(You can read part I (here)

I sank back deep in my seat as our flight lifted off for Seattle. I caught myself off and on, reaching just below my lapel to feel the slight bulge of money sewn into my shirt hem. Was that a sign of nerves, I wondered? I mean, no matter how many times I reach up to feel them, they are still going to be there, dumbass.

My instructions ran through my head several times. I had to leave them all behind, of course; I could not be caught with them on my person. All that remained of my initial instruction packet was a small letter-sized envelope that was sealed and, according to the instructions, was several hundred dollars and some phone numbers to call in the event of an emergency.

If it weren’t for my responsibility for the cash, I would have thrown the envelope away because there was no way I was going to call those numbers. Oh sure, yeah, they wanted me to call those numbers and beg for help because I was alllllll phukt up and needed heeeeelp. I wouldn’t give anyone the smug satisfaction.

I had an aisle seat, and against the window was a young mother with an infant child. Between us was an empty seat, save for the young-un who opted to occupy it to poke and squirm. At least it wasn’t a morbidly obese, freakishly fat mass that pressed up to me and fenced for the armrest the entire flight.

It would have actually been a sweet flight had it not been for mom, who had her mouth stuck open on full-automatic the entire time, with her annoying habit of talking to me through her baby girl:

“Don’t you poke at that nice man, sweetie. Don’t stare at him; it’s not polite to stare at people, you know. Oh, you’re laughing at the nice man now… is he a funny man, sugar-pop? Hmmmmmmmm?”

I was suddenly taken back to a particularly gruesome story I had seen on TV of late. It was a specific episode of Unsolved Mysteries, where a young mother and her toddler were stabbed to death by a neighborhood handyman as he worked on their kitchen cabinets. While the motive remained unclear, I was pleased with myself by the notion that I may have solved the crime: