Warning: satire ahead. In a stunning development, SOFREP’s own Jeff Danovich landed an exclusive interview with former Republic of Pineland strongman Jose Cuervo. Since the United-States-led invasion resulted in the overthrow of Cuervo, the former Pineland leader has since become a recluse. He has refused dozens of requests for interviews.
Here is Jeff’s story.
Upon arriving on the island of Erehwon, I was immediately met by two gentlemen in black suits. They looked like they meant business. We got in their sport utility. One of the men asked me politely to blindfold myself. I did without question. After driving on gravel roads for what seemed like an hour, we arrived at our destination. I was escorted into a nondescript office complex. Once I sat down, I found myself face-to-face with the man who went from media darling, to a strongman in the same vein as Idi Amin and Pol Pot, to the most wanted man in the world.
As Cuervo and I talked, we ate a traditional Pineland meal. The main course was local Pineland delicacy: fresh possum. The possum was so fresh, in fact, I was shown my meal before he was slaughtered. Remembering that it was offensive to your host to turn down any food in Pineland culture, I dutifully ate the fire-roasted possum. It wasn’t terrible, but I surely wouldn’t Instagram it.
Danovich: So, were you surprised about how quickly things went south between you and the United States?
Cuervo: I was very surprised. As foreign minister, it was my decision to assist them in Iraq. We even sent a large number of troops to Iraq in 2008. Our local Shia population was very adamant that we help. As you may remember, we welcomed a large number of Shiite dissident groups to Pineland in the early ’90s from Iraq. I thought we would always have a strong ally in the United States. But once I took over the presidency, with the support of the United Provinces of Atlantica, the relationship between my country and the U.S. soured.
Danovich: I distinctly remember that “election” being classified as a coup d’etat. But I am not here to get into semantics.
Cuervo: I appreciate that.
Danovich: Did your military advisors prepare you adequately for the subsequent invasion of Pineland by the U.S. and her allies?
Cuervo: No. Absolutely not. We did have a strong secretary of defense in Robin Hayes, but when he joined the guerrilla movement, our armies were lost. We did try to “recruit” him back to my administration, but our tactics did not work.
Danovich: It is my understanding that you personally ordered him to be kidnapped. He was found in a house in Ramseur and rescued by local guerrillas.
Cuervo: You are testing my patience with all of your accusations, American sergeant.
Danovich: I apologize. Can we change the subject?
Cuervo: We should.
Danovich: Looking back, can you share your thoughts on your overthrow?
Cuervo: I was shocked at how well the guerillas were organized. It was almost as if they had been training for years under the instruction of the best troops in the world. The entire operation was eerily similar to what happened between the U.S. and the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan….
(Cuervo looked as if a light bulb just went off in his head)
Cuervo: This interview is now over. My assistants will take you back to the airport and you can leave my island.
In the days following my encounter with Mr. Cuervo, I reflected on the current situation in Pineland. The nation has once again become a strong ally of the United States. They have a strong civil society and a well-trained military. We can consistently count on them to be the most stable nation on the entire continent of Atlantica.
(Featured image courtesy of refactortactical.com)
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