The “Pucker Factor” (PF) is a scale that seeks to measure fear by the force of contraction exerted on the sphincter muscles surrounding the anus during a given situation of danger. The scale is from 1 to 10.

1 is the normal level, while a 10 Pucker, or PF10, is an anal contraction so strong that it’s audible within a 2 meter radius. It is said to sound like a door being slammed. A 10 Pucker is also said to cause a popping in the ears because of the sudden change of internal pressure within the body. Depending upon the danger stimulus encountered, a Pucker condition can persist for hours, days or even weeks, causing constipation, irritation and other symptoms that vary by subject. A permanent state of 10 Pucker is known to exist in certain people. They are commonly referred to in the military as “Tight Asses,” and in spite of their chronic condition, are afforded little sympathy.

There is also a pre-Pucker in which a tingling sensation is felt in the rectal area in the moments prior to extreme danger, or in anticipation of it. Persons who put too much hotsauce on their MREs will also experience this sensation as the body prepares itself for an explosive, flaming bowel movement. If pre-pucker tingling is experienced when you look at one of your squad mades, you are advised to go and see the Chaplain immediately. (This has been superceded by the repeal of Title 10, United States Code, Section 654, known as Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) NAVADMIN 271/11)

A “Pucker” is also expressed as a unit of mearure in the scale, as in “What was your Pucker on that one? Mine was about a 6.”