Man threatens to blow self and car up next to Pentagon
This is a non-story. It’s a story that isn’t. It’s jackass journalism. This probably started out as: “Man has barricaded himself in his car next to the Pentagon, but he is not making any demands and nobody is paying any attention to him.” Why hell, I’m actually doing that right now! So when this Moronosaurus-Rex wasn’t getting any attention sitting in his car he gets out and sticks a rag into the gas tube and threatens to light it.
Now, will that even work… lighting a rag like a fuse sticking out of a gas tank? Oh, yes it sure will, especially if the rag is first soaked in a flammable like, say — GAS! It will blow sky-high yes, I have done it. Mind you, I was on a legally sanctioned demolitions range training with the Delta Force, and not parked next to the Pentagon.
Even if the lower Paleozoic punk had managed to detonate that car — which wasn’t even his — the crusty Colonels on the inside would probably just stand there gawking at the fireball through their office windows sipping coffee: “Pshhh… that ain’t shit, son… I was on duty here on 9-11!”
First Coronavirus Fatality in the U.S
“It’s one, two, three — what are we fightin’ for?
Me I don’t give a damn, I’m depending on Uncle Sam!
And it’s five, six, seven — open up the pearly gates
Well, there ain’t no time to wonder why — we’re all gonna die!”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m as much in favor of a pointless full-caliber panic as the next dork. I’m as much in favor of losing my feces over COVID-19 as I am losing them over a halt in new technology advances from Al Gore. The only thing standing between me and catastrophic mayhem are the figures.
According to the CDC: “the overall flu-related hospitalization rate in the United States is 41.9 cases per 100,000 people, which is similar to what has been seen at this time during recent seasons. There have been 6.8 percent of deaths attributed to pneumonia and the flu. And 7.3 percent is the threshold for classifying a virus as being an epidemic.”
I would venture to say with a formidable degree of confidence that one fatality in the U.S. is yet a bit too far to the right of the decimal point to call in artillery on our own positions. At the same time, I stand to bear a striking resemblance to scores of voodoo dolls for my insolence.
This custom tombstone was probably found somewhere in a local Washington cemetery today.
10-year-old boy was accidentally shot by his babysitter
We remind ourselves routinely of the threat of firearms at a private residence. In many cases, young kids get them and, not able to understand the function or estimate the consequences, end up shooting themselves or someone else. But let’s shift the blame from the kids for a moment and treat ourselves to this past-shelf-life bag of guts — 19 years old is an adult, so… where’s your Messiah now, Flanders??
Yes, so 19-year-old Stupidosaurus-Rex finds a gun in the residence where she is babysitting a 10-year-old relative. She starts taking gangsta poses with the gat, has a negligent discharge hitting the boy in the stomach. This “woman” IS THE RESULT of a negligent discharge some 19 years earlier! She probably had every bit of the $7.00 she had in her purse pinched between her cleavage to look even mo gangsta.
My favorite part of the whole story was when Senior Deputy Thomas Gilliland imparted this epic frame of wisdom to a CNN reporter, nicely summarizing the whole unfortunate incident with this remarkably insightful solution:
“Taking selfies was not the best thing to be doing.”
That epiphany totally separates the Tweedle-Dees from the Tweedle-Dumbs. He’s right you know, that Deputy Gilliland is… here we are with the Coronavirus scourge about to descend upon us and we are caught red-handed, with our pants down, taking selfies — don’t you ever die, Thomas!!
Woman denies ownership of meth found in her vagina
We all lose things now and then; misplace and forget where we put them. Sometimes we inadvertently put things in the wrong place.
“Oh snap… me, I put the ranch dressing in the cupboard instead of back in the fridge — now it’s spoiled!”
I’m the worst about it. We all have the same capacity for memory. I speak seven(?) foreign languages but I can never at one time tell you where my car keys and wallet are. Perhaps one or the other, but never both at the same time. But — and this is a huge but — never at any time have I ever been walking along and have both of those things fall out of my ass — “Woah, how the hell did those get in there?? And wait, those aren’t even my wallet or keys!”
“Aw hell… where the hell did I set my beer now — hey Bill, did I leave my beer in there?”
“Nope, don’t see it in here, geo.”
“Well, where the hell could it be then?”
“I guess if it were up your ass you’d know.”
“GOOD CHRIST!! How in the… never mind, Bill — found it!”
Yeah you know, personal inventory and accountability just don’t ever really get that far derailed. I see cop shows very often and as soon as toads get caught with dope in their car they swear it isn’t theirs. They claim to have had people in and out of their car all day so it must belong to one of them. This is marginally believable, but in this case, we are talking about a bodily cavity:
“Gosh, officer… there have been so many people running in and out of there all day, any one of them could have dropped the meth there in their mad dash to get back to the office!”
It is never essential (to me) for you all to believe me, but I saw the male version of this story on AE Live PD on YouTube last-freakin-night! I jumped back in my browser just about 10 windows and found it! Check this out before we conclude.
The cop says one flippant but very important thing to the lying toad sack of shit:
“Fruit of the Loom didn’t sell you them draws like that!”
Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you! The cop is correct and I did some modest research on my own online in the realm of women’s apparel, and this is what I found:
So there it is, all laid out dress-right-dress for you all. There is no denying knowledge of crank dubs discovered in your body cavities. The day that plea will ever bode well in court is the day that monkeys will fly out of my ass — how the hell did those get up there??
Man arrested for urinating in ice machine
Folks, Michael William, 28 years old from Pinellas County, Florida, hates people. He hates them a whole lot! He hates us all so much that he was born again into a world where peeing in a night club ice maker held the only possibility for his happiness. And it’s bad enough that anyone peed in the ice machine but why did it have to be that butt-ugly turd with legs and fly doo? Why couldn’t it have at least been a good-looking dude — like Tom Cruise? Yooz ladies are on your own; I don’t know who yooz would want peeing on your ice — very tough call though!
Et en fin, mes amis, here is one for our Aussie friends I threw together under a new format I’m calling: “Cobblings for Cobbers”
By Almighty God and with honor,
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