A quick Google search of dependapotamus retrieves around 37,000 results. That’s a lot of dependas!

Dependapotamus is a (surprise!), derogatory term for military spouses that stay at home, eating bon-bons and watching TV all day while their spouses work hard in uniform. Typically portrayed as overweight women, the (not at all) elusive dependapotaamus comes in the male variety, too.


Natural Habitat

Often seen in the BX and commissary, the wild dependapotamus, dependa for short, is indigenous to military bases worldwide. These majestic creatures do not flourish in the wild, however; they require the loving attention of a military handler in order to achieve their true potential. Immature dependas are often found in bars and clubs around military installations, congregating in large numbers, especially around Army and Navy bases.

Traveling in packs, these dependas, known in some areas as Tricareatops, work together to poach unsuspecting Soldiers and Sailors from their battle buddies. As teams, these groups circle the waters, ingesting information to determine which Sailor or Soldier is looking to get out of the dorms. Once a target has been acquired, the team moves in, engaging buddies until the target has been isolated. That is when the immature dependa moves in for the kill (kiss).

Tricareatops (Karen Tricareatops, facebook.com/DoDDependaBeneficiary)


Dependa Prey

The unsuspecting Airman (yeah, the Air Force is not immune) sees this vision, this vision of Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH), and Basic Allowance for Subsistence (BAS), and NO MORE DORM INSPECTIONS! She (or he) is standing before them, a beacon of non-communal bathrooms, and some guy NOT playing weird German techno at full volume at 0300 next door. This vision, with credit card debt, bad credit score, and absolutely zero prospects, has become soulmate and savior within the space of a six-pack and an enthusiastic WAP karaoke experience.

Quickly, the dependapotamus moves in for the kill. The prey believes themselves to be the hunter, but this is not the case. With cunning guile, the stalking dependa whispers “Let’s go back to your dorm,” and the prey is thereby lost. Using only the lizard brain, the prey then leads himself or herself off to their doom. Only a few fumbling hours later, the seed is planted that will grow into the roots of this tangled tree.