It’s been a hell of a year.
The News Roundup first started in March, so here’s a quick snapshot of what we’ve hit, by month, since then.
The beginning of the Roundup, where I covered my own personal muse, Bowe Freaking Bergdahl. We also talked about my good buddy’s company, the Pipe Hitter’s Union, and his cover-boy model that all of our female SOFREP readers were drooling over. This was also the first of our many, many bumbling jihadi stories. Not knowing that, months later, I could have been describing the “vetting” of San Bernardino shooter Tashfeen Malik, I wrote this, describing how easy it would be to “vet” these guys:
“Hasan, good morning. Nice day out, isn’t it?”
“Good morning, it is indeed a nice day.”
“Any plans to join the Islamic State?”
PJ Mike Maroney sought to find the child who he had rescued during Hurricane Katrina 10 years before. (He later found her.) Two bad bitches were caught conspiring jihad, we covered that weird shooting story involving Navy SEAL Christopher Heben when he was found not guilty of lying (COUGH guilty COUGH), and there was more “vetting” of “moderate” Syrian rebels by our Special Forces brothers:
Vetting Syrian rebels? How are you going to do that, exactly?
SF guy: “So, Ahmed…do you hate the infidels?”
Syrian terrorist moderate rebel: “Maybe?”
SF guy: “OK, you’re in. Here’s a million dollars.”
Tsarnaev was guilty as shit, so said the verdicts. Our delicate college garbage babies couldn’t handle the movie, “American Sniper.” A nutty judge in California decided to show lenience to a guy who raped a three-year-old girl, and Governor Jerry Brown wanted to monitor your shower use.
Blackwater contractors were found guilty in a ridiculous miscarriage of justice, and face decades in prison. The Army Ranger women hype kicked off in earnest, with hand-picked extraordinary women coached for months on how to pass the course. A Japanese game show gave contestants hand jobs while they sang. My friend Scott Gearon, former JSOC PJ, recalled the time he almost died from a free-fall accident, until the SEALS he was jumping with punched a hole in his throat. Our combat controller brothers made us proud by raining hate while sucking on Fentanyl lollipops.
I lost my goddamn MIND over the embarrassment of that ROTC bunch wearing high heels in their military uniforms. The Air Force started talking about how they’re ready to lower standards to ensure we have vaginas in the PJ/combat controller fields. Valdosta went crazy fighting over the American flag, American kids are too fat to enlist in the military, and I crucified Orange County, California, for their RIDICULOUS train station. Oh, and OBL shooter Rob O’Neill charged 50K for the opportunity to shoot and hang out with him.
It kicked off with a bang thanks to the Baltimore Riots. A CNN reporter blamed the riots on too many mentally deranged veterans coming home to be police. Two Navy SEALS drowned in pool training, and we lost a paratrooper to a training jump. Fat chicks hated flyers of hot chicks, a paratrooper took a selfie with his goldfish while under canopy, and it was the 40th anniversary of the fall of Saigon.
Jihadis made the terrible decision to attempt jihad in Texas, and were promptly sent to Allah by a cop and his six-shooter. A combat controller was awarded the Air Force Cross. America’s oldest veteran turned 109 while smoking cigars and drinking whiskey constantly. USA today ran its 145,765th story about too many white people in the military.
The military, even while in the midst of enormous drawdowns, wanted to give illegal immigrants the right to join military. (It was later shot down.) A Marine Corps helicopter went missing in Nepal and was later found with all souls lost. Tsarnaev was given the death penalty, and the NFL was busted for charging the military for all of those phony-baloney “tributes to the troops,” spectacles they were putting on the field.
On Memorial Day, I remembered my friend and former PJ Tim Ryan. The DOD talked about how great they were doing against ISIS, which promptly overran Ramadi. Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyer broke off his engagement to Bristol Palin, there was that crazy biker shootout in Waco, Texas, and an off-duty Army captain rescued a couple from a burning car.
Homegrown terrorists were arrested at LAX for conspiring to travel to Syria to join the jihad. An elite, U.S.-trained military leader went and joined the Islamic State. The fallout from the Baltimore riots continued, with the residents whining that someone should come in and clean up the disaster they created. I found the perfect example of the male Hillary Clinton supporter, a swanky NYC hotel kicked out a uniformed member of the armed services, and a nude Florida guru was arrested.
The world lost its mind when Caitlyn Jenner was born. We explored what it all meant, and where humanity was headed. NASA proposed replacing the American flag on its uniforms with a stupid “international” flag. Navy submariners were busted filming chicks showering, and the Army decided to stop paying a war hero because he was under investigation.
A renowned military trauma doctor was investigated for inappropriate actions with students. We examined the use of live-tissue animal models and their benefit in trauma training. There was that white chick, Rachel Dolezal, who told everyone she was a black chick. A guy shot himself in the foot because he wanted to see what it felt like, a guy stole valor in prison, and the media went after Marco Rubio because he had a small boat.
The Charleston church shooting riveted a nation, and the media immediately blamed every white person it could. Some guy stole pretty much all the valor that can be stolen. The Office of Personnel Management tried to explain how it really wasn’t their fault that Chinese hackers stole the information of thousands of government workers, including me. That one guy who was caught beating it to kiddie porn on a military base was sentenced, and an Iraqi village banned political discussion because they all wanted to get along.
The media continued its hysterical Confederate-flag crusade, calling for anyone with a Confederate flag to be shot on sight. The Supreme Court legalized gay marriage throughout the United States, to the consternation of many gay guys who really didn’t want to be tied down. A Navy vet was beaten at a trolley station in San Diego, and the whole thing was caught on tape. The Iraqi military pondered whether or not it should even exist, while an Iraqi pilot crashed an F-16 while training in Arizona.
While we celebrated Independence Day, I contemplated the eroding of freedoms around the globe, and wondered where it would lead. An Army NCO decided to walk into a mall with his rifle, scaring the shit out of everyone there. The Army finally killed the 750 million-dollar boondoggle project, the “Human Terrain System,” after abject failure, and Chelsea Clinton emerged as the world’s most boring public speaker.
San Francisco’s sanctuary city policies lead to the shooting death of American Kate Steinle, resulting in a rage-rant about our STUPID immigration policies. The army moved to enact huge troop cuts. Some psycho walked up to a woman in Hollywood, California, and shot her in the back of the head with a shotgun. A Navy pilot tried to sell secrets to the ChiComs, a female Marine officer was relived of command for holding female Marines accountable, and the proud winner of our “mugshot of the year” was arrested for beating her boyfriend. Because he wouldn’t sex her up. Look at that face. WOOF.
In response to the Chattanooga recruiting station shootings, armed civilians decided to start showing up to do patrols. I gently suggested this might not be a good idea, and got killed. A New York writer described how he was a great feminist for letting his wife get plowed on the reg by some guy named Paulo. Hillary Clinton denied she had any classified emails on her private server (later proven to be a lie), and our worthless government decided that, darn it, we can’t stop these sanctuary city policies.
The Marine Corps’ “Silkies March” is a huge hit with the ladies. The feds nailed another inept Islamist. Holy crap, Cecil the goddamn lion becomes a thing, because Americans are dumb and don’t know that, in Africa, lions will gladly eat your face off. Rio de Janeiro is found to be filled with poop, right in time for the upcoming 2016 Olympics. A highly decorated Vietnam Marine was outed as the voice of “Bambi,” when he was young. An Air Force NCO saved a couple of women from drowning in a canal, and an 81-year-old man was arrested for having sex with a bush. Yes, a plant, not the former presidential family.
Two airmen were lost to a fatal parachute jump. Former NFL player Glen Coffee enlisted in the Army and contemplated Ranger School. I live-Tweeted the first GOP debate. Air Force chaplain and rabbi won the right to wear his beard in uniform. The results are mixed. A Colorado jury refused to give theater shooter and nutcase James Holmes the death penalty, giving him life in prison. (THANKS FOR THAT.) Also, an ex-carnival worker was arrested when he accidentally butt-dialed a friend while having sex with his dog. Hey, I just report this shit. Follow me on Twitter and stay up to date on the important things:
#HorribleWaysToStartAStory "As a trans biracial marxist womyn I loathed the white cisgender heteronormative ableist patriarchal society…"
— BK (@BKactual) September 16, 2015
I salute the paratrooper, on the 75th anniversary of the formation of the airborne units, with memories of Airborne school at Fort Benning, Georgia. Master Sergeant Andrew McKenna was nominated for a posthumous Silver Star. A group of Army Rangers got struck by lightning, and the Army pondered what to do with hundreds of feral horses wandering around on its bases. The Navy formally eliminated cloaks and tiaras from uniform regs, and five Somali pirates received a lifetime of free food and health care when a U.S. court gave them life in an American prison instead of just dumping them over the side of the boat.
Three Americans beat the shit out of a would-be Islamist shooter on a train in France, making all of us over here extremely proud. The first female graduates made it through Ranger School. Whatever my misgivings on women in special operations, it remains a great accomplishment. Hillary Clinton was told she violated government policy by a judge. There are, of course, no consequences. We showed the video of the 108-pound Turkish getup kettle bell challenge, cops roughed up a retired four-star general, and a Navy sailor base-jumped from the Coronado bridge in San Diego.
The USAF community suffered a devastating loss as two combat controllers were killed in a blue-on-blue incident in Afghanistan. The first African-American general in the USMC, Frank Peterson, passed away. That crazy former reporter, Vester Lee Flanagan, killed a reporter and her cameraman while they were recording live. Amnesty fanatic Jorge Ramos got into it with Donald Trump, and Bernie Sanders was revealed to be the giant pussy we all knew he was when he defended Hillary Clinton during the first Democratic debate.
West Point has a huge pillow fight, and the Army goes insane. A militant gay man did his best to ruin a respected chaplain’s military career. Thankfully, he failed. The Navy blew 700 million on a mine-hunting system that was a piece of shit. Department of Defense laboratories can’t seem to stop shipping anthrax, a Navy chief gets nabbed for child porn, and a Bolivian Air Force captain gets caught trying to smuggle 800 pounds of the Devil’s Dandruff. (That’s cocaine, baby.)
An exhaustive, nine-month study by the USMC examining the performance of female infantry Marines, is released, which the SecDef promptly dismisses out of hand, since he is just a White-House toady. We went deep inside the report and dug out the pertinent details. I repeatedly hammer Germany for its suicidal immigration/refugee policies. Breastfeeding Army moms take a stand, a British Army captain is accused of raping a woman while his fiancee sleeps in the next room, and a Santa Monica man who swings on the cops gets a taste of the 40 mike-mike sponge to the chest.
An Army Special Forces captain was in a fatal parachute accident in Washington. We find out that after spending millions envisioning a Syrian rebel force of 5,000, the DoD has produced…FIVE. A cute, injured little bird is rescued, nursed back to health, and released back into the wild. It promptly flies right into a plate-glass window, all caught by hilarious video. The Air Force strips pilots of their wings over text messages they made quoting Miley Cyrus, because the Air Force leadership is dumb and out of touch. Obama appoints openly gay man to be secretary of the Army, a general rushes to Bowe Bergdahl’s defense, and a former “Star Trek” actress is arrested for exposing herself to children.
The extent of how far America went in shielding Afghan child rapists is brought to light, and I went ballistic. My friend Howard, former Marine and State Department special agent, battled cancer. Ahmed the goddamn clock boy made his first appearance. It’s funny, now, after we’ve all seen his grifter family in action, reading all the accolades he got from all of the “smart” people. I saw through that bullshit from the beginning. The Pope addressed a joint session of Congress, and promptly caused us all to fall asleep. Worst. Speaker. Ever. Germany continues melting down, former Navy gunner’s mate Yogi Berra passes away, and I discover the epic British Army position of “assault pioneer,” who get to have full beards, wield axes, and wear leather aprons.
We covered the Oregon Community College shooting and the heroic attempts of army veteran Chris Mintz to foil the attack. The USAF had a C-130 go down in Afghanistan, killing six airmen and five civilians. Russia started bombing the shit out of Syria, and we shared that viral video of the sorority girls in the stands of a baseball game taking a bazillion selfies. Also, the Afghan military was routed by the Taliban in Kunduz, and a man with a terribly shaped head fought the cops with a stick.
I crushed the Veteran’s Administration (again) for wasting millions of dollars on stupid “art” instead of taking care of their veterans. I even provided them with some free “art” that I created myself. The Pentagon decided that they had enough of the disastrous Syrian training program that yielded five guys, and pulled the plug. A Navy veteran had his skull bashed to pieces by a gigantic pine cone, and I discussed ISIS’s infatuation with Toyota trucks—an infatuation that I share. Former PJ Jimmy Petrolia gets ready for a record-breaking wingsuit jump, a morbidly obese man is also morbidly an asshole, and a former pageant queen gets some jail time for sending a Marine naked pictures of a four-year-old relative. Nice.
There was also this very special edition of the News Roundup, where I remember friend and former PJ colleague, Nathan Schmidt. Nathan lost his life in an off-duty parachuting accident. I shared some great pictures of Nathan, as well as a letter that a Marine wrote after Nathan saved his life in Afghanistan. He was a great guy and will be missed always. RIP, Nate.
While wrapping up October, we got word that an Army Delta operator, Master Sergeant Joshua Wheeler, was the first casualty in the war against ISIS. He was killed conducting operations with the Kurdish Peshmerga in Iraq. USAF PJ Jeremy Maddamma attempted a return to active duty after his leg was amputated due to a gunshot wound in Afghanistan. Hillary Clinton testified in front of Congress for an eternity, with a breathless media dubbing her ability to lie repeatedly on camera, “presidential.” A fake SEAL got busted on video, and a man impersonating an Army Delta soldier tried to get kids to give him, um, certain bodily fluids. What? You think I make this shit up?
The United States went crazy debating a cop that went medieval on a kid in a South Carolina classroom. I argued that he shouldn’t have been fired, to much consternation. President Obama openly says he is sending SOF to Syria, thereby breaking his pledge of “no boots on the ground.” The Canadian military hired gender advisors for its military, for some reason. I lost my patience with one special snowflake, who demanded his passport be stripped of his gender identifier (he’s “intersex), and another who is an Amish guy who wants to buy a gun but won’t get a freaking ID because he can’t have his picture taken. Also, a not-terrible-looking chick was filmed stripping down at a Johnny Rocket’s in Florida while patrons squirted her with ketchup and yelled out, “WORLD STAR,” because of course they did.
I busted Ben Carson’s balls for claiming he got accepted to West Point. Yes, I know he could have gotten in, but the fact was he didn’t APPLY AND WAS NOT ACCEPTED, people. Christ, I got it from the commenters about that one. A USAF airman faces 130 years in prison by a zealous prosecutor for what was, essentially, flirting. A Palestinian mom pulled a knife on live TV, and you know we put that video up. The San Francisco voters did the first correct thing in about a hundred years and booted out that piece of crap, illegal-alien-murderer-enabling Sheriff Ross Mirkirimi. I discovered the worst euphemism for female genitalia I’d ever heard. A Muslim civilian engineer for the U.S. Navy was busted trying to sell nuke sub secrets, a very-much-alive veteran is told he is dead by the VA, and two men somehow end up completely nude while in a fistfight with each other.
Radical jihadis killed over 150 people in Paris, and I was pissed. That week’s News Roundup was solely devoted to the subject of why radical Islam is mankind’s cancer. I think that speaks for itself. Enough said. Oh, and I got threats of violence made against me by some Muslim guy on SOFREP’s Facebook page, so I must have hit a nerve. Heh.
There was still plenty of material the next week, though. I rampaged through the various dopey reactions to the Paris shootings. All of the usual hand-wringers in the media were busy a-hand-wringing. We covered what it all meant for Europe’s disastrous open-borders policy. A former Marine and Los Angeles police officer was shot to death as he sat in his car. A USMC vet broke a pull-up record by recording 5,862 pull-ups in 24 hours. Australian Army chaplains were forced to give up their 100-year-old insignia because it might be offensive to Muslims or something. The vaunted “smart-gun” technology is shown to still be worthless, and I discuss proper etiquette in choosing your cage-fighter ring entrance music.
Then it was the VA’s turn yet again, as we learned about the two executives who stole 400,000 dollars for “travel expenses,” and didn’t even get fired. Officer Garrett Swasey lost his life when a complete whack job shot up the Planned Parenthood in Colorado. It was revealed that there are over 100,000 non-deployable soldiers in the active duty, reserve, and National Guard Army forces. A colonel who blew the whistle on that Afghanistan natural-gas station boondoggle claimed he was being retaliated against. I loved that story. I even made a list of things Afghanistan needs before a natural-gas station:
1. No child anal rape
2. No Taliban
3. Clean water
1,545,437. A natural gas fuel station
The trial for a U.S. airman who attempted to join ISIS continued, a German man tried to finish his masturbation session even as the porn shop was catching on fire all around him, and the FBI revealed they were stretched to the limit trying to keep tabs on 48 ISIS suspects in the U.S., instead of just picking them up and dropping them off in Aleppo. Which would be my preference.
The big news happened right at the start of the month, when two radicalized Muslim terrorists killed a bunch of people having a Christmas party at the office, like the bitch cowards they are. Watching the politicalization of that investigation was nauseating, with Obama huddling with his cronies to discuss a PR strategy. The Pentagon continued it’s quixotic, foolhardy quest to get women into SOF teams by announcing all jobs would be open to women. The DoD spent 150 million in unnecessary tax dollars to house diplomats in private villas, because they couldn’t stay in icky base quarters. There were two good race hoaxes, some Palestinian kids were caught on tape trying to stab a security guard, and some firefighters came out of the grocery store to find a naked man in their fire truck.
Following up the San Bernardino attacks, Donald Trump said something about Muslim immigration, and the media went crazy. We tried to discuss it like logical adults. New technology is going to allow horribly wounded soldiers to receive a penis transplant, which is incredible. I had many questions, many of which were apparently beneath a New York Times reporter. One of the Guantanamo prisoners that we released is now the head of an al-Qaeda branch, so that’s great. His American lawyer, who pushed for him to be released, had said that he just wanted to resume a quiet life amongst his family. Thanks, jerk. Two Afghan pilots went missing while receiving flight training in Georgia. They have yet to be found. Oh, and Bowe Bergdahl compared himself to Jason Bourne.
Speaking of Bergdahl, the military, incredibly, chose to do the right thing and court-martial his ass. That’s how I’ll always remember Barack Obama: sitting in the Rose Garden looking uncomfortable as Bergdahl’s weirdo father chanted Afghan prayers in Pashto. A veteran was fired from the VA for being pissed off about their incompetence. Tracking point shows off incredible weapons that will change the face of warfare, turning untrained, nasty legs into lethal snipers. The USAF assures us that, why yes, we have SO MUCH INTEREST in female PJs/combat controllers. A homeless guy blended in with Special Forces at Fort Bragg for almost a year, the Air Force handed out lip balm laced with cannabis, and a guy with a gun was “actively masturbating” as police tazed him. Bravo, sir.
Whew. And now here we are. Here’s some juicy takeaways:
This one wasn’t even close. I was completely enraged by the New York Times story that came out describing how some of our special operations forces brothers were being forced out of the military for attacking some child-rapist Afghan “allies,” and I wrote a furious segment. I knew it was going to be big when I woke up from the far off time-zone I was in and saw that it had about five times the usual numbers after about an hour. It finished the day with well over 10 times the usual traffic for a 24-hour period. The important thing is that it was widely shared and read, so thank you for to everyone who did so.
The article featuring my friend, Pararescueman Nathan Schmidt, was shared well over 1,600 times on Facebook the last time I checked. I was honored to talk about Nathan, who passed away when a parachute jump went bad. Rest in peace, brother.
Most comments calling me an idiot
Well, this was a toss-up. My first choice would have to be when I talked about the good-intention people who were showing up at recruiting centers fully armed after a terrible shooting. As I took great pains to make clear, I admired the sentiment, but questioned the execution, and wisdom, of having John Q. Public wandering around in a strip mall parking lot with lots of small children armed to the teeth. Holy crap, did I get shit on for that one. I later felt vindicated when there were multiple reports of negligent discharges, but still.
I’ll just say that I found out the hard way that people really, really, REALLY love Dr. Ben Carson. I was giving him a little shit for his poorly worded claim of having been accepted to West Point. You would have thought I said the guy eats living babies and gets on his knees for Beezlebub from the reaction of the Facebook commenters. (I did not.)
All of that comes with the territory. From the beginning, the goal of the News Roundup has been twofold: to tell the stories of the men and women of the armed forces, and to tackle the controversial subjects that our pathetic existing media is too chickenshit to talk about. Hopefully, we’ve done that and more. It’s been a great honor to be able to write here, for all of you. Thank you so very much for reading, and thanks to Jack, Brandon, and Nate for reading through my rants and making sure the foam-flecked spittle that I’ve puked out onto the computer screen is at least somewhat readable.
No doubt there’s much more to come in 2016. Follow me on the Twitter @BKactual.
Happy 2016, everyone.