Body of dumpster diving woman found
This story is the hands-down winner of the “so many questions” award in the Oddities Category. There is nothing of what I originally thought there would be in this story. It is likely that my version of dumpster diving had already been shaped by my depth of exposure around inner-city homeless folks here in Albuquerque.
This young (30 yo) pretty female — and we all know how much more tragic a news story is in the U.S. when the victim is a pretty young female — belonged to the eclectic breed of hobbyist dumpster divers. I mean, we all need hobbies — right? Hers was a knack for finding the silver lining in the cloud, the diamond in the rough, the treasure in the trash.
My slant? Dumpsters are off-limits to anyone who drives their own car out to go dig through them. If there is something of value in those, let the homeless folks have first bid to profit from it. So I live like a king, but I’m going to snatch a pair of old shoes out of the garbage from a brother with no shoes so I can hang them in my theme garden to give it a rustic and antiquated flair.
Ms. Stephanie Cox
“Dumpster diving is dangerous,” declared the police. Well, I guess it is now because a pretty young woman died doing it. Prior to her misfortune, I found it rather safe — that is unless you’re a well-off guy trying to snatch a homeless bro’s shoes for your theme garden. Yeah, dumpster diving is a deadly affair, deadly in the sense that crocheting an afghan is a deadly affair because you just never know when your ceiling is going to collapse and squash your guts out.
I think that might even be the cops’ pathetic attempt to explain away a very bizarre and unfortunate incident, one that wouldn’t have drawn near the attention it did if the victim hadn’t been so pretty and so female — well, dumpster diving IS, after all, a very precarious undertaking, so that would explain it.
The pinnacle of the baffle for me is the comment from the mother of the victim upon recovery of the body: “miracles really do exist, and finding (Stephanie) today is proof all over again.”
Well, thanks for understanding, mom.
School bans birthday cupcakes
At last, some sense is finally being beaten into maverick Murica: A school district in Seattle has exercised its vastly superior knowledge to finally think through to a solution to the celebratory birthday cupcake scourge. Sadly, it is too late for us parents and grandparents who already suffered the irreversible damage of a constant barrage of cupcakes during our elementary school years. But there is hope for our children, and that hope is sparking in Seattle!
Seattle is pioneering the end to cupcake madness citing the following as the basis for their Hail Mary solution to our child mortality crisis:
Yeah, reason number one we get. How about we have one per month for all the kids with a birthday in that month? But what about the kids who have birthdays in months when school is not in session. It’s just not fair!
Number two — yeah, yeah save the children; we get that.
Number three… it’s JUST NOT FAIR! That’s the baseline of every issue remaining in the country today — it’s just not fair! “Just not fair” is the battle cry of socialism and the most anti-capitalist slogan one can muster. Stop the inequality for the love of God! Give the C-students a B; give the A-students a B, give the losers a trophy for showing up, and stop saying “God”!!
Who really (seriously) even gives a $hite — still in jail!
Boyscouts of America bankrupt from too many legal cases of pedophiliac abuse
Calm down, Folks… nothing to get worried about here. Sure, we have just these few isolated cases of trusted teachers with a westward-leaning penchant for the homosexual raping of our underaged sons. It’s not even like it happens every single day, ya know? Our kids need to get out there and socialize — am I right? They can’t just stay indoors all day playing Gay Call of Booty video games.
Christ, if your kid complains maybe he needs Jesus. Send him to church to be an Alter boy — that’ll straighten the little bastard up — am I right?
Sucks, huh? People just don’t want to see this kind of thing or hear about it. It’s not news, not since Adam became a soccer coach, but it’s (still) here, and it’s (still) queer, and it’s not going away anytime soon.
“It’s debauchery with no left or right limits and a moving center.” George Edward Hand IV
Missouri man faces jail for ISIS plots
Welp, all 28-year-old Robert Lorenzo Hester, Jr. wanted to do was answer the clarion call to his god, the Islamic State (ISIL), by promising to spread terror in his home town in the name of Allah. It was the least he could do as a man of such morbidly strong religious conviction. But since he got caught in the act, his only remaining conviction seems to be that he thinks he’s innocent because he was a victim of bullying and racial discrimination, of child abuse and, let’s see… oh yeah, he didn’t get enough cupcakes in school.
He wasn’t a Boy Scout or an Alter boy so he couldn’t play those cards, but he did play all his victim of capitalism cards and diverted his clarion call to socialism and its automatically adjusting equality. Unfortunately for Bobbie, his clarion-ness is going to have to make do in the very (VERY) capitalistic environment for 20 years known as the pokey — the Po-Po, put Bo-Bo, in the po-po.
Luckily for Bo-bo, the po-po is one of the most socialized environments in the Milky Way. All internal transactions are heavily regulated by the Warden’s Incentives Task Force to guarantee that the same number of cigarettes is charged for sexual favors regardless of social standing. Top versus bottom bunks are assigned on the basis of a two-out-of-three coin toss by the floor CO, with “pitcher” and “catcher” position assigned according to a randomly-generated computer selection app.
You’ll be just fine, Bo-Bo — inshAllah!
Have you solved the Robert Lorenzo Hester, Jr. syndrome yet? I actually have. Bo-Bo is missing an important thing in his life, a thing that our unfortunate victim Ms. Stephanie Cox was NOT missing in hers. The answer is in this very photo below:
That’s right, Bo-Bo needs a wrist rocket. Not so much the wrist rocket per se, but the diversionary activity — he needs a hobby! He needs to carve soapbox derby cars, collect butterflies, play the flute, fly drones, collect stamps, old coins, baseball cards — BOBBY NEEDS A HOBBY!!
But you know, folks, Bobby is not the only one; there are so many “Bobbys” out there that need our guidance. If we could lead our youngsters to find a productive and appealing activity to help them pass their time since they have no jobs and live with us, they might not turn to the clarion calls of the caliphate. Man, those call-answerers are such holy men until they get caught and put in prison with unholy men — then they wish they had bought a set of Leggos.
Hey, I don’t have all the answers, but I think I have some of the best ones… or so I fancy.
Meh! I mean, come on! Really who cares — COME MON!!
11-year old girl gives birth in bath
I know: “geo… we know the country has problems but can you please cut us some slack here??” We went from the winner of the “so many questions” award in the oddities category to the winner of the “somebody has got some serious explaining to do” award in the Deplorable Category. I’m not even going to dissect this garbage — yooz can read it for yourself. I couldn’t help the scenario that ran through my head:
“Hi and welcome to the podcast. I’m your host Stavros Atlamazoglou! First of all, can you just tell us a little about yourself… where you come from and what makes you, YOU?”
“Well, my mom was raped by my then 17-year-old uncle when she was 11-years old. She got pregnant and gave birth to me one evening while taking a bath — here’s a family photo of us; that’s me in the middle and mom on the left, and that’s Uncle Daddy on the right.”
By the heavens that bend above us and by the God that we all adore, deliver us from this world.
By Almighty God and with honor,