Attention: this essay contains language and images that may be offensive to some.

Maskless Madman Menaces McDonald’s, Amasses Malice, Makes Mockery of Metropolis

Sometimes you CAN judge a book by its cover.

Jason Daddario of Brooklyn, Conn. It wasn’t exactly that he came, he saw, he conquered… It was more like he came to McDonald’s, threw a hissy bitch-fit, smashed a window, then stole some panties. I swear if there is one more story about stealing panties, SOFREP’s Mason Flake is going to swallow his tongue and fall over backward.

I submit to you that I don’t get the allure of stealing undergarments, and I should be glad that I don’t get it. This guy stole them from a store. You can just buy them, right? I think that’s how that works: You give the clerk some money, and the clerk rewards you with some panties — zero-sum game! Perhaps it’s the thrill of the steal — you get that Beavis and Butthead breakin’ the law thrill.

It impacts me that the creepier these doltish ingrates look, the pettier and senseless the infractions they commit. Jake, rocking his sassy Dorothy Hammil hairdo, was refused service at McDonald’s because he wasn’t complying with health regulations and wearing a face mask. He immediately engaged in a hissy-fit solution and smashed a store window with a rock.

To farther ram his point(?) home, he showed them all by running to a nearby store and stealing a fistful of woman’s unmentionables, whereby he returned to McDee’s, held up the underwear and shouted:

“Who’s a moron now, sons of bitches!”

(Cop in restaurant responding to shattered window complaint, grabbing Jake’s wrist:) “You are, pal — you have the right to remain silent…”