If you haven’t been to the Hale Koa hotel in Honolulu, Hawaii, you need to make it happen. This military-only hotel really is the proverbial wretched hive of scum and villainy, and I mean that as a compliment;  I absolutely loved it. Nowhere else on the planet are you as likely to hear groups of 80 year old American men use words like “cocksucker,” and “cooze,” all while slugging shots of terrible smelling old-timey alcohols. Well, save perhaps the local VFW.

Which the Hale Koa pretty much is, in a way. Located smack dab in the heart of Waikiki beach, this hotel lets military members and retirees a chance to vacation on the cheap. How cheap? It costs a little over a hundred bucks a day for an ocean view room. By comparison, the the Hilton Waikiki right next door starts at about four times that for a similar room.

And I needed a break from inflicting democracy and ‘Murica upon suspicious foreign countries. So no shit, there I was, sitting at the beach bar a while back, about a dozen mai-tais on board with more on the way. I was having a good time listening to the old-timers reminisce about the “real wars” while they guzzled margaritas and blatantly ogled my hot blonde lady friend. (Easy, fellas.) But it got me thinking.

Is the United States Military the most dysfunctional it’s ever been?

I think it is. I hear the old guys laughing their asses off already, but bear with me for a second.

The dysfunction starts with just getting in to the military. Hands down, it is BY FAR harder these days. Shit, back in the day, you barely had to have a pulse. You could just make up a new name and lie about your age. You could be one step above retarded and still get in. Cannon Fodder was always useful. If you happened to be an idiot, you could always peel potatoes or clean shitters. But all the menial tasks have mostly been outsourced now, so it’s actually pretty tough if you’re a total mongoloid.

Guys who had police records were routinely allowed to enlist. Remember the good old days, when little Johnny would shoplift a comic book, and the judge would give him the option of jail or the marines? HOW QUAINT. You couldn’t get away with that anymore. Now, the kids are having orgies by age six and running guns for the drug cartels by 13. Can you imagine some MS-13 executioner in front of the judge now?

Then there’s basic training. Things were so much simpler back in the old days. This one old gunny told me a story about arriving at Parris Island back in the early 1960s for USMC basic training. Apparently, they pulled up in a train, and there was one street tough from New York City who declared he wasn’t going to take no shit from no army dudes.