simply like to ask here and now: Where the hell is John Kasich? If anyone in the media has seen him, or heard any reports about him, please forward to me @soffru1 on Twitter. That is all.