As America waited breathlessly for the much anticipated new uniforms for the United States Space Force, the Twitterati were hard at work on social media. Everyone had different uniforms all picked out. 

Of course, the Star Trek and Star Wars uniforms for the Empire (the Resistance looked like a bunch of rag-tag dirtbags) were the favorites as they both have huge followings on social media, on television, and in the theater. But the command of the Space Force opted for none of those things, they went with (gasp!), current camouflage uniform worn by the Air Force and Army. 

 The world of social media trolls was outraged. How dare they opt for something so boring. So, unoriginal, so fucking earthbound. Don’t they know that despite that 10th-grade education, Google makes instant aholes…err experts of us all, and yes, as a matter of fact, I DID stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night!  

C’mon, are we going to play Space Force Infantry on Mars? Even still, our current camo uniforms will stand out, besides the fact that big bulbous helmets reflect the light too much and are totally uncool. Nope, that has to go. 

Personally, when I was younger I loved the Star Trek uniforms, especially the tight mini-skirt on Yeoman Janice Rand in the original series. But that would not be permitted in the Space Force of today, it would definitely fall under the umbrella of that dreaded toxic masculinity (TM).

The Star Trek uniforms were sharp in the 1960s but two things are wrong with them today. First, where the hell are all the pockets? Not that we’re going to use them but you damn sure ain’t no operator unless you got those shoulder pockets. Maybe UnderArmour can come up with a fitted Star Trek red blouse with a shoulder pocket where the Space  Force logo patch would go. Hmmm.

But the other issue with those Star Trek uniforms is the people wearing them. Americans are generally much fatter than our brethren of 50 years ago. Those uniforms would only accentuate the rolls on some of our rotund members of the service. Can you imagine what those “Stolen Valor” idiots would look like strutting through the mall in Washington complete with the Medal of Bravery that Leia gave Luke and Han? Nope, those are out. 

Ripley was a badass but her uniform? meh…

I’ve also been a fan of Ripley’s space uni, that was unzipped much too far, but hey, who’s going to report her? The alien xenomorph? Okay, we’re once again treading into the realm of TM again. Besides, her flight uniform looks too much like the OD flight suits that pilots wore in 1979. What a coincidence. Nope, scratch that. 

The uniforms worn by the Mobile Infantry in Starship Troopers were pretty cool looking, but once Doogie Howser came out in his senior officer’s dress, it reminded me a bit too much of a certain chicken farmer who became the head of one of the most criminally prosecuted organizations in the 20th century. 

These uniforms would set the tongues wagging at the Pentagon.

Nope, the Space Force has to go with the latest “Lost in Space” uniforms. Imagine General John Raymond, the new Chief of Space Operations walking into Congress to testify before the Armed Services Committee looking like a member of the Robinson family’s 24th Colonist Group. 

So, yes, the United States Space Force uniform is kind of boring, and it was meant to be. “Members will look like their joint counterparts [that] they’ll be working with, on the ground,” the unit said to the Twitterati. 

But eventually, they’ll earn their pay…and the VA is going to have all sorts of new claims to wade through. 

The first claim for the Space Force at the VA… “Can you document your injury?”

Yes, the sarcasm runs deep around here on weekends…