Notice: This essay contains no disparaging remarks about China…

I’m just kidding — of course there are some in there!

Remember that time the American Navy intercepted the Japanese navy at Midway? And they wrecked it so bad the Japanese commander felt his guts were better off on the ship’s deck he retreated until his own flagship was bombed right out from under him by Jimmy Thach and his hard-haytin’ posse of aviators? YEAH — me too; I remember that!

Oh, but that was a really long time ago back during WWII, the last war America was ever able to fight successfully. Since then the country has been pouring sons into a wood chipper over a bunch of wishy-washy, ill-defined, ill-dedicated flailing actions that have amounted to Jonathan-diddly-squat.

Nowadays, something is really up with our Navy. Something is really rotten and stinks the high-heavens in Denmark — yeah our Navy must be in Denmark.

Colonel John “Jimmy” Thach.

Remember in 2016 when two Navy riverine boats were captured by the Iranians and put up absolutely no fight whatsoever? Me too; I remember that pretty well.

Remember in the news when the Navy destroyer USS Fitzgerald collided with the Philippine container ship near Japan? Ouch yeah, that really sucked.

Do you recall how Two months later another destroyer — the USS John S. McCain — smashed into a Liberian-flagged tanker near Singapore, resulting in the deaths of 10 sailors. Oh, Lord… that sure was a shame.

And then there was this lil’ peccadillo:

“The first failure was the so-called Fat Leonard affair, an ongoing investigation into the ship support contractor Glenn Defense Marine Asia, a firm in East Asia run by Leonard Glenn Francis, a Malaysian national known as ‘Fat Leonard.’ Francis is alleged to have provided cash, travel expenses, luxury items and prostitutes to numerous American naval officers. In return, the officers provided classified material about the movements of ships and submarines, confidential contracting information, and details of law enforcement investigations. The Washington Post called the scandal ‘perhaps the worst national-security breach of its kind to hit the Navy since the end of the Cold War.'”

Even when the Navy isn’t losing boats and personnel and smashing into things it apparently has a backup plan to screw up internal administrative affairs and create more national embarrassment. Sure, I’m referring to the recent firing of aircraft carrier skipper Brett Cozier. What kind of message does all of this send to Spratley-thievin’ China when one of our aircraft carriers wants to moor in Guam for an entire fortnight of liberty?

“Mother of pearl, we’ve got some fevers and dry unproductive coughs — ABANDON SHIIIIP!!”

Skipper Brett Cozier got “Das Boot” (aha) for dissent and loss of confidence in his ability to lead. He actually really did make a dick move, and it was a real shame that he was so well-liked by his crew. I don’t have so much as a theory on the skipper’s thought process that produced this butthead move of his. Maybe he can write about it in his next book: And I Did it My Way.

Saint Martin’s Press, available in paperback $4.95.

As long as those superior beings, who reside in the rarified gas layer just north of the stratosphere, are in a firing-kinda mood, how about they drop the swing blade on that pompous pretentious piece of poop Secretary of the Navy Thomas “Godly” Modly — ya feel me, dawg? Whenever a person thinks they are of lofty enough status to call one our country’s carrier skippers “too naive or too stupid to command a ship,” it might be time for that brotha to descend back down to where the reality and oxygen are.

Those were the words he used in a broadcast to the crew aboard Cozier’s aircraft carrier. He also chastised the ship’s crew for cheering Skipper Cozier off the ship. Why kind of cock feels it necessary to scold an entire aircraft carrier of ~5,000 people for not behaving just exactly the way he thought they should. Godly Modly also went so far as to leave the crew of the carrier with these words of encouragement:

Thomas Modly Says “Everyone Makes Mistakes” in Carrier Disaster Reflection

Read Next: Thomas Modly Says “Everyone Makes Mistakes” in Carrier Disaster Reflection

I know, what a guy — right… and he’s not even the Secretary, he’s just the acting.

The guy is such a tool. I thought I had seen a big penis when I got internet-coronavirus-pranked by a picture of porn actor Wood, but this Modly guy makes Wood look like he just stepped out of a cold shower. This dick stain Modly is sloppy drunk with power. He needs to be exiled to shovel manure onto a really large potato field for a couple of weeks to remind him that shit stinks and his is no different. How did my confused army bro say it? “If there is a man here who can shit with his pants on, let him stand now and show it.”

And this porn guy Wood… how do you greet him before noon — “Morning, Wood!”?

Start Tangent

On a cop show I recently watched an apprehended meth dealer was trying to plead with the cop for leniency by employing a humanistic angle:

(Meth Man) “Come on maaan cut me some slack… I’m only human — come on we all wear our pants the same, maaan.”

(Cop) “Yeah, I’m really not sure what that’s even supposed to mean.”

I’m tossing a blind assumption that meth man meant: We all put our pants on one leg at a time.

End Tangent

What message does it send the virus-cookin’ China when we fire the skipper of a carrier for anything short of treason during a world crisis? We might need to reach into our reserve pool of 7-11 convenience store cashiers who can stand in as carrier skippers. Yeah I know we don’t have any of those — my point is a carrier skipper is impossibly hard to come by, yet we fire one for failing to get his boat’s shrimp platter chilled down to the proper 58 degrees F in the galley.

Come get us, China; we’ve got our head shoved so far up our ass we have bite marks on our chin!

For the longest time, the only thing our once-proud navy has been able to accomplish is to get tattoos, get a shit-ton of Asian girls pregnant in ports of call, and transmit the largest volume of classified military secrets to the Petri dish of pestilence China. The best thing the fleet has going for it is shit-hot pilots, SEALs, and SWCCs — despite the latter’s occasional light chop on bay waters.

Why the fornicate do I constantly picture the Village People dancing in my head singing a medley of: “In the Naay-veee…” and “It’s fun to stay at the YYYY-M-C-A…?”

Simply fabulouuuus!

Okay so to sum it up, the Army is the Army, the Air Force is the Air Force, the Navy… yeah what in the HELL is the Navy anymore? I wish I had never learned the story of the Battle of Midway because then I wouldn’t have a reference point of how unbelievably great a Navy could be. This present incarnation of it would just be the only Navy I would have ever known. When foreigners IM me asking what the hell is up with the American Navy, I could just tell them:

“Oh, no that’s just our Navy; they’ve pretty much just always been a huhangus screwup — yuk-yuk-yuk!”

By Almighty God and with honor,
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