Odd Ass Objects Tribute to SOFREP reader Mr. Mason F.

An empty bottle meandered its way into this victim’s rectum

It’s astonishing how many people are slipping whilst naked these days and falling on a stunning array of disparate objects and having them end up in their rectums. I’m baffled. Doctors will tell you that slipping and falling while naked is the primary explanation offered by patients in emergency rooms for how that box of Tide — for instance — ended up in their ass. Why do Docs even ask how it happened? Does the answer have a bearing on how the object will be removed — no.

Maybe they’re looking for some ideas for their next Medical Safety Bulletin:

“Homemakers, when baking cookies be cognizant of the propensity for rolling pins to becomes suddenly and unexpectedly lodged in the rectal area when rolling dough!”

“Funny thing, Doc… I was in the garage doing some carpentry when I tripped on an electrical cord and fell right on top of my power drill. — NUDE carpentry… I forgot to mention I was doing nude carpentry!”

My God, don’t people realize it makes no difference whatsoever how the power drill got into your ass? It won’t affect the way to get the drill out of your ass! Medical staff is only ever asking anyone that question because they are sadistic little creepy nosey perverts. It’s not like:

“Hold on, Dr. Schwantz… the patient just admitted that he/she did not fall on the power drill — he/she intentionally inserted it!”

“My God, Dr. Keester… that means were are going to have to use the modified Duffstein extraction technique!”

“Ok, Mr. Higgenbottom, we’re now going to need to know why you inserted the power drill into your ass.”

That ‘how’ questions from Doctors makes me roll my eyes as hard as when cops ask drivers:

How much have you had to drink this evening?”

“Oh…’bout… two beersh… Ossifer.”

“Oh, hey Bill… this guy has only had two beers — let’s cut him loose! Thank you, Sir; you’re free to go.”

I swear if a cop ever asks me that stupid, stupid, stupid, pointless question I’m going to hold my hands out palms facing each other about a foot apart and say: “About this much, officer.”

Or how about this answer: “You figure it out, Officer.”

Your Weekend News Roundup: Stupid people, Florida man robs Chinese restaurant with hand-pistol, why we can’t have nice things, a man and his rectum

Read Next: Your Weekend News Roundup: Stupid people, Florida man robs Chinese restaurant with hand-pistol, why we can’t have nice things, a man and his rectum

At that point, I might as well remind him that I pay his salary — they like to be reminded of that.

FBI warning on Zoom Video Conference App

I recently did a podcast in preparation for which I was required to download and use the Zoom teleconferencing application. The download and installation/configuration were a real snap, and I was running it in no time at all. Most of us are working from home these days so the need for this sort of application is waxing, but be advised that a nuisance exploit is alive and well in the app and is being investigated by the FBI.

I termed it a nuisance exploit because no real substantial damage was done through it; that is, nothing beyond the occasional unsolicited and uninvited penis drawing dominating the screen of the presenter’s coveted quarterly reports. I don’t know what it is with the phallus, and I don’t know what it means in other cultures, but in America, it is the symbol of complete and utter national humiliation. In China, it’s the poppy; Americans though, we jus’ aren’t that sensitive about flora.

Just a heads up though in case you find yourselves in a position to use Zoom — especially if you are going to be the presenter! Zoom is just another flavor of free teleconference software like Skype. Skype appears to yet have a pretty solid track record.

Folks in the U.S. competing with the Chinese in stupidity Race

Right out of the gate the Chinese were definitely ahead by several body lengths in the race for stupidity. But dark horse Americans put their heads down and let a blind Hail Mary pass cut loose. They were pouring it on in the straightaways and showing just a modicum more prowess at bumping the apexes than the Chinese.

Stupid China was feeling the hot breath of stupid America on the back of its neck as it flooded its afterburners with a dangerously high amount of fuel, risking going bingo with the finish line just in view. Pouring it on with everything it had, China made on last-ditch effort to shave off those last few tenths of a second from their quarter-mile qualifying time to edge out the U.S., to the unfortunate extent that it lost bowel control.

Hell, that’s how we got into this stupidity race in the first place — when China took a dump on… THE ENTIRE THIRD ROCK FROM THE COCK-A-DOODY SUN!!!

It was a photo finish but alas, America was a pointy nose ahead. Oh beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain! Thanks to SOFREP’s sister Mander, we have some photos of the victorious Amcits to show today on The Roundup:

In much the same fashion that an inferno can be classified as a Three-Alarm Fire, this brother took a Three-Shopping Sack Alarm posture as he headed to this grocery store. Little did he know that day that the CV-19 Virus was the least of his worries — he collapsed and was rushed to the hospital where he was pronounced dead due to asphyxiation. asdf
This sister recognized the Very Low Micron Filtering (VLMF) properties of an ordinary kid’s birthday party-style hat — a very well-kept secret among virology circles. Seen here, she was in fact just coming from her child’s birthday party at (up) Chucky Cheese.
This stately squire took a modest risk with his ensemble of Glad garbage bag vest, leggings fashioned from Solo container wrappers, dishwashing gloves from his kitchen sink, and capped it off with a very clever poor kid’s paper sack Halloween mask. It should be noted that the man also robbed that same store as he was leaving.
This off-duty epidemiologist recognized the propensity that her combination of sponge/scouring pad had for “scrubbing” away particles of airborne virus in the air.
Somewhere in this sister’s house there is a comforter laying out collecting dust.
Dearth Vader is in the Army now, he’s not behind a plow… that son-of-a-bitch, he’ll never get rich — he’s in the Army nooow!
This brother is sporting a springtime bonnet idea that he gleaned from watching videos out of Wu Han, China.
Precocious Puff the Magic Dragon puffed out her chest and picked up puffs at the pharmacy perfectly protected in PPE.
The concept is clear but the execution is weak. Personally, if one of those pool noodles touched me, I would pluck it off his head and beat the crap out of him with it. (Photo from Mander.)
“Hell, I don’t know… everybody else was wearing ’em.” Yeeeaaah, if you wouldn’t suck the fingers of your virus protection gloves… yeah, that’d be great. (Photo from Mander)

Security Guard Accidentally Shoots Himself and Teen Girl

This is the exact spot on the train were the accidental shooting took place!

Accidents do happen. I hate “stories” like this. This is not even a story, it’s just a headline with a spurious promise of a story to come. So a guard gets wounded by his own gun and a 16-year-old student gets grazed — not shot — by the same twofer bullet. While it was an economical shooting, it was not at all warranted.

Carrying a pistol in a pocket though — I think we need to talk about that one, Mister guard man. Robert De Niro got away with that in The Irishmen because it was a wheel gun and he was mafia-like a mo-fo, plus it was just a movie.

I knew a doctor who carried a .22 semiautomatic loose in his pocket like… pocket change, there in his pocket with all his… pocket change, car keys, lipstick… etc. He had to pull that thing out of his pocket to show and try to impress me. That is a shame waiting to happen! That fool. At any second of any given day that pea-shooter is likely to be pointed right at his Howard Johnson or his femoral artery. He’s out in the parking lot fumbling for his keys and — POW!!

“Uh-oh, looks like we got ourselves a bleeder — someone, call a doctor!”

“What do you want me to call him?”

“Call him a dip-shit!”

Both the security guard and the teenager, as well as the two families and the investigating officers, were listed by the hospital staff as COVID-19 casualties.

By Almighty God and with honor,
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