‘Murphy’s Law:’ Culture shock crossfire in Iraq

When we got back from that mission, the ISWAT platoon seemed to lose their minds. I caught one guy rummaging around my arms room and another one picking through a closet for food and drink. I came damn close to beating the shit out of both of them. Some remedial training was in order. Every time that platoon screwed up, I would take them on a random training event at a random hour, day or night. From there, they would have to kit up and move out. It was just like SFAS. We would move for an undetermined time and an undetermined distance. Their sad expressions were spectacular. When one of them would quit, I’d tell him not to bother coming back to work.

There were fun times out at FOB Sykes as well. We had quite a cast of characters around us. We had a couple of interpreters who were from a minority group called the Yazidi, from the city of Sinjar. There was a myth that these people were Satan worshippers, a misconception that I believe originated with the 17th century mystic Madam Blavasky, who supposedly tooled around the more austere parts of the world and then pitched those experiences to European bourgeoisie for profit in the form of “spiritualism.” In fact, the Yazidi people practice an ancient religion that predates Islam and Christianity, one that worships a peacock god. They have their own unique traditions and customs.

For instance, our interpreter Gomez told me the story of how his father married his mother via kidnapping. When a Yazidi man wants to marry a Yazidi woman, both families must agree to the union. If the woman’s family doesn’t think the man is good enough, they will refuse. However, there is a loophole in the system. If the couple is quite in love, the man will tell the woman that they’re going to her cousin’s, or something like that, but instead, he will spirit her away to a safe house and hide out, essentially forcing the woman’s family to the negotiation table with his family.

Gomez’s brother, nicknamed McLovin, also worked on the FOB, cleaning up the compound for us. He was learning English very quickly from being around Americans. Our warrant officer took it upon himself to teach McLovin some American colloquialisms, so if you asked him a question, he might answer, “Does a hobbyhorse have a wooden dick?” One day McLovin was taking out the trash and throwing it in the dumpster when an American first sergeant from the military police unit next door saw him, an Iraqi alone and unescorted, on the base. He went up to McLovin and asked who the hell he was.

McLovin replied, “Who am I? I’M THE GRAND SHEIK OF POUNDING VAG!”

Update: Both Gomez and McLovin were able to immigrate to the United States before ISIS destroyed Sinjar and both have become U.S. citizens.

For fans of the New York Times bestsellers “The Last Punisher” and “Lone Survivor,” a heart-pounding military memoir from a former Army Ranger sniper and Special Operations weapon sergeant-turned-journalist about the incredible highs and devastating lows of his career.