“We just feel,” the County Sheriff stated, “that 12 masturbations are sufficient grounds to put our foot down and really throw the book at these jack-offs — I mean enough is enough! You want to dance in this county, you’re gonna have to pay the band!” Huffed the crime-hardened sheriff.
When asked why the 13th instance was added to the one dozen figure he replied: “Well, we just threw that in as a bonus for the perpetrator — we’re not monsters you know!”
(News link courtesy of SOFREP reader Mic-Mac)
The link above is a brief clip of Joe Biden quoting from The Thing of the United States of America. The Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the Thing have been stored in a special 50-ton steel and concrete vault since they were transferred to the National Archives Building from the Library of Congress in 1952.
Then again in this clip, Joe confuses his wife with his sister. For me, the confusion was awkward enough but Joe’s recovery — or lack thereof — was equally awkward: “They switched on me, they switched on me!” As Delta Force badass Patrick Arther McNamara said recently of another person afflicted by ostensibly the same demise: “He’s losin’ his marbles, yep… losin’ his marbles.”
“By the way, this is my little sister, Valerie, and I’m Joe’s husband…” Did I really hear that right?
Oh, sure… by some incredible freak “accident” wine started pouring from the taps of houses in the small town of Settecani, Italy. I’m not buying it folks — and linguini started falling from the heavens. Like, what else would the Italians dream of having pour from their sink instead of water — coconut milk?
“Can you explain this??” exclaimed a health official at the sink of a local man.
“Si, it’s-a Lambrusco Grasparossa, a nice little-a table a-wine — goes-a molto bene with marinera!”
There’s no scientific or engineering explanation for the incident, just some pipes got crossed up between the water company and a local winery and — presto! In the U.S. we have a rigorously sophisticated infrastructure to keep potable water and sewage from mixing — only in Italy does wine get spilled into their water supply.
A clearer explanation was obtained by officials conducting an investigation at the local water plant when one of the investigators threw open a utility room door to find a red-faced Jesus of Nazareth hiding inside:
“Okay, the gig is up, Jesus… up to your ol’ tricks again — eh, your Holiness?”
“Please don’t tell my Dad!” our Lord and Savior pleaded.
“Oh, I think he probably already knows — don’t you??”
(News link courtesy of SOFREP reader Mic-Mac)
This business in Baltimore seems to feel threatened with going under by the amount and length of breaks that its employees are taking in the bathroom. It seems that the workers will go sit in the bathroom for long periods of time not actually engaging in bathroom-appropriate functions — but rather chatting on their smartphones.
It may not seem possible that the issue is of sufficient magnitude to ruin a business, but this particular business feels so threatened to the degree that they assigned their lowest ranking employee to conduct “smell checks” in the bathrooms to ensure that their employees are indeed pinching loaves and not just catching up with mom-n-em.
Employees who fail to emanate the smell of shite will be put on the report to the company CEO.
A few things spring immediately to mind:
“Ok… this is the company sniffer… I don’t know who’s in there but I don’t smell any shit in there. You have just five minutes to produce an obnoxious odor or I’m adding you to my report!”
“That is correct Sir, the employees are bringing in feces from home sealed in plastic bags and opening them in the bathroom while they talk on their phones.”
“This is the company sniffer… Oh, merciful mother in heaven it smells so God-awful bad in here — good job, comrade Williams!”
“That is correct Sir, employee Rupert Perkins has been bringing his shit from home in sealed plastic bags and selling it for $7.00 per lb or $13.00 for two lbs.”
“To employee XXX:
you are being terminated from your tenure with Spacely Sprockets for voluntarily creating the illusion of taking a dump while on company time. It is for that reason that management has lost trust in your ability to perform your duties in an efficient and honest manner.”
“My God it stinks in here… is that you in there Millie? Is that you? I can see your shoes and those are Millie’s shoes so it must be you in there, Millie!”
“I’m the company sniffer and I’m reporting you to management.
“I don’t give a shit.”
“Yes, that’s why I’m reporting you, phone-boy!”
(News link courtesy of SOFREP reader Mic-Mac)
Hindus drink cow urine to ward off Coronavirus
Here in the U.S., the nation has its finest mechanics working on a chemical antidote for the virus… with their double helical, peptide chained, methydyethylphosphate-induced, 2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile-havin’, strong covalent bond-producing mumbo-jumo… and over in India this whole time they have had the solution. If you were wondering why the cow urine shelves at your grocery stores are stripped bare, here’s the reason:
“Come Krishna and Vishwajeet; let us go and drink cow pee.”
(News link courtesy of SOFREP reader Mander)
In honor of Chief Greg “Gravy” Coker, the Geo Winchester cartoon T-Shirt
By Almighty God and with honor,
geo sends
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