Geo’s News Roundup: Hitchhiker vs Truck, How To Buy a Porsche, Why, Karen, Why?

**Editor’s Note: CAUTION-Spirited Content Ahead: Woke readers and other easily offended types need proceed no further. The rest of you buckle up and enjoy the ride. — GDM

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Hitchhiker Hangs onto Tractor Trailer for Loser Life

Note: SOFREP does not endorse this technique for ride-hitching.

I’m not intentionally picking on Florida; Florida really just picks on itself. Far be it for me to single out any one state for humiliation, but it seems like that state has more per capita cooks and ingrates than the rest of the U.S. combined. How all those people ended up so messed up and in Florida… I mean, they weren’t that way when they all came over from France.

The reason I cringe to pick on Florida is that chances are someone is from there, and that someone could be one of our readers! Were it narrowed down to a single city, it would be Seattle or Minneapolis. On the other hand, were we to expand to the national scope of humiliation, there you have a no-brainer — Chiner! I sometimes wonder how my clothing line would sell in Florida…

The nutshell is that this bloody dude steps onto the highway, slows down the truck, jumps on it, hanging on like a madman, and then starts smashing the windshield with a metal object. The diver panics, speeds up, and starts swerving wildly trying to shake the lunatic off. That alone makes the video a worthy watch.

Another question that comes to mind rather quickly — beyond the obvious one — is what… what in the high-desert savannas of western Tarnation is that guy wearing?? Right? WTF? Something I wouldn’t wear to get up to pee in the middle of the night, even if I didn’t turn any lights on. My guess — and I surely am no expert — is that something went pear-shaped during an amorous engagement with a local iso-gendered gentry of incidental leisure. If Ice-G swung that way, he might then consider wearing those clothes.

Anyhoo, the (funded) State Troopers caught up to this… grotesque episode… and whisked the… gentleman… to the hospital for some industrial-scale welterweight evaluation. Actually, I’m sorry, but I’m taking the title “gentleman” back. Any fool who would jump on top of a tractor-trailer and smash out the window wearing that catch-me-phuq-me outfit is not a gentleman. If you’re sick-n-tired of assed-up people, raise your hand with me now and say: “I am”!

Mad world.

Punk Purchases Porsche with Pretended Profits

When we were kids, my brother and I once took some 4″ x 6″ rectangles of paper, colored them green, and wrote: “One Dollar” on them. We took our “dollars” to the Base Exchange and tried to buy a model airplane with them. We sailed through the exit airborne, never to be allowed to come back. But that was, like, 52 years ago. So how, then, should that same concept work today for a $142,000.00 Porsche and three gold Rolex watches? I feel you, dawg!

So this inflamed anal cyst, Casey William Kelly, made bogus checks, printed them with his SOHO printer, and bought the Porsche. OMG… none of us are ever going to get our checks to clear ever again! It’s precisely because of festering rectal fissures like Casey that we will soon enough be back to paying for things with chickens and glass beads.

The Porsche dealer should have been alerted since the check read: “Security First Trust and Federal Reserve of Casey.” I can hear the manager snapping at the salesman:

“Dad-blame it, Haskel… this is coming out of your paycheck!”

The salesman should have been tipped off when Casey took the car for a test drive and gave him an Arkansas State driver’s license. How do they say — this is why we can’t have nice things? Listen, the guy bought the car ok, but then the greedy gourmand decided he badly needed a gold Rolex. And then that he actually really needed three gold Rolex watches for his exquisite self. The watch dealer busted him.

This asshat’s vanity tractor has chains on its tires. He really feels like he deserves those things. He’s just sure that chicks dig Porches and men who wear three Rolexes at a time. He probably puts on three Polo shirts and pops all three collars.

Wealth and greed are a curious thing. If I have a billion dollars tomorrow I wouldn’t buy a single gold Rolex watch — I’m semi-retired; I don’t need a watch. And by the same token, I would not rush out and buy pairs and pairs of Docker slacks; my sweats with the holes in them support my endeavors just swimmingly. Greed… I’m just glad I don’t understand it.

As an aside, some of the men in my Green Beret unit used to purchase fake Rolex watches in Itaewon, Korea for just pennies on the dollar. That gave an occasional rise to the question:

“Hey, Mac… is that a real Rolex or a Lolex?” Aha.

World gone mad

Cringeworthy Karens Cry Krieg Crimes

What’s worse than a Karen? A whole pack of truculent Karens gathering to protest their perceived right to not wear a mask. This $hit again? Here’s how the liberal mind works: They were refused entrance to a grocery store because “they live in America” and “they have constitutional rights…” That crap again.

They are bellowing that since they are denied entrance to the store, they cannot feed their kids. Therefore, the store is committing child abuse. Wow. What’s more, they are declaring that the store is committing a war crime. How in the backwoods of Tarnation do they even connect those things together? Yeah, I’m pretty sure the Ukraine massacre at Babi Yar Kyiv was a war crime, and being denied access to the Piggly Wiggly is… well… not a war crime.

And holding up a sign: “My Body My Choice.”… wasn’t that an abortion slogan? Karens sure know how to ratchet up some drama, really squeeze every last drop of blood from a rock.

Speaking of Karens and maskholes, treat yourself to this video of this brother who literally made a CO2-driven pistol that successfully shoots a surgical mask on a face from over 10 feet away!

Ever been out in public and seen two people pissed off at each other, and then they just stand there videoing each other with their phone cams? What does that do? What does it mean? Why is that even a thing??

The world has gone mad.

Punk Plasters Penis with Pistol

Back in my day, we had licking toilet seats, and kids died from that. Why, then, shouldn’t we have busted a cap in one’s cock? These moronosaurus rexes don’t need to sire more jackasses anyway. To set the story straight, this inflamed boil on the buttock of the Earth was engaging in a fad whereby dudes (mostly) take photos of them pointing gats at their gonads and looking all gangsta.

This turd did it with a loaded gun, and “it went off,” punching right threw his scrotum. If one of y’all won’t say it, I will:

“I’ll bet he won’t have to balls to try that again.”

These people all think they deserve sympathy after the fact. He dashed to the hospital:

Turd: “Help me, help me… I’ve been shot in the scrotum!”

Doctor: “My God, that’s horrible — who did this to you??”

Turd: “I did; I shot myself in the scrotum taking a gangsta photo!”

Doctor: “Get the hell out of my hospital, you fool — go on, GET OUT!!”

World gone mad

OMG, the Chinese…

I have been searching and finally found a Chinese T-shirt that is both stupid and in Chinese. In the photo above, the brother sitting on the ground has the words “For Rent” printed on the back of his shit. It’s not that the guy is for rent; he’s just trying to be funky-fresh hip-hop cool OG American. Well, his shirt makes him look like a huhantic fool, and he does have the stupid part down cold, so… pretty American.

Meet Cock. This is Cock, a mother of two and housewife from Guang Dong, China. You just can’t make this sh*t up. Guang Dong…what are the odds?

“Well, girls… you must both be very proud of Cock!”

“Yes, we all love Cock very dearly at our house.”

It’s all well and good, as the father is a big pussy anyway; at least, he was when he came over from France. He’s probably one of those people with the “floating gender” who switch several times a day to suit his advantage in today’s gender dysphoric dystopia.

Everyone that ever stood behind this woman at a bank or Tasty Fleeze has kicked her ass. She goes through every day all day long, from one ass-kicking to the next, and has no clue why. She would fare much better with one of those “I’m Cock” Tees.

Relax; there is no copyright issue here. This brother is on record under the name of Baet Simpson. Furthermore, the American Bart Simpson’s catchphrase is “Don’t have a cow, man.” He has never been heard saying: “Don’t have a box new.”

geo’s Pun Meme of the Week:

geo’s Classic Art Meme of the Week

World gone mad, mad, mad, mad. Aren’t you glad you aren’t woke? You would have missed all the fun. And if you are woke and somehow read this by accident, and now your man mascara is running from tears of incredulity, suck it up and fear not. You’ll be just fine in a few minutes.