VelociPastor features a confused rampaging priest who can transform into a killing dinosaur (sometimes only partially), ninjas, unlicensed punk music, fighting prostitutes, and a lotta killin’?!

Sold to the 38 in the back!

Someone, please turn this poster into an NFT we can auction off on SOFREP!

Man of the cloth (uh em…Claw).

VelociPastor has all the key components of an Oscar-worthy cult film. My only regret is that this movie wasn’t out when I was on cruise, or later, on deployments with SEAL Team Three. Had to come along for me in the “demic.”

ENTERTAINMENT WARNING: Do you know that most, if not ALL, of big Hollywood studios are afraid to do anything that would put China in a negative light? A source close to SOFREP told me directly, “We can’t touch China. It’s off-limits. They have too much money in Hollywood.”

Wow. You kidding me? Apparently not.

Shows you the power of the almighty dollar and why the fat cats of Hollyweird elite are going to lose more market share to the young creators of the world outside of the 92007. But, before I slip into LA rush hour traffic and choke on the CA smog… onto my review.

The VelociPastor Ditches Out the Pain

A high-octane fighting scene from VelociPastor.

First, this movie is worth watching for the one-liners alone. A few of VelociPastor’s gems include:

  • “Father Stewart, what if I told you I was different?”  –  “You’re not that different. There are plenty of men like that in the church.” A scary but true statement.
  • “Yo, Jerry, if you stuffed dicks in your mouth like you do that sandwich, I’d be a fucking millionaire by now!” Reminds me of my friend on deployment that said, “This would be much more fun if we were all gay men.”
  • “Touch not, thy sinning hands, Jezebel!” Creepy as it gets.
  • “You think I like turning tricks for college? There’s surprisingly low demand for hooker doctor lawyers.”No comment
  • “I don’t know much about God.”  –  “I don’t know much about dinosaurs.”Sounds about right.
  • “Now the hounds of hell are truly loose. What have I done?” Reminds me of that Boston Catholic movie, Spotlight?

It’s a Five-star review from this guy. Enjoy this unique and whacky movie that’s sure to make you laugh and let me know what you think below in the comments.

We’ll have more movie reviews coming up at SOFREP and what better place to start than with this gem of creativity in a world of entertainment that’s afraid of its own shadow these days. Hope you enjoy it with a salty bag of popcorn and an IPA.

You can buy or rent VelociPastor here.

The Oh-so-beautiful Trailer