Editor’s Note: The following piece is comedy/satire. We hope that it will put a smile on your face. — GDM
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The Great American Heat Apocalypse

As temperatures rise across the United States, a new epidemic is sweeping the nation: rampant whining about the weather. Citizens everywhere are breaking a sweat—not from the actual heat but from the sheer exertion of complaining about it.

In a touching display of collective grumbling, civilians have taken to social media to express their horror at the mercury climbing past 90 degrees. “It feels like over 100 with the heat index!” shrieked Karen W. from her air-conditioned SUV, iced caramel macchiato in hand. “How are we supposed to survive this?!”

Karen in the AC
A modestly inconvenienced Karen W. wonders how she’ll survive the night. Original image by SOFREP based on a real-life overly whiny individual.

Sweat Equity

Veterans, meanwhile, have been spotted observing this seasonal meltdown with bemused expressions and the occasional eye-roll. Reports indicate that many have had to stifle laughter as they reminisce about their own sunny vacations in places like Kuwait and Iraq, where “heat index” is less a measure and more a suggestion that the thermometer gave up and melted into a puddle.

“We used to call this ‘Tuesday,’” commented retired Staff Sergeant Joe H., wiping away a tear of nostalgic mirth. “120 degrees in the shade, full gear, and Shamal winds that felt like they came straight from Satan’s nostrils. But sure, Karen, tell me more about your sweltering walk from Starbucks back to your electric Lexus. Be sure to look out for IEDs and snipers on your way back to the condo.” he smirked.

The introduction of the term “dry heat” into the civilian lexicon has only added fuel to the fire. “Oh, it’s just a dry heat!” exclaimed Gen Z dude Kyle R. as he adjusted his $400 Tom Ford sunglasses and took another sip of his frozen daiquiri. Veterans were quick to point out that dry heat or wet heat is all the same when you’re effectively slow-cooking in your own sweat and stink.

“Dry heat my ass,” said Marine Corporal Lisa M., now retired. “Try wearing 60 pounds of gear in 120-degree weather with no AC, and then talk to me about dry heat. Your backyard barbecue is not a comparable combat zone, Barbie.”

Fashion also seems to be a battlefield of its own. While civilians bemoan the necessity of anything more than a swimsuit, veterans fondly recall the days of their fashionable full-body sauna suits—otherwise known as uniforms and body armor. “I used to dream about shorts and a tank top,” said Private First Class Mike T. “Now, I want to punch someone in the face when they complain because their feet are sweating in their crocs.”

From the air-conditioned comfort of their suburban homes, civilians can rest easy, confident that their suffering is unparalleled in the first world. Meanwhile, veterans across the nation continue to smile knowingly, perhaps slipping in a story or two about those idyllic days in the desert where AC was as real as bigfoot and water from our CamelBak was warm enough to brew tea.

“Ah, the innocence of it all,” mused Sergeant First Class Tony J. as he scrolled through the latest heat wave hysteria on Facebook. “I remember when our “air conditioning” was about the same as a hairdryer set to ‘low.’ But sure, let’s hear about how your office AC is about as effective as a politician’s promise. ”

So next time a friend dramatically declares they’re “literally dying from the heat,” veterans suggest a gentle pat on the back and a friendly, “Bless your heart.” And maybe, just maybe, a reminder to hydrate. After all, it’s the veteran way.

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Disclaimer: SOFREP utilizes AI for image generation and article research. Occasionally, it’s like handing a chimpanzee the keys to your liquor cabinet. It’s not always perfect and if a mistake is made, we own up to it full stop. In a world where information comes at us in tidal waves, it is an important tool that helps us sift through the brass for live rounds.