Warning: satire ahead. In a stunning development, SOFREP’s own Jeff Danovich landed an exclusive interview with former Republic of Pineland strongman Jose Cuervo. Since the United-States-led invasion resulted in the overthrow of Cuervo, the former Pineland leader has since become a recluse. He has refused dozens of requests for interviews.

Here is Jeff’s story.

Upon arriving on the island of Erehwon, I was immediately met by two gentlemen in black suits. They looked like they meant business. We got in their sport utility. One of the men asked me politely to blindfold myself. I did without question. After driving on gravel roads for what seemed like an hour, we arrived at our destination. I was escorted into a nondescript office complex. Once I sat down, I found myself face-to-face with the man who went from media darling, to a strongman in the same vein as Idi Amin and Pol Pot, to the most wanted man in the world.

As Cuervo and I talked, we ate a traditional Pineland meal. The main course was local Pineland delicacy: fresh possum. The possum was so fresh, in fact, I was shown my meal before he was slaughtered. Remembering that it was offensive to your host to turn down any food in Pineland culture, I dutifully ate the fire-roasted possum. It wasn’t terrible, but I surely wouldn’t Instagram it.

Danovich: So, were you surprised about how quickly things went south between you and the United States?

Cuervo: I was very surprised. As foreign minister, it was my decision to assist them in Iraq. We even sent a large number of troops to Iraq in 2008. Our local Shia population was very adamant that we help. As you may remember, we welcomed a large number of Shiite dissident groups to Pineland in the early ’90s from Iraq. I thought we would always have a strong ally in the United States. But once I took over the presidency, with the support of the United Provinces of Atlantica, the relationship between my country and the U.S. soured.

Danovich: I distinctly remember that “election” being classified as a coup d’etat. But I am not here to get into semantics.

Cuervo: I appreciate that.