**Editor’s Note: CAUTION-Spirited Content Ahead: Woke readers and other easily offended types need proceed no further. The rest of you buckle up and enjoy the ride. — GDM

Hitchhiker Hangs onto Tractor Trailer for Loser Life

Note: SOFREP does not endorse this technique for ride-hitching.

I’m not intentionally picking on Florida; Florida really just picks on itself. Far be it for me to single out any one state for humiliation, but it seems like that state has more per capita cooks and ingrates than the rest of the U.S. combined. How all those people ended up so messed up and in Florida… I mean, they weren’t that way when they all came over from France.

The reason I cringe to pick on Florida is that chances are someone is from there, and that someone could be one of our readers! Were it narrowed down to a single city, it would be Seattle or Minneapolis. On the other hand, were we to expand to the national scope of humiliation, there you have a no-brainer — Chiner! I sometimes wonder how my clothing line would sell in Florida…

The nutshell is that this bloody dude steps onto the highway, slows down the truck, jumps on it, hanging on like a madman, and then starts smashing the windshield with a metal object. The diver panics, speeds up, and starts swerving wildly trying to shake the lunatic off. That alone makes the video a worthy watch.

Another question that comes to mind rather quickly — beyond the obvious one — is what… what in the high-desert savannas of western Tarnation is that guy wearing?? Right? WTF? Something I wouldn’t wear to get up to pee in the middle of the night, even if I didn’t turn any lights on. My guess — and I surely am no expert — is that something went pear-shaped during an amorous engagement with a local iso-gendered gentry of incidental leisure. If Ice-G swung that way, he might then consider wearing those clothes.

Anyhoo, the (funded) State Troopers caught up to this… grotesque episode… and whisked the… gentleman… to the hospital for some industrial-scale welterweight evaluation. Actually, I’m sorry, but I’m taking the title “gentleman” back. Any fool who would jump on top of a tractor-trailer and smash out the window wearing that catch-me-phuq-me outfit is not a gentleman. If you’re sick-n-tired of assed-up people, raise your hand with me now and say: “I am”!