Army’s new PT test for the boots: 

The Occupational Physical Assessment Test, a new way to measure physical aptitude of recruits, is tentatively scheduled for a June roll-out. If you have 30 minutes to burn, you can watch the Army’s official OPAT instructional video here. In the meantime, here’s what we know about the four physical events:

The regular Army PT test will still remain in place. That’s the two-mile run, push-ups, and sit-ups. Nothing changes there. This new test, which SOFREP’s Desiree Huitt talked about in February, is intended to see how well recruits qualify for the MOS that they are supposed to go into. In other words, if you are planning on being and infantryman infantry person or Special Forces, and you have little girl arms, you will gently be steered into another direction. According to the article, it’s not all the hooah jobs that require a good score, either. They use the example of a mechanic who might have to change out one of the heavy-ass tires on an MRAP.

I haven’t been able to find out what the grading standards are. Apparently this is some big secret, so train on these exercises as much as you can.

Standing long jump
Why: Measures lower-body power – muscles used in repetitive lifting and carrying tasks such as offloading supplies or ammunition.
How: “At least two submaximal practice jumps,” according to the Army’s instructional video, followed by “three successful jumps,” with the results of each recorded to the nearest centimeter.

As with all body-weight exercises, there’s no secret to how to improve on these. If you happen to have the hops of a drunken elephant, just jump a lot. Box jump and broad jump your ass off, and soon you’ll be like Lebron. Speaking of him, also be sure to play a lot of basketball. Whenever I consistently played ball, I’d be grabbing the rim all day. But when I didn’t play for a while, my jumping ability deserted me. Oh, and deep squats, which you should be doing anyway, will help.

Seated power throw
Why: Measures upper-body power – muscles used in repetitive, but generally stationary tasks such as loading ammunition.
How: Recruits sit on the floor with their lower back against a 9-inch-long, 6-inch-wide, 3-inch-deep yoga block and their upper back against the wall, legs out straight. On “go” from the test-giver, they hold a 4.4-pound medicine ball to their chest, pause, then “push/throw … upwards and outwards at a 45 degree angle,” per the Army instructional video. Two practice throws followed by three that count, with all scores recorded to the nearest quarter-meter.

Kind of a goofy test, but applicable. Practice by doing a shitload of wall-balls. This will simultaneously get your skinny legs going, too.

Strength deadlift
Why: Measures lower-body strength – critical for casualty evacuation, for example.
How: After a practice lift to check for proper form, recruits will use a hexagon barbell to deadlift 100 pounds, then 140, then 180 and finally 220. One lift per weight, no skipping lifts – all successful lifts will be recorded. One minute’s rest allowed between lifts. Fail a lift? You get a re-try after a one-minute break.

This is more like it. The deadlift is really the most complete exercise there is. If you did nothing else but deadlift, you would be reasonably strong all over your entire body. That’s how effective it is. Let me also say, at the risk of offending some of you, if you can’t deadlift at least your body weight, you better get in the gym. In other words, the 200-pound guy deadlifting 200 pounds. The body weight percentages are the best way to see how you stack up in the deadlift. Here’s my personal deadlifting standards:

Less than 100 percent body weight: You are a shrimp with ladyboy bones. Hit the gym, Nancy.

125 percent body weight: Novice lifter. At least you aren’t embarrassing yourself.

150 percent body weight: Respectable. Keep it up.

175 percent body weight: Pretty damn strong. You have quads like a thoroughbred. Silkies are authorized.

Army requires new fitness test for soldiers who want to switch MOSs

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200 percent body weight: Diesel. You are ready to operate like a motherfucker.

More than 250 percent body weight: Savage. You scare people. Everyone is watching you move weight, you savage. Women want you, and men want to be you. Kill everything.

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Elite lifters will routinely go waaaaaay above 250 percent. Legendary power lifter Lamar Gant still holds the record in the pound for pound, lifting an amazing 634 freaking pounds at a body weight of 123 pounds! (For full disclosure, I last checked my one-rep max in deadlift back in January, and hit 375 at a body weight of 194. I took advantage and bought the extra small silkies. But I want that 200 percent.)

I realize that a lot of young people go into the military not very fit, but that seems like a holdover of a time gone by to me. We have the internet now. There is no mystery behind what you are getting yourself into when you join the military, so train up before you go. The deadlift should be a central component of your training regimen. It does a little of everything. It will make your legs and back stronger. Your core strength will be huge. And you’ll look like a beast. Which, at the end of the day, is really the most important thing.

Interval aerobic run
Why: Measures aerobic fitness – necessary to move under fire or for other short-burst activities common to combat situations.
How: A recruit jogs down a 20-meter course, then jogs back after hearing a beep. After a minute or so of warm-up, the beeps begin getting closer together. Test-takers must reach the line before the beep – get beat by the beep three times in a row, you’re done. Test-givers will record the recruit’s last successful interval.

This one seems like it would suck the most. If you really bust your ass, you can cover the 20-meter course over 100 times before the beeps inevitably get to you. No mystery here: Run a lot. Of course, you should be doing that anyway, but mix up the runs. Don’t always go the same route and over the same terrain. Do hill sprints. Run the trails. Runs some pavement one day, the beach the next. Sometimes do a short, fast run, and other days, do the long, slow distance. Variety is key. You’ll smoke the test that way.

Follow me and all the SOFREP writers on Twitter for our wacky exchanges:

Fru was lamenting the fact that the Washington Post was talking about the rumor regarding Bruce Caitlyn Bruce Jenner’s thinking about switching back to being a man. Look, you all know how I feel about that nut.

Apparently everyone is just banging all day at the Naval Academy:

QUANTICO — A former Naval Academy instructor facing a possible court-martial after a newspaper uncovered new evidence related to his convictions for indecent acts with female midshipmen walked out of his own preliminary hearing Friday.

Kevin McDermott, the civilian lawyer for Marine Corps Maj. Mark Thompson, called the hearing at Quantico Marine Corps Base a “show trial.” After Thompson was advised of his rights, he and his lawyers walked out of the hearing, making themselves “voluntarily absent,” in military jargon.

This case has already been decided by the courts. This creep was banging away at some of the female midshipmen at the Navel Academy, and was found guilty, and was convicted. In a bizarre turn, he’s now engaged in some quixotic quest to have his name cleared, even though there is actually MORE evidence of all his sexytime shenanigans. His group-sex buddy was interviewed about all of the nasty sex they used to have with each other.

Friday’s hearing consisted primarily of a recorded interview with Maj. Michael Pretus, a friend of Thompson who also was an instructor at the Naval Academy. Pretus testified on Thompson’s behalf at the 2013 court-martial. He now says he lied at that trial to protect himself and his friend.

He now says he knows firsthand that Thompson engaged in sexual misconduct with the midshipmen because he himself was a participant in a threesome with Thompson and the female student back in April 2011. He said Thompson also described a threesome he had with two female midshipmen in a phone conversation.

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LOLZZZZZZ. So not one, but TWO Naval Academy instructors were putting the stones to the students. At the same time, even! Now, every guy loves threesomes. But dammit, it HAS to be two girls, one guy. When there are two dudes involved (aka “the devil’s threesome”), that is a goddamn NO-GO. I could never do it. Believe me, I’ve heard MANY stories from the degenerates I’ve worked with over the years who had no problem at all with it. It seems like a logistical nightmare to me. What if my knee accidentally touches the other guy’s thigh? What if we made eye contact? What if…FLUIDS came into contact with me? Gross.

Your military social justice crusades update:

The Citadel military college, known for its buttoned-up uniforms and strict discipline, decided Tuesday that a newly accepted female student cannot wear a traditional Muslim headscarf if she enrolls in the fall.

The decision disappointed the student, according to a family spokesman who said they are considering legal options because they believe “it’s the same issue faced by African-Americans and women in this situation.” The school didn’t immediately embrace the first African-American cadets during the 1960s and fought the enrollment of women in the 1990s before relenting…

I’m shocked. I predicted the Citadel would cave when we first talked about this story on the Roundup. Someone was miraculously injected with a dose of common sense. But it’s not quite over yet. You see, the civil-rights shysters at my favorite terrorism-apologist group, CAIR, were quick to get involved:

…Family spokesman Ibrahim Hooper with the Council on American-Islamic Relations in Washington, D.C., said the woman will not attend the school unless there is a change. She cried this morning after getting the call, Hooper said.

She told the commandant that it wasn’t fair that she had to choose between going to the school and her faith, Hooper said.

Boo fucking hoo. What is it with all these people who constantly think that every institution has to change for THEM, when it’s supposed to be the other way around? Sadly, though, she has a point. I mean, they let that Sikh guy wear a turban. Which, in my opinion, they never should have done, because if a lawsuit is filed, Hooper and the CAIR jerks are going to ask, rightfully, what the difference is between the two cases.

Don’t get me wrong, the turban’s Sikh. (See what I did there?) I’d wear one myself. But I knew it would lead to the rest of this bullshit. Once you let one guy do it, no matter how cool it is, everyone else is going to want the same treatment. They already told the Jewish guys they couldn’t do it; will they change that one, too? I suppose one could make an argument that the Sikh officer had at least completed his primary MOS, but the CAIR lawyer will definitely have a point. Which is why you don’t allow any exceptions, especially for boot cadets. You have no rights, snowflake. But I see many other “uniform” waivers in the future.

Remember the 1990s, when we hardly ever heard about Muslims, and no one ever thought there would be a nationwide debate over men rinsing their dongs off in the sink in the girls’ bathroom? Son of a bitch, those were good times. Oh, sure, we had our problems. We still had to use phones attached to the wall. There was no internet. The Spin Doctors actually became a thing. But GODDAMMIT, those were still good times.

Hooper wasn’t done yet, though:

“We view it as a continuation of the civil rights movement,” Hooper said.

Jesus. Yeah, you’re just like black people who didn’t want to get strung up for drinking out of the wrong water fountain. I hope a sinkhole opens up right underneath CAIR HQ.

Oh, and then there was this:

NEW YORK – Sixteen black West Point cadets who posed with raised fists for a pre-graduation picture that sparked debates on race and proper behavior in uniform won’t be punished for the gesture, the U.S. Military Academy said Tuesday.

An internal inquiry found the cadets didn’t plan to make a political statement, West Point’s superintendent, Lt. Gen. Robert Caslen Jr., said in a letter to the student body.

But, he said, they showed “a lapse of awareness in how symbols and gestures can be misinterpreted and cause division,” and they will receive instruction to address “their intent versus the impact of the photo.”

Suuuuuuuure. As I said last week, look at the faces of the cadets. That sure looks like a political statement to me. I didn’t want them expelled, but I did want them punished and held accountable. I suggested a 10,000-word essay on the importance of professionalism in the military. And hey, the article did mention that they were to “receive instruction.” But that could mean anything. They probably got a three-minute talking to. Disciplining a black female in the modern military is also punishable by death, I’ve heard.

San Francisco is a rogue state:

Two La Raza-linked community organizer groups that repeatedly disrupted a San Francisco Board of Supervisors meeting Tuesday night to discuss expanding the city’s “sanctuary city” policies forced Breitbart News lead investigative reporter Lee Stranahan from the gallery.

The Breitbart reporter was removed after leaders in the group complained that Stranahan was shooting video of the group’s disruptions.

Stranahan was at the meeting to cover the scheduled vote. San Francisco’s lenience towards illegal aliens came under close scrutiny after last year’s shooting death of a young woman, Kate Steinle, by an illegal immigrant who had previously been convicted of crimes and deported several times.

This has gotten way out of control. The News Roundup takes an active interest in all things immigration-related, and has kept an eye on the psychopaths in San Francisco for some time. Recall that, after the murder of American citizen Kate Steinle by a five-time deportee that the SF sheriffs basically saved from the feds, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors actually voted to reaffirm this insanity.

This is why people are so enraged with the Republican Congress and the futility of politicians. After that murder, Congress tried to take a vote to withhold funds from cities that embrace sanctuary-city policies, and they COULD NOT EVEN DO THAT. They were flaccid men, with flaccid genitals. They control Congress, and couldn’t even get a bill that would require hanging on to illegal alien felons OUT OF COMMITTEE. And you wonder why Trump is getting votes.

Back to the whack jobs in San Fran. Listen to these nuts:

However, supervisor John Avalos proposed expanding the sanctuary city policy in response to recent rhetoric by Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump against illegal immigration.

At the beginning of Tuesday’s meeting, all attendees were notified in English, Spanish and Chinese not to stand, shout or applaud, and that such demonstrations might lead to removal from the meeting.

While shooting video of the proceeding, Stranahan heard a number of demonstrations and outbursts of applause from the audience during a statement by Avalos. Stranahan turned his camera to record what was happening.

It was fine for the La Raza race fascists to scream and carry on, you see. They were supportive of this nut Avalos, and his fanatic race crony fellow supervisor and former illegal alien David Campos. But when Stranahan turned to film them, he was thrown out. Never mind that this is a public meeting, in the taxpayer-funded city council chambers, where recording is ABSOLUTELY allowed. He was thrown out, and it was for a reason.

You see, the illegal-alien fanatics know how bad it looks if they are scrutinized while behaving and talking about what they actually believe. They just want to issue statements about only deporting “serious criminals,” which they don’t do, and get everyone to believe their horse shit. So they can’t stand it when people actually question them or get them on tape, because they know American taxpayers would freak out. They prefer to operate deep in the bowels of the city bureaucracy, quietly eroding borders and all immigration rules. They know when they are seen talking like this on camera, they look terrible. Just look at their reaction on Twitter afterwards, when Stranahan called them out:

First off, Avalos, you idiotic turd: IT IS LEGAL TO FILM IN A PUBLIC MEETING. Yes, that even applies to “people of color.” I love how these race activists hold that up as some kind of shield, like the rules don’t apply to them. Get the hell out of here. You’re in a public hearing? You are consenting to any kind of recording. Hey, if you think your cause is so noble, Avalos, you doofus, then why are you so upset? Shouldn’t you want video of this activism to be spread far and wide? Maybe Avalos is camera shy because he’s already been caught having an affair with a staffer. Great guy, Avalos.

Again, this is because they know how bad they look. Then his buddy, former illegal alien David Campos,chimed in:

If you don’t think illegal aliens should be allowed to run freely about the country killing people, then you wear white sheets. David Campos should be deported. He can take his boyfriend with him.

Remember: All of this is allowed and tacitly encouraged under the Obama administration. We know that if you don’t want Jim the pre-op trans showering with your daughter’s swim team, then BY GOD, Obama will leap into action, but illegal aliens murdering Americans while being protected by local municipalities? They can’t be bothered.

A family of three is murdered by a protected illegal alien, and Avalos and Campos don’t give two shits. The Bologna family wasn’t part of their left-wing, racist, open-borders fanatic tribe, so when that family was killed by illegal gangbanger Edwin Ramos in San Francisco, nothing was changed, leading to Kate Steinle and others. The feds are no better. A 90-year-old American is beaten to death by illegal aliens, and the Obama administration is not asked about it, doesn’t talk about it, and pretends everyone who comes here illegally is a freaking Rhodes scholar. An illegal alien drunk driver murders an American college student after being let go by Obama’s ICE. Meanwhile, THAT complete abortion of an organization is busy releasing tens of thousands of convicted criminal illegal immigrants, not giving a single fuck if they go on to murder more people.

Think I’m engaging in hyperbole? Hell nah. One of the worst cases is when Obama’s ICE decided that they wouldn’t deport illegal alien murderer Jean Jacques last year after he served a prison sentence for attempted murder. You know why? Because HAITI, yes, freaking Third-World basket case HAITI, folded its arms and refused to take him back. How many billions of dollars have we given those shitheads over the years? How many visas? Jacques would go on to stab to death 25-year-old Casey Chadwick six months after his release.

News Roundup: Train for the Army's new occupational PT test, San Francisco is a lawless cesspool, SEAL training death scrutinized

And all the stupid asshole activists think that’s just fine. I could list a hundred other examples, but, according to the amnesty activists, every single illegal immigrant kid is going to be the next Elon Musk, and will totally not join up with the local MS-13 gang to torture and murder people. And Obama isn’t asked about it. Jorge Ramos from Univision and his activist fanatics aren’t asked about it. John Avalos isn’t asked about it. Hillary Clinton and Bernie-freaking-Sanders are DEFINITELY not asked about it. It’s always, “DERRRR, THEY’RE FUTURE VALEDICTORIANS…DERRP.” Nobody gives a flying shit. They want the votes, and the cheap labor, and if Americans have to suffer, oh fucking well.

God damn, this shit pisses me off.

Navy cans officer over the Iran riverine boat debacle:

The head of a riverine squadron at the center of an international incident in January was fired Thursday, the first officer to be publicly disciplined for errors that led to 10 sailors being captured by Iran after getting lost in the Persian Gulf — a debacle that nearly scuttled the U.S.-Iran nuclear deal at the 11th hour.

Cmdr. Eric Rasch, who at the time of the Jan. 12 incident was the executive officer of the Coastal Riverine Squadron 3, was removed from his job by Capt. Gary Leigh, head of Coastal Riverine Group 1, for what a Navy Expeditionary Combat Command release said was “a loss of confidence” in his ability to remain in command.


A week after a Navy SEAL trainee died following a swimming drill in California, accounts are emerging that challenge the Navy’s narrative of what happened and paint a darker picture, alleging that the death may have been the result of an instructor going too far.

Seaman James Derek Lovelace, 21, died May 6 during what a Navy spokesman described as a swimming exercise in the first week of SEAL training. A safety observer noticed Lovelace “having a hard time,” the spokesman said, and instructors guided him to the edge of the pool and tried to revive him. He never regained consciousness.

News Roundup: Train for the Army's new occupational PT test, San Francisco is a lawless cesspool, SEAL training death scrutinized

A Navy SEAL official speaking to a Pilot reporter this week emphasized that the drill — known as “drown proofing” — wasn’t particularly rigorous. Although former SEALs say all students are subjected to extensive physical examinations before being admitted into the program, the official speculated that Lovelace might have had an underlying health problem.

Tragic story out of San Diego. Unfortunately, these things happen in special operations training. No matter how much care you take to control the environment, people’s bodies just react differently to different stresses. People die in the water sometimes, whether in PJ selection, BUDS, or Marine Recon. Ordinarily, I would not second-guess instructors who are in the heat of the moment, but they need to clear this up.

“Drown-proofing” has been taught in both PJ and SEAL selection for decades. As long as it is being performed correctly, the spokesman is right. It was actually the one time we weren’t getting messed with too badly in the water, so it was almost like a mini break from the rest of the torture. I can’t speak to the exact technique in the Navy, but for the PJs, it consisted of three phases:

News Roundup: Train for the Army's new occupational PT test, San Francisco is a lawless cesspool, SEAL training death scrutinized

Bobbing: with your hands bound behind your back and your ankles bound (this was advanced; at first, you have no straps), you enter the water and begin “bobbing”—sinking to the bottom of the pool, pushing off with your feet, and coming back to the surface to take a breath before sinking again. This went on for a while.

Floating: Just like it sounds. Still bound, you’d curl up in a ball face down in the water, and float. When you needed air, you’d lift your head to get a breath, then stick your face back in the water.

Traveling: Still in the water, you’d begin swimming dolphin-style back and forth throughout the pool until the instructors called time. This was the end of the drown-proofing session. But some are claiming that’s not what this was.

Unlike what was described by the Navy, the sources say the drill involved physical harassment of trainees by instructors in the water, intended to test their ability to stay afloat under stress. It wasn’t a “drown proofing” drill, according to three of the sources, but rather a more intense exercise known as “combat tread.” During “combat tread,” according to former SEALs, students swim in camouflage uniforms while instructors grab at them in the water.

That doesn’t sound like drown-proofing to me.

“[Lovelace] was hands on with the instructor,” one source said. “He passed out first and was sent back in. The instructor kept physically and verbally harassing him.”

Well…you are going to get harassed. That’s part of the deal. And if you pass out, they remove you from the pool and revive you. I’ve seen it plenty of times. In PJ indoctrination, they would then ask if you wanted to quit. If you said “no,” they would reply, “then get the fuck back in the pool.” Then you carry on. But the story changes a bit after that:

Wrote another: “The event was witnessed by multiple trainees and was captured on video. This instructor took advantage of the student instructor relationship, held the student underwater until he drowned, then blamed it on the student’s inability to perform.”

That is hard to believe. If that is, in fact, the case, that instructor should be removed and charged. You’re telling me that a guy held a student underwater until he drowned? I’d be shocked if that is true, but who knows? Things happen in the heat of the moment, but the amount of training these instructors get makes it seem unlikely to me. The father of the victim, meanwhile, is saying that it’s bullshit; that it was just a bad reaction to the training. More to come out, I’m sure.

Chalupas are my jam:

Jake Booth is an Army veteran and a former sheriff’s deputy from Collier County, Fla. He’s also the survivor of a 48-day coma. On the day he miraculously woke up, the man had one thing on his mind – Taco Bell tacos – and he wanted one badly.

Thanks to a lot of therapy and great medical treatment, Booth got his wish and about a month later he got to chow down on eight Taco Bell tacos.

“It was symbolic of the entire thing — more of a metaphor of him having woken up and being given a second chance at life,” his older brother, Jason Schwartz, told USA Today For The Win.

Booth fell in a coma in February, when he came down with bronchitis. At the tail end of his antibiotic regimen, the 35-year-old neglected to finish the dose, sending him to the hospital with pneumonia. While admitted, he had a heart attack and then fell into a coma.

After a grueling 48 days, with family and medical staff unsure if he’d ever wake up or suffer from permanent brain damage, Booth woke up, and although he struggled to speak, when he finally did, he uttered the words… “I want Taco Bell.”

A couple of crappy stories here:

The Army on Thursday released the name of a 19-year-old 101st Airborne Division soldier who died Tuesday during live-fire training at Fort Polk, Louisiana.

Pfc. Victor Stanfill, with A Company, 2nd Battalion, 506th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, was pronounced dead Tuesday morning at a Fort Polk hospital, according to a news release. A team from the Army Combat Readiness Center is leading the investigation into the training incident.

Stanfill, an infantryman, enlisted in September, according to the release. He reported to his unit in January after training at Fort Benning, Georgia.

The Fulton, Maryland, native had earned the National Defense Service Medal, Global War on Terrorism Service Medal and Army Service Ribbon, the release states.

Paratrooper killed in auto accident:

A member of the 82nd Airborne died Wednesday after he rear-ended an Army truck on Fort Bragg, N.C.

Spc. Javier Enrique Aguilar, 25, was a paratrooper with Bravo Company, 1st Battalion, 508th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division.

The two-vehicle accident occurred on Longstreet Road, just west of Gruber Road. The Light Medium Tactical Vehicle that Aguilar collided with was largely undamaged and no one on board was injured.

Aguilar joined the Army in 2013 and he deployed to Afghanistan. His awards and decorations include the Army Commendation Medal, Army Achievement Medal, National Defense Service Medal, Afghanistan Campaign Medal, Global War On Terror Service Medal, Army Service Ribbon, Overseas Service Ribbon, NATO Medal (ISAF), the Expert Infantryman Badge and the Parachutist Badge.

Undiagnosed medical issue?

CINCINNATI —Bob and Debbi Alsfelder said they are living a nightmare they could have never imagined.

“It’s been the worst, terrible. The pain is just indescribable,” Bob Alsfelder said.

Early Monday morning, a Mariemont police officer and two Army officers woke the family up to tell them their youngest son, Jordy Alsfelder, 26, had passed away.

“I think it’s the worst thing that can happen to a parent,” Debbi Alsfelder said.

Alsfelder died Sunday, Mother’s Day, at Fort Sill in Oklahoma from a massive heart attack. The Alsfelders said he showed no signs of distress and doctors found a 100 percent blockage, causing his heart to stop in an instant.

“The medical examiner in Oklahoma City said that he had never ever in his life seen this in anyone so young, usually it’s in 60, 70, 80-year-olds,” Debbi Alsfelder said.

There are no hot 13-year-olds that want you:

FORT RUCKER, Ala. — An Army officer is facing a weekend court-martial at Fort Rucker.

The Dothan Eagle reports Lt. Col. Christopher Don Wood faces charges of conduct unbecoming of an officer and other violations of military law at his trial scheduled to open Saturday. The charges stem from an undercover operation in 2014 that initially led to Wood facing state charges of child solicitation.

Daleville police officials said their investigation showed Wood traveled to meet a teenage girl for sex while he was stationed at Fort Rucker. Dale County District Attorney Kirke Adams dropped the state charges to allow the Army to prosecute the case.

If convicted on all counts, Wood could receive up to 75 years in the military prison at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas.

How many times do I have to tell these guys? Thirteen-year-old girls DO NOT WANT to see your gray-haired nutsack, bro. Holy shit. If you are on the internet, and a 13-year-old girl is telling you that she wants nothing more in life than to pleasure your late-forties lieutenant-colonel shaft, chances are roughly 100 percent that she is, in reality, a decidedly unamused FBI agent who MOST LIKELY will not desire your late-forties shaft either. You actually have more of a shot at the FBI agent, honestly.

Stop soliciting kids on the internet, you freaks. They should just be executed on the spot when they show up with the Jaeger, condoms, and sizzurp.

Naked immigrant wants to go home:

A naked man who hopped a fence at Miami International Airport said he did so because he wanted to go back to Cuba, according to police.

Ricardo Nogales, 47, was arrested Wednesday afternoon on a breach of security charge after he jumped the perimeter fence at MIA and entered the restricted airfield area, according to a Miami-Dade Police arrest report.

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Nogales was booked into jail and it’s unknown if he’s hired an attorney. The report said he is Cuban and unemployed.

According to the report, officers found Nogales naked and trying to enter an airport hangar. He said he jumped the fence because he wanted to go back to Cuba, the report said.

Doesn’t that say it all about America, 2016? The naked, unemployed Cuban doesn’t even want to be here.

It was a target-rich environment for naked news this week. I could have gone with the naked guy hiding in the briar patch. The naked guy blasting away with his gun at cars. Or the naked guy who decided to punch the cop who wanted him to put some clothes on. But Ricardo beat them all out. Look at the neck on that guy! I could drop an EJ on him with my eyes closed.