Putting aside the ickiness of prostitution, these SS guys were total morons. First off, the whole scandal came to light because the one dope refused to pay his hooker the 800$ (!!!!!!) that he had agreed to pay her, and pissed her off enough to go to the cops. From this, we can learn two things. One: 800$ is WAY too much to pay a hooker. I mean, you’re in Colombia, aren’t you? This should be cheap as hell. For 800$, not only should the guy gotten sex, she should have built him a new deck on his house or something. That is ludicrous. Two: Pay the hooker, man. Is that really a road you want to go down, especially when you know you could be fired for it?

I kind of felt bad for the Army SF guys that got roped into this scandal with these clowns, because I’m pretty sure they’ve been down in South America for decades doing this kind of shit, and never had any problems. Probably because they maintained a cover story, and probably also, they paid the goddamn hookers. Yet, the first time they STUPIDLY invited the SS to hang out with them, it all went to shit.

Understand that the Secret Service is a dull job. There haven’t been too many attacks on POTUS, so there’s a lot of travel, and nothing to do, which is the ultimate combination for men to get into trouble. And the types of guys who take these jobs tend to be those alpha-male sort of guys, the guys who crave action and adventure. That’s the type of guy you want when shit goes down, be it SS, or military, police, or security contractor types. You combine all that with the ready availability of young prostitutes, and this is what’s going to happen. Believe me, I could tell some stories. Not of me, of course. I DON’T PAY.

But yeah, I’ve seen it plenty of times on trips back and forth to the middle east. You walk into a bar in Dubai and there’s like 3 guys in there, and about 50 women in high heels and dresses that barely cover up anything. And you have a guy who has just spent 4 months in the desert, surrounded by burly men and almost zero women, and drop him into that situation? Let’s just say that they have to replenish the ATMs in the lobby on the reg.

If you go over to Radar Online, they have links to a lot of the juicer emails, which I have pored over in my attempt to bring you people the latest in outrageous and sexy news. There’s a lot of that “redacted”  bullshit, but they’re still pretty entertaining. Let’s check ’em out:

Here we go again. I don’t understand, how in this day and age, these guys insist on using their government computers to solicit women for sex. Especially FOREIGN women, ya dopes. That is great stuff, though. Note the redaction in that last sentence. “…and nude pictures of (redacted) himself.” What are those missing words??? “Him Pleasuring?” Or, maybe, “Him FISTING?” Who knows, really… if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s to never underestimate the depths of people’s personal sexual kinks. Great job, fella. Let’s move on.

“A male Secret Service Agent assigned to Puerto Rico had his issued firearm stolen by a male prostitute who he solicited online,” reads one sensational report dated May 2, 2014.

“Inspectors conducted a review of his issued laptop and discovered the solicitation was made using his government computer…The weapon has not been recovered.”

This was a good one. Now, I will say this: At least this guy had self-respect enough to resign. I can’t imagine the ridicule he would face at the office. It’s bad enough that he was trying to track down a bit of Road Dong, but even worse is that the gigalo stole his weapon. And I’m just guessing here, but I’m going to speculate that this particular individual did NOT identify outwardly as a gay man. Otherwise, he probably wouldn’t be so embarrassed. Remember, only top professionals in Federal Law Enforcement can be trusted with the safekeeping of guns.

Let’s move on:

Lots of stories about people getting busted for drunk driving, and having the charges covered up. But who knows if the guy was even charged? This dude crashed into the Verizon Center, which is in Washington D.C., so maybe the local DC cops did him a favor and pretended not to smell the Jack Daniel’s on his breath. I just assume that these guys help each other out that way. Think of it as one of the many unwritten perks of the job. Of course, it the local cop giving you the breathalyzer is some teetotaling fanatic, you’re screwed. But given that cops love to drink as much as they love to pass around underage hookers like free candy diligently enforce the law, the odds are good they’ll look the other way.

Let’s return to Colombia. (Side note: Colombia sounds pretty awesome.)

“May or may not have been.” There’s an old saying that I just made up: If you have to ask if she’s a prostitute, she’s probably a prostitute.

Here, we see one of the major points that came out of all of the emails. The SS cultivated an insider’s club, which, again, is hardly unique to them. There is a culture in all of these male-dominated professions that you don’t quite trust the guy that you’ve never seen doing any dirt, because then you don’t have any dirt on each other. That’s the ultimate safety, the Mutually Assured Destruction principle. If I go down, we all go down. Usually works pretty well.

“At least three sexual harassment charges agains him.” Buddy, take it down a notch.

BAHAHAHAHA. This is unbelievable. So dude is banging a local national IN THE EMBASSY and gets nabbed. Now, for most people, that would be an automatic firing. It must be nice to be a federal employee. You seriously almost have to murder someone in front of the President to get fired. Even then, civil service protections and the public employee union will go to bat for you. You wonder why we can’t fix the VA? This is why.

This is why I wish this shit wasn’t redacted. I wonder if it’s the same guy in both of those paragraphs. Probably. So he gets caught red-handed in his office choking the chicken, huh? That is gold. I gotta HAND it to him on the proposition, though. I mean, what else are you going to say in that situation? Might as well swing for the fences. “Finish him off.” Good god. And is this some sort of visiting law enforcement official or something who caught him? He threatened to have her deported, so it’s a safe bet that she’s a foreigner.

Sounds like this guy has all sorts of kinky shit going on. First, he’s got child porn on him. Probably underage girls; that seems to be a recurring theme throughout the emails. The SS boys like ’em young. Second, he has “unusual sexual encounters?” I demand more answers on that part. Pity that this wasn’t laid out in greater detail.

Pro tip, men: Leave the prostitutes back at the hotel room. Under no circumstances should you allow them to escort you to the airport. Yes, you may think you look cool and all swaggy with your arm-candy, but the secret is out at that point. You know, if there was one group of federal employees I thought I would never have to explain the importance of being the Grey Man to, it would be the SS. Jeez.

Also, it’s USUALLY poor form to take out your genitals and start, uh, pleasuring yourself in front of a female. Maybe the agents mix up who is a prostitute and who is a female co-worker? 99% of the time, that is going to end badly for you. Those are poor odds. Also, it would help if you have determined the exposee’s immigration status BEFORE you try the deportation card. And they allowed him to take sick leave for a year before retirement??? So this is a guy in his forties, at least! Still pulling out the old twig and berries hoping for a proper rodgering.

Look at the balls on this guy. You know that there are no fucks given when dude feels it’s not a big deal to try and pay for a hooker while driving a MARKED SS VEHICLE. I would have loved to have seen the look on his face when the female cop clapped the bracelets on him. Charges were probably dropped.

There are many others that are entertaining at the link that Radar online had right here.  Feel free to go indulge yourself. In closing, some friendly advice for the Secret Service: Maybe use a little more OPSEC when it comes to the drinking and driving, underage prostitutes, and office masturbation?

First female officers to attend Army Special Forces selection:

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. | Two female Army officers will make history when they report to Fort Bragg, North Carolina, in their first step toward earning the Special Forces tab and becoming Green Berets.

The female officers, whom Army officials declined to identify, could attend their first Special Forces Assessment and Selection (SFAS) class as early as October, though neither has yet received orders for training at Fort Bragg, The Washington Times has learned.

Col. Nestor A. Sadler, commandant of the Special Forces Regiment at the U.S. Army John F. Kennedy Special Warfare Center School at Fort Bragg, confirmed that the two female candidates had accepted invitations for the SFAS class.

“Two females met the requirements for SFAS and were nominated by the ARSOF [Army Special Operations Forces selection] panel to attend SFAS. One candidate declined her invitation and withdrew from the process. Special Forces Branch asked why. On the last day to accept or decline the invitation, she changed her mind and accepted the invitation to attend SFAS,” Col. Sadler said.

I have been informed by the many SF guys I currently work with that there is no way in hell a female officer would be able to run an ODA (Operational Detachment Alpha.) This opinion is roughly 100% across the board. Look at that group of bearded operators up there. You really think some woman is going to come into THAT environment and tell these guys what to do? LOLz.

I’ve made no secret that I am completely against this. But at this point, it doesn’t matter what I think. The object here, as always, is not to make a stronger military, but to continue to erode the military’s fighting prowess in the name of some bizarre social justice crusade. So go ahead and do it already. Put together a female squad and send them to Afghanistan. A disaster may be the only thing to put a halt to this bullshit.

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It's like he can hear me yelling thru the screen to turn around and square away Frau Heidi from dispatch #Munich pic.twitter.com/LNUxCSRkw4

— BK (@BKactual) July 22, 2016

As I’ve said, I can’t take writing about the constant terror attacks in Europe anymore. I did bring it up a bit in my weekly podcast ranting, but how many times can I write the same thing? It does appear that the Munich attack is more related to some loser lone nut, but I trust the German authorities as much as I would trust Frau Heidi up there standing behind me with her 9mm raised up for a little Das ShootenFasten.

Yeah, I realize that she is probably offset from the guy. But from the way she’s chicken-winging that MP-5, I wouldn’t want her anywhere near my six if the gunfight broke out. And what’s up with the reflective vests on the German cops? You’re responding to a mass shooter, not fixing a broken water pipe. Get it together.

John Kerry, have a seat:

Secretary of State John Kerry said in Vienna on Friday that air conditioners and refrigerators are as big of a threat to life as the threat of terrorism posed by groups like the Islamic State.

The Washington Examiner reported that Kerry was in Vienna to amend the 1987 Montreal Protocol that would phase out hydrofluorocarbons, or HFCs, from basic household and commercial appliances like air conditioners, refrigerators, and inhalers.

“As we were working together on the challenge of [ISIS] and terrorism,” Kerry said. “It’s hard for some people to grasp it, but what we–you–are doing here right now is of equal importance because it has the ability to literally save life on the planet itself.”

I’ll probably never type this sentence again in my life: I agree with John Kerry. As a matter of fact, he should really take the lead on this very important crusade. I call on him to immediately remove all heating and cooling systems from every state department compound in the world. WE CAN FIGHT THIS SCOURGE TOGETHER, MR. SECRETARY.

A nation of infants:

We get it. Pokémon Go has officially become a national obsession. Many of us may be struggling to keep a game-life balance in place. But let’s all spare a moment to thank our lucky stars that we’re not the State Department reporter who got called out for playing the game in what may be the most embarrassing way possible — in the middle of a briefing on U.S. efforts to fight the Islamic State.

U.S. State Department spokesman John Kirby stopped mid-briefing to call out the unnamed reporter for checking the app during the briefing. The reporter said he was “just checking” the app — so, in his defense, it’s not as if he were positioning a Pikachu at the podium with his smartphone camera.

Then Kirby brought it up again, before taking questions on his statement. “Did you get one?” Kirby asked. “No,” the reporter replied. (The video doesn’t show his face, but one can only assume his face was as red and hot as the flame on a Charmander’s tail.)

“The signal is not very good,” the reporter added, by way of explanation.

I want to know who this guy is. What the hell is happening to adults? Honestly, if you’re over the age of 25 and you’re caught playing Pokemon Go, I really feel that you should be executed on the spot. Or, even better, we should bring back the cattle cars, load every “adult” into them, and ship them off to the death camps. Too harsh? God, I hate the time we are living in now.

Army NCOs in racist attack by Black Lives Matter supporters:

A U.S. Army National Guard staff sergeant says he and one of his Army veteran friends were assaulted by Black Lives Matter supporters in San Antonio, Texas, Thursday Evening. “As I was getting my face stomped in and thrown through a window, they (all 4 of them) were yelling racial slurs saying how whites sucked and black lives were better,” Marc Stephen, the second victim, said on Facebook.

Stephen went on to say the San Antonio police were of little help and that they two veterans had to Uber to the hospital. He did not say what his injuries were.

Johnson said he received a broken nose and cheekbone. He said he and his military veteran friend were hospitalized. Johnson said he received eight stitches on his face and several staples to the back of his head.

Really nice, San Antonio PD. Man, it just shows you that racist attacks against white guys are not really taken seriously. If the races were reversed, Loretta Lynch would already be down in Texas castrating ever suspect herself. There is a lot of hostility out there. I suggest you arm yourselves accordingly. Of course, I live in the Most Glorious People’s Republic of California, so I am forced to defend myself using only my gift of gab and my devastating round house kicks to the face.

Former SF soldier goes Trans:

A former macho US Special Forces soldier has revealed she is finally happy in her body – after transitioning to become a woman.

Alana McLaughlin, 32, from Portland, Oregon, was born a boy called Ryan and enlisted in the army in a bid to ‘become a man’ or to be killed.

Now a transgender woman, Alana was once so anguished over her failure to fit in, she hacked into her own chest with a scalpel shortly after leaving the army in 2010.

‘I wanted very much to be actively engaged in combat so I would have the opportunity to get myself killed. I view it as passive suicide.

She added: ‘I fought, shot, lifted weights, I grew beards and I rode a Harley and it didn’t change anything. I would still cry myself to sleep at night.

‘I just sort of constructed this false personality that was just a combination of action heroes that I could think of, very much the stoic violent, male type.

Alana began her transition again in earnest in 2012, having a range of surgeries including a breast augmentation, facial feminisation surgery and sex reassignment surgery.

She explained: ‘I wouldn’t say that I felt like I was in the wrong body as much as I was in the wrong role. Gender boils down to a lot more than just your physical form.’

Alana says that the surgery to appear more feminine is less about vanity and more about fitting in with societies norms.

Freaking brutal. Longtime readers of the roundup will know that I am fascinated with the subject of Transgenderism. Although I do not believe that the surgery will help, and disapprove of it as means of therapy, I feel a lot of compassion for these individuals. I mean, you can’t help the way you’re born. It must be terrifying. I hope that McLaughlin finds peace.

Bust Out Another Thousand:

The U.S. Navy’s $12.9 billion U.S.S. Gerald R. Ford is years behind schedule, billions over budget and still not ready for war, documents revealed Wednesday.

The Pentagon’s top weapons tester wrote in an internal memo obtained by Bloomberg News that the Navy’s newest carrier and most expensive warship ever has poor or unknown reliability when it comes to launching and recovering aircraft, defending itself and moving munitions.

Navy officials said last week that the ship, originally slated for a September 2014 rollout, wouldn’t be finished before November, and the new revelations mean it may be further delayed…

…The announcement of the production delays followed a July 6 analysis by the D.O.D. Inspector General finding the cost of the Navy’s program covering arresting gear for snagging landing aircraft on ships like the Ford had grown $571.5 million over 2005 projections…

..McCain said. “After more than $2.3 billion in cost overruns have increased its cost to nearly $13 billion, the taxpayers deserve to know when CVN-78 will actually be delivered, how much developmental risk remains in the program, if cost overruns will continue, and who is being held accountable.”

I can answer those questions for you, Senator McCain: Nobody know, a shitload, abso-freaking-lutely, and nobody. I know those are brief answers, but I’m confident in their accuracy.

MARSOC to name schoolhouse after Navy Cross recipient:

Marine Corps Forces Special Operations Command will rename the schoolhouse where it trains special operators in honor of a fallen Navy Cross recipient.

MARSOC will call the unnamed facility Gifford Hall on July 27 after Gunnery Sgt. Jonathan Gifford, a fallen Raider who was posthumously awarded the service’s second-highest valor award, according to a Marine Corps news release.

A statue of Gifford, who worked at the schoolhouse as chief instructor of MARSOC’s advanced sniper course, will be unveiled at ceremony aboard Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. Speakers will include Col. Brett Bourne, the school’s commanding officer, and Gifford’s former teammates.

On July 29, 2012, the 34-year-old team chief with 2nd Marine Raider Battalion was on a morning patrol near the town of Bala Bokan, when three of the Afghan commandos he was advising were hit by small-arms fire.

Gifford immediately jumped onto an all-terrain vehicle, according to his citation, and braved incoming fire as he rode nearly 900 yards to aid the wounded Afghans. He and another Raider were able to move them to a landing zone so they could be evacuated for care. Gifford then crossed back over the same open terrain to help the rest of the Afghan commandos who were fighting back against the insurgents.

He led the counterattack, climbing on top of the building filled with insurgents to drop a grenade down the chimney, his citation states. He continued to fight back until he was mortally wounded by enemy machine gunfire.

The very best people the United States produces. RIP to Gunny Gifford. Dude dropped a grenade down a chimney.

Air Force amputee pilot returns to duty:

Capt. Christy Wise frantically waved her headlamp flashlight to alert a boat jetting toward her to turn away. But Wise, a HC-130J rescue squadron pilot, quickly realizing it was too late, dove as far down to save herself. When she surfaced, she knew the boat’s propeller had severed her right leg.

Almost a year later, Wise — who thought it would be the end of her pilot career — is back in the cockpit, and flew her first mission Friday at Moody Air Force Base, Georgia, where she is stationed. She is the first female Air Force amputee to return to flight, the service said.

“I have been blown away with the amount of support I’ve had to … achieve my goals,” Wise told Air Force Times on July 21.

On April 11, 2015, she and her boyfriend were paddleboarding in a cove near Shalimar, Florida. “When I surfaced I immediately thought, ‘Dang it, I should have had a brighter flashlight’,” Wise said. But she later learned it was a hit-and-run accident as the boat did not stop or slow down…

…Before her first flight was approved, Wise achieved many milestones: She recently passed her physical training test, running — not walking — the 1.5-mile run test in 13.54 minutes.

That’s outstanding. I understand that Captain Wise routinely works with our Pararescuemen down there in Moody. Good to have you back, Captain. And for all of you fatties: Chick passed the PT test with one leg. Your excuse is invalid.

Aren’t you kind of asking for this if you own a hot tub?

VENTURA, Calif. — A California man was arrested Tuesday after trespassing onto another man’s property to use the backyard Jacuzzi while naked.

Authorities said the incident happened around 8:28 p.m. in the 1800 block of Channel Drive.

A homeowner said he heard noises in his backyard. When he went outside, he saw the suspect in his Jacuzzi.

The suspect, later identified as 47-year-old Travis Jones, quickly ran out of the backyard and jumped onto the roof of a neighboring house.

“He climbed up the ladder and onto the roof and he’s standing up there with his antics,” neighbor Hans Walter explained.

The homeowner called police who responded and quickly located Jones on the roof.

He was taken into custody and arrested on suspicion of prowling, being under the influence of a controlled substance and a parole violation

I’m shocked, SHOCKED that a naked man trying to use a hot tub in Cali was on parole. Or on a controlled substance. I can’t believe in anything anymore.

@BKactual