By now, most of our readers have seen the video of an American military convoy running a Russian military vehicle off the road. It is the latest of a series of disturbing escalations between American and Russian soldiers in Syria.
The video, which is shown below, shows a Russian convoy attempting to pass the American convoy on the highway. When that fails, they attempt to pass on the soft shoulder of the road. An American Oshkosh armored truck blocks the Russians from doing so and may have even made contact with the Russian vehicle.
Officials from CENTCOM have announced that they’re reviewing the footage, and incident. “The Coalition’s goal is to de-escalate any unplanned encounters with other forces operating in northeastern Syria. The videoed driving incident is under review,” Col. Myles B. Caggins III, the spokesman for OIR emailed to the Military Times in a statement.
However, back in the United States, the state of Massachusetts has taken umbrage with the behavior of the American troops, calling it a “serious violation of military order and discipline.” The Massachusetts State House believes the American soldiers should be disciplined.
The heavily Democrat-controlled state government issued a statement that read: “Massachusetts strongly condemns the aggressive behavior of the American troops while trying to interfere with the legal right of the peace-loving Russian people to deliver food and humanitarian aid to the suffering Syrian people.”
“We strongly condemn this serious violation of military order and discipline. Such aggressive, violent behavior has no place in a war zone and is just another indication of this current administration’s lack of respect for the niceties of war.”
The Massachusetts State Police (MSP) issued a statement in conjunction with the State House, saying that the American drivers in question were no doubt from Massachusetts and were contemplating suspending their rights to drive in the state.
SGT Vinnie Goombahtz of the MSP said that “it’s cleah, that the utes operatin’ dose trucks were from the state of Massatoosets. We’ve seen this manoovah many times on dah Pike (Massachusetts State Turnpike). You got some punk kids from Woostah, trying to block Beemers (BMWs) with New Yawk plates. It is wicked dangerous and uncalled for.”
Goombahtz added that cameras installed on the highway got a closer look at the rear of the American vehicle and it clearly shows that the driver of Oshkosh was from Massachusetts.
“A look at the bumpah stickah clearly shows the drivah was from Massatoosets,” he said. “You think we only got cameras on the faahcking Pike? You are sadly mistaken my friend.”
The city of Cambridge, which just passed legislation that illegal immigrants can no longer be arrested for driving without a license, released a statement that the American soldiers would be permanently barred from the city of Cambridge.
Richard B. Leslie IV Esq. a spokesman for the Cambridge City Council let it be known that the Russian soldiers involved were the victims here and that the city of Cambridge would love to welcome them any time to Harvard for drinks at the Cellar, where all the thirty-something pseudo-intellectuals go to see and be seen.
Republican Governor Charlie Baker, who somehow was elected governor of a state where he is the only registered Republican voter for 300 square miles, refused comment. But he said, off the record, that while he supported the rights of the Americans to defend their area of the highway, he also said he respected the Russians’ right of use of said highway. He added that the situation was confused and to check back with him next week when the Governor’s office would release a poll of 10,000 registered voters on whether the U.S. should recognize the right of ISIS to exist in Syria.
The office of Senator Elizabeth Warren, who is currently running for President, released a statement blaming President Trump for “getting us into this mess, to begin with, in Syria” somehow forgetting that we’ve been there for several years before the current administration. She added, “this reminds me of my Indian relatives in Oklahoma when the cavalry ran them off the trail back in the day.”
Former Mass politician John Kerry was reached out to for a comment, but would only add that “it was Bush’s fault.” Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders wasn’t asked for anything but gave a comment anyway: “We respectfully applaud the actions of the People’s Republic of Massa…. Commonwealth of Massachusetts for their brave stand against what’s right and what’s wrong. The Cubans would never behave this way.”
Meanwhile, local television in Boston reached out to people on the street. Boston 25 television reporters spoke to a man, who would identify himself only as “Pauly.” He was in a Southie dive called Croke Park Whitey’s and was wearing a shirt that said, “they hate us cuz they ain’t us.”
Asked about whether he believed the Americans were wrong, he scoffed: “Hey, those faahcking Ruskies can take a leap off da Tobin.” He added that Trump needs to bomb them “back to da Stone Age.” Asked if he’s a Republican, he said he doesn’t like Trump, “but he tells like it is.”
The U.S. coalition has about 500 troops in Syria, but an email to the Public Affairs Officer about how many Massholes were part of the Special Operations contingent went unanswered.
Editor’s note: This, of course, is a satirical piece.