I am sitting in front of my laptop, fueled up on caffeine and Jason Isbell, while patiently waiting for inspiration to strike me, or for divine providence to inspire me to write something meaningful and deep. Finding this technique frustratingly slow, I instead turn to today’s news headlines, across a variety of sources, and I am instantly struck by how ridiculous some of them are. 

So ridiculous, in fact, that I now have my “Tucker Face” on (see photo above). Now, I do not mean to state that the headline writers have done a bad job, necessarily, or that the headlines in question were crafted in a sloppy or grammatically inferior manner. No, what I intend to convey is that the snippets of the story proffered by a number of these headlines just strike me as inane and/or ludicrous.

Let’s start with this one, from the Washington Post’s ‘The Fix:’ “Mike Pence doesn’t dine alone with other women. And we’re all shocked.” Now, I get what the author is trying to do here. He is pointing out how a Tweet to the effect of the headline, taken from a profile on the vice president’s wife, Karen Pence, caused outrage, as it seemed that the author was casting judgment on Pence’s practice of not dining alone with other women. My point, however, is that who the ever-loving mother of pearl cares?! Good on the VP and his wife for having arrangements that work for their marriage. It is none of our business, nor is it worthy of a Washington Post article.

Next, we see this gem from the New York Times: “Devin Nunes is Dangerous.” Now, Devin Nunes is incompetent, a lapdog for the White House, seemingly ignorant of how intelligence actually works, and thus epically unfit to be the chairman of the House’s Intelligence Committee. But dangerous? Hardly. He is making a mockery of congressional oversight and his own personal integrity, but he will harm nothing other than his own credibility, the House’s ability to effectively oversee the executive branch, and the Trump administration’s chances of clearing its name in the Russia investigation. 

On to the next! “The ‘It’ Trailer Freaked You Out,” from CNN. Don’t you tell me how scared that trailer made me, CNN! And how did you read my mind? Seriously, that is one scary-ass book (by Stephen King) and the movie promises to lead to some serious pants-soiling [shivers in fear].

Lest we leave out Fox News, here is yet another doozy for us to ridicule: “North Carolina transgender ‘bathroom bill’ flushed by lawmakers.” Is this scatological turd of a joke the best we can do, Fox? That was just simply too easy, and a cheap punchline. How about “Bathroom bill clogs North Carolina economy, repeal set to flush it away?” Or, “Like toilet paper, bathroom bill takes crap from everyone, and is flushed down the commode of history?” Seriously, you can do better.

Our armed forces-focused media outlets are not immune from these doozies, either. How about this one from the Navy Times: “Russia draws Senators’ focus in hearing on election meddling.” Now, correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t the entire point of the investigations in the House and Senate about alleged/suspected Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election? I mean, I am no genius, but this seems to fall into the category of ‘stating the obvious.’

Then the Marine Times gives us this headline to chew on: “Top Marine tactical athletes share tips for crushing the HITT championship.” Can I just throw it out there that the adjective “tactical” is way overused these days?  What in the name of hell is a ‘tactical athlete?’ SOFREP contributor Pete Nealen said it best, I think, when he stated that the word ‘tactical’ has become “nothing more than a meaningless buzzword.” Right on, my fellow SOFREP tactical contributor!