Military Humor- "I'm puking up as far as any man here is!"

The Barrel

Wooden barrel with a hole (Photo by Ellienore Bradley via Unsplash)

A sailor reports aboard a frigate for his first at-sea assignment. The captain offers to show him around the ship. When they are done, the young sailor says,

“Captain, this is a fine ship. I’ve seen the galley, the mess, the berths, and sickbay, so I see the navy takes good care of its men, but what do we do about our sexual urges on these long deployments at sea?”

The captain smiles and says,

“Come on. I’ll show you.”

He leads the sailor to the forward anchor compartment and points to a large wooden barrel,

“You see that barrel over there with the hole in it? Go stick your d*ck in it. It’s the best sex you will ever have. I’ll give you some privacy and wait for you outside.”

After about 20 minutes, the young sailor emerges with a big smile on his face,

“You weren’t kidding, captain. That was the best sex ever! I could do that every day.”

The captain takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and looks at it carefully,

“You can do it every day except for Thursdays.”

The sailor asks,

“Why not Thursdays, sir?”

The captain smiles,

“Because that’s your day in the barrel, son.”

At The Railing

A navy ship leaves port with its crew after an extended stay in drydock. It isn’t far out to sea before a storm closes in and waves rise to incredible heights. Soon sailors line the railings, all throwing up over the side with seasickness. One of the sailors who isn’t sick comes up on deck and see’s his best friend vomiting like crazy,

“Tommie, I’ve known you for years. I had no idea you had such a weak stomach.”

Tommie is green but manages to croak out,

“Weak stomach? Hell! I’m puking up as far as any man here is!”

Who Dares Laugh?

U.S. Marine Corps enlistees from Recruiting Substation Chandler, Ariz., maintain their bodies in the push-up position during a physical training exercise at the Arrowhead Meadows Park in Chandler, Ariz., Jan. 23, 2013. Four Marine Corps Drill Instructors from Marine Corps Recruit Depots San Diego and Parris Island, S.C., instructed the training and are visiting the Phoenix region through Jan. 26 to provide enlistees and potential applicants a first-hand preview of what they may be able to expect once they step onto the yellow footprints. (Official U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Tyler J. Bolken)

A Marine Corps Drill Instructor had just finished giving the recruits in his care a real scorching for some infraction they had committed during training. For ten minutes, they stood in the pouring rain of Paris Island as he blasted them verbally. He then turned away to leave and slipped on the wet mud, and fell flat on his face.

The recruits all roared with laughter.

The DI immediately leaped to his feet and spun around to face them again,

“WHO DARED LAUGH AT ME WHEN I FELL? SOUND OFF!”

There was an agonizing moment of silence, and then a recruit yelled, “I DID DRILL INSTRUCTOR!” followed by another and then another until about 10 out of the 80 recruits admitted to laughing.

The mud-smeared DI smiled wickedly at them and said, “Get on your faces and give me 50 push-ups laughing at me RIGHT NOW!”

The recruits instantly dropped to the ground and began grunting them out.

The DI then glowered at the 70 others and said,

“AND THE REST OF YOU CAN GET ON YOUR FACES AND GIVE ME 100 PUSH-UPS FOR LYING!”

Steel Nerves

During his famous drive into Germany, General Patton was touring the front and came upon a lone soldier up on a telegraph pole stringing communications wire as mortar rounds exploded all around him. Patton was greatly impressed by this brave young dogface as he calmly disregarded the danger he was exposed to up on that pole.

Patton waited until a lull in the firing occurred, left his command vehicle, and walked up to the soldier still stringing wire,

“Son, don’t all those mortar rounds landing make you nervous?” he yelled up to the private.

“No, sir,” he replied while continuing to work, “But you sure do.”